“You’re a girl”, “five – good” – as an evaluation phrase depreciate the personality and achievements of the child. Teacher Dima Zitser about the usual parental words that are fraught with danger.
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“I’m proud of you”
You understand that, as said Boris Borisovich Grebenshchikov, “there is no sorrow, no evil, no pride, no resentment”. Pride is an irrational feeling, it ain’t leading us anywhere. I am proud that I – Russian, the Jew, woman, man. The examples are pretty simple, but very frequent. And ideally demonstrate a pride in its purest form. What am I proud that I am a man? Or that I was born in one country or another?
An example of how I exist not in itself, but is associated with some factors, most often external. We have a very strong reference to their own ego. Pride and ego is inseparable things. That is connected with work, with the talents which I use to develop it self. But if I say I am proud that I am – uncle or aunt, I’m not talking about the self and about the Givens.
Quite another matter can occur if we say: “My femininity is manifested in concrete things”, “My Russian identity is manifested in the fact that in each case I have a quote of Alexander, I’m working on it, I realize what a complex and interesting Russian character.” Then I come in.
When we speak about children, we have a huge, almost inescapable temptation to be proud of the same. Pride certain sensations in the body. Somewhere in me there is this buzz. Like any living creature, I want to repeat that I am pleased. How can I achieve that? In a primitive way: “You are all Uzbeks, and I – Russian!”, “You are all women-fools, I’m the man.”
Or “you all Have children as children, and I have a hockey player”. At this point I hockey player to be able to your coordinate system, your fantasy, to feel this good inside of me happened. For the emergence of feelings that are not related to my work, I have to organize the situation out. And in this sense is almost the same: be proud of a son-a hockey player or your Georgian, Hebrew or Russian origin. It’s not my job, it’s not up to me. I say to the child: “Be in this rush inside of me there”. A very strange coordinate system.
A person in addition to pride, there is satisfaction. When Pushkin exclaims: “Ah Yes Sasha, Ah Yes son of a bitch!”, I think it’s not pride. He did something that wasn’t supposed to. Often at this point we are not proud of, and stunned with happiness. It’s a very different feeling. Why do we rejoice when a loved one has some kind of crazy achievement, which is important for him? Because it’s part of me, part of my life.
But to be proud of, in the sense of “Push a little more, and I’m proud” – the danger here is to fall into the trap of a very, very large. Because the other side is “You make me so upset!”.
Two sides of the same coin. It teaches us to live in order to mother or proud, or not upset.
“I’m so proud of you” for a child, of course, sweetie, as any praise, on a psychological and chemical level. It immediately solidifies. And this feeling I want to repeat. Especially up to seven years, in that time, when mom and dad are very very important. When it’s so important to my mother’s encouragement, the smile that I physically feel OK.
Let us return to the example of a hockey player. So, the man plays hockey. During the last match of the one day in their city, are touring the Japanese theatre. He has the opportunity to play a match or go on a brilliant performance which only today and here, and in General interest of his life. To go to the theater cool. But my mom will not be proud of.
But in fact, if we turn to the language of the proud, proud is huge: to understand my feelings, my interest! It’s so cool that I can put something for this interest to go. Not for him hitting me, not the strip notice, and to the theatre. But mom would be proud! Mom was waiting for, was waiting for her Sasha/Bob/Pete/Dima finally flash! Aunt Rose called from the next city to see. And instead of pride there is a shame. The trap, of course, more complex than “well done” or “You idiot.” “I approve,” that’s what it is from the point of view of the message.
Far be it from me to say, “it is Impossible to say.” All the words in the Russian language is beautiful. It is important that the child understand what you mean. Tell us what does “I’m proud of you”. As your chest fills with warmth as you want to smile like you want to hug him because he’s so cool.
When we talk in short sentences, we are talking about the signal system. “I got five.” – “Well done!” All we want to quickly end the conversation and back to Facebook or cutlets. Human feedback suggests a more complex dive. “You’re good” is the simple assessment, the easiest kaplancik.
We in the school teachers talked a lot about that video, signal praise – exactly the same as saying, “You idiot!”, just running in different directions. Is the depreciation. The inclusion of minimum reflection, a very simple way.
We all do not because we are bad. We cut away the corners, any shape tend to make more simple.
In family life, for example, made a face, and she realized that she not behave like that. And so, it is necessary to talk, to think about what you want to say. Maybe it’s your personal “bug”. At this point begins the reflection. And instead of the seconds I spend ten minutes. I strive to simplify: “I said, and the child did so.” “Read the poem, walking will not go.” Great! The simplest system, and it’s really from time to time will read you this poem, because you want to walk. Is that bad? Yeah, it’s bad. But in order that we have discovered that it is more harm than benefit, we at least need to doubt.
We should not be afraid to talk. We used to talk, used to exist within a signal coordinate system: right now I’m happy, now I am unhappy, I do like the strugatskys, a paroxysm of pleasure. I looked at your diary: “five, five, Five, great, all done, go play with peers, dad looks KVN”. And this happens not because we are bad, but because we are accustomed to. This coordinate system is dictated from anywhere: from TV, radio, billboards.
Of course, children feel when we tell them this, just to get rid. But they with such speed learning! How many times to repeat “well done”, the child said to himself: “So I’m wrong. Mom’s can do no wrong”.
It is the same eternal example with food: when I get up from the table and leave, and mother says, “I Have to eat”. The first time I know I wasn’t hungry, but my mom also says so. Life is more complicated than I thought! The second time, third, fourth, fifth, I make a clear conclusion: “I Have to eat”. We are all very talented. In this sense, recall Zhvanetsky: “took my place, he spoke”. The child is in an understandable coordinate system, signal.
This is not feedback, feedback that phrase is irrelevant. Mom asks, “How was school?” At some point, even sworn losers will not be afraid of this question: your mother has nothing in mind, just need to say “OK” and continue the conversation will follow. We’re talking about the bad mom now? No, we’re talking about a very good mother, which is this signaling system.
“Where to send the child?”
By first education I’m a philologist, accordingly it seems to me that words are very important. In particular, verbs. Miraculously everything begins to change, if we change the form of the verb. Try to say: “what school he will go,” honestly, at this point change the contents. Instead of the object appears to the subject. “I send him to camp.” Well, far Luggage I have somewhere to send. Or “what camp is he going?”.
It requires even less reflection. Moreover, this can be done consciously. You can read this text, parastatals, and then say, “I’ll try”. In a conversation with a friend instead of “I sent him in a circle” to say “He went in a circle”.
This will change the conversation. Very cool that all this objectivity is not from some uneducated, wild parents, it is happening at all. This is about me too, I wheel indefinitely.
In that moment, when you change the verb, there is a choice. Why? It’s the same notorious parental responsibility, about which no one can explain. To whom is the responsibility? What kind of responsibility?
If I choose his school, so I must be a poor mother or father, very badly, want to be in school all was well. Another thing, if he chooses a school, and I’m on his side.
I’m his assistant, I know something that he doesn’t know how to, can tell him that, to support and give strength. He chooses, I go to this school.
And then there is the strange story: it is possible to talk with people, to doubt, to show him this and that, here he did not notice, and then I noticed, he showed me. Happiness. Otherwise, we again cut the corners, making the track more smooth and clear. But in the corners the most interesting and happening. That is the communication, actually.
“You’re a girl”
I do not understand why we must speak at the level of the genitals. We are at this point not talking about personality, really, but about primary sex characteristics. This is very strange and leads to the wild limit. Tells the story about his own daughter. It was in high school, is the birthday of some kid. Came his grandparents. Grandfather – a former military man and grandmother, the wife of the Colonel, all as expected. Emma, my six or seven years. Emma’s hair is always a complicated story, then she combed, she had the idea that they have to grow. And here nerazdelennaya Emma misses her grandmother, who swallowed the rod. And we are seeing it from the other side of the corridor.
– Girl, why don’t you brushed?
Emma is the question “Why?” his face contorts. Grandma continues:
– Every girl needs to be combed!
But it to you any doctor will tell!
Emma, already leaving over the shoulder looks at her with such pity says:
– Well, doctor-what?
That’s all. At this point, the grandmother pushed all the buttons, and they turned out to be invalid. Sure that’s the best grandma in the world. What she wanted to do? She wanted to include those signals which have to be formed in her imagination, a person female in six years.
Parent at this point, of course, creates a huge complex in the future. Deprives a person of the right to self-manifestation at all. Because it is very fast, I learn it instantly: “And now I’m acting like a girl? Maybe he didn’t.” And “not like a girl” is automatically bad.
With the boys the same story. Why is there rudeness and aggression? Because we “should.” To bear the proud title of man. Not crying is not so bad. Do I have to be cynical and rude. I can’t afford soft. And at some point I realize that the only way you can live. I have to, because this is a required set. It is fixed very quickly, in two or three times. Because, unfortunately, we say while they are very young, when every word is the word of the gods from mount Olympus or mount Zion and the course is superimposed on everything else.
On its own remember this: you, cry, and adults, wanting to support you, say: “You’re a man, don’t cry.” And you four years. And you even more bitter.
What else? Adults who say this sentence, themselves believe in it, poor devils. And here is the story of the imitation: “I Want to be like mom, I want to be like daddy” and get “Not a woman’s business, not man’s this business.” This phrase is worse than anything about what we talked until now.
Any gender pieces, which form complexes and belittle the other gender, dangerous. “What are you doing, Baba?” the Pope says to the boy. At this moment the child is laid wild model: I have no right to feelings, I don’t have to be like them. Moreover, among men there is an even more sophisticated sense in our present society: “I am in charge here!”
When we say, “You’re a girl” that we mean? “You should look like to please!” And what else is a girl comb her hair?!
So we lay the girls attitude to itself as to an object. And boys the same. He must be a man and not entitled to their own feelings. And she, too, must always be absolutely certain. Painted, all the “possible” and “impossible” are already known. We deprive them of the right to itself, to turn a corner, to think, to pause, to wonder what they are.
Throughout what we talk today, there is one and the same story: you’re unimportant. Peter is important, or what the Pope or the parent “I’m proud of you”, anything else, except yourself.
In the situation with Peter is a little bit different model: I’m starting to live for Peter in this moment. Peter got five and I got three. Great. Ceases in this moment to wonder, in fact, the contents, I just have to outrun Pete. “May his hand break? It was a very useful idea. And I for a month, until the hand will heal, make it to Petino.”
There is another devaluation in my own eyes. The understanding that I for mom and dad is important, but only if I exist in the coordinate system of fives, fours and garbage disposal. I myself can play any game. Person has the right to anything if it does not harm other people. There is only the issue of minimum reflection, I insist on it.
Men will be clear example, if they will read it. We’re going, say, on the highway, why we really want to overtake a car on the right! He cut us off, and we’ll catch up and pruning in response. It is not excitement, it’s just a basic, animal instinct first come to the watering hole. And nothing more there. Does this mean that these feelings should we have to endure? Not at all. Only let’s give these half-second for reflection: why I want to do this?
One boy wrote in the book once: “I love to run through tall grass and yell”. Great! Now go and run and let it pleases you 100 percent. But if I run to Pete to overtake, this herb will take a lot less fun. And if I about this Pete and even repeat all the time that I NEED it to overtake me completely deprive yourself of pleasure to play.
I think a potentially “dangerous” phrases a lot, but in fact I think it is important is quite another.
You can say anything. Almost. But we must understand what we mean.
But in order to understand this, you need to focus on those half a minute and think, to give yourself time for minimum reflection. Just test yourself, think again what we want.