“Psychoanalyst Dinora pines wrote that pregnancy for women is a point of no return, whatever it is ended. And I very clearly felt. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and that will not change. I remember walking down the hospital corridor and felt that everything has changed for me” – psychologist Vera Yakupova about his loss and about how to support grief.
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Vera Yakupova
A few years ago I lost the baby early on. It was my first pregnancy. Theoretically, I know what happens, but like all the thought that somewhere and with someone, but certainly not with me. So cherish me, the so desired dream of motherhood crumbled.
I was coming off losses long enough, and during this time realized that to grieve as if nowhere. As if there is no psychological space to accommodate their pain. Many people do not know what pregnancy was. And who knows, frequently does not consider it a loss – time period small, then it is something like a phantom, or was, or was not.
Later I began to work with mothers, with women who face reproductive difficulties. And I heard that my experience is not unique. Pregnancy loss surrounding and even relatives are considered “unreal.” This experience gives rise to many conflicting feelings. To share their experiences is difficult, because the words of support hurt.
I want to write about common phrases that do not reduce, and increases the pain.
“You still need birth”
What is meant by saying, “I’m sure everything will be fine and you’ll be a mom in the future”
What I hear: “I don’t want to hear about your experiences, it’s time to move on”
Why do people say that? One of the common ways of support in our culture – trying to configure on the optimistic. There is the idea that discussing bad feelings, we make the person worse. Therefore, negative feelings should be ignored and to be positive.
I thought with pregnancy all just wanted and birth. You meet a loved one, some time you live together, then they start to think about the child. Finally, the decision is made, there comes a happy pregnancy, and then motherhood. First or had the first child, grew up, and is already growing desire to have a second.
But it turned out that it happens in different ways. My body suddenly failed me. And just after the loss I had doubts – and whether I would be able to give birth? These thoughts cut the ground from under his feet and forced to reconsider your life plan. I felt confusion and fear.
My clients that experience a loss, often talking about him as the point of crisis. It turned out that life gives no guarantees.
How can you maintain: “I’m so sorry. It is important to know that you can become a parent when you want. Seriously, when you have doubt in this. I wish you to succeed”.
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“So the body itself gets rid of “nepoluchitsya” embryos”
What is meant by saying, “you’re right, you have no problems with health as nature intended”
What I hear: “do Not grieve”
Why do people say that? Trying to explain all natural processes, is the desire to ease the pain. It is based on the idea that it becomes easier by belittling the scale of the problem.
It turns out miscarriage is a natural process. Like about to cry. But it was my baby that I was expecting and wanted. I started to feel guilty so long survive, and it seems more like someone to discuss it.
Psychologists working with loss, on the contrary, it is recommended to give the child the status of a subject, sometimes even give a name. To recognize the existence of the child and to take his loss is an important therapeutic step, which eases the pain.
How you can support: “How do you feel? I know you really wanted this child.”
“You need to drink folic acid/ tested for compatibility with the husband” , etc.
What the speaker means: “I know a way to prevent the loss”
What I hear: “You are wrong to act, so it happened”
Why do people say that? Often for a man to maintain is equal to give good advice. In a situation of powerlessness, want to find support in the form of specific actions, in order not to feel anxiety and helplessness.
Prenatal loss, like any other – an experience of powerlessness. I did everything right – ate well, avoided stress, not worried for nothing. But it didn’t help. I wanted to keep the pregnancy, but nothing could not and did not have time to do. I do not understand why it happened, and the doctors I was not given the answer to this question. How to make more using this is not the place – is also unknown. Thoughts again and again in a circle back to what I did wrong.
Studies show that the experience of powerlessness is one of the hardest for any person. Women who have experienced reproductive loss, often experience intense anxiety during subsequent pregnancies, even if the objective medical reason for her not.
How you can support: “it’s Hard when that happens unexpectedly and there is nothing you can do”
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“To lose the unborn child harder.”
What is meant by saying, “You’ll be fine, soon your pain will subside”
What I hear: “Your loss is negligible, not worth to worry about it”
Why do people say that? Based on this phrase is an absurd idea that grief somehow facilitates our own experiences. There is in this phrase, traces of the past – when talking about their feelings was not accepted, for it was shame. Nothing to complain – all of us. Sometimes these words can stand their own not heard and experienced the pain of the speaker.
Yes, losing an entire family in a car crash even worse. In response, I felt guilty for my “small” experience, at the same time, the loss still hurt. And grief did not go away after the measurements and comparisons with other cases on the pain scale.
How can you maintain: “to Lose a child at any time hard. I’m sorry you had to deal with.”
What is common among all offensive phrases? Depreciation losses, ignoring the feelings of a woman who faced her. Healing and support is always the recognition of the reality and feelings that it causes. It is important to give space to different emotions and just be there, without depreciation, without undue optimism. You can ask about that, feels close to people and to Express readiness to hear it. A sincere interest in what is happening with the other supports better than standard phrases.