In publishing house “Eksmo” issued a book by psychologist Anna Bykova “Students “lazy mom”: how to survive my school years without the nerves and Valerian”. “Pravmir” publishes an excerpt from the book – about how parents can help the child to resolve conflict in school.
Frame from the film “School of survival”
- My child is being bullied at school. What to do?
- It’s not about how to teach children to be nice to each other
- Lyudmila Petranovskaya: Let the teachers believe that they are poison to the team
- The parents of the pranksters shouted: “You will prove nothing”
- Reminder for parents: How to stop bullying of the child
I don’t know when or who invented it, but this belief is firmly stuck in the children’s subculture, and preschool and school. Variations of beliefs: “ugly Snitch” “Snitch,” “tattle-turtle”. Moreover, broadcast this idea not only each other, but also some parents: “I do Not need to complain! Learn to solve your own problems!”
How much psychological trauma is because of this “it is not good to complain.” The child being bullied. He can’t defend himself. And complain can’t because there is a ban on the complaint.
Some children suffer bullying of classmates, but not complaining. Please allow the children to complain!
Since I am the owner of a small dog Chihuahua, I have the opportunity to observe different ways of interacting with the world while walking. She’s barking, chasing the pigeons, rejoicing that at least someone is afraid of her. She curiously sniffs York, then wags his tail and jumps, inviting him to play. The guards and freezes, when approaching the child, because they do not understand what to expect from him: he just pass by or climb to iron? Brings me his head as if questioning look: “You’ll protect me?” But if my Chihuahua sees a large dog rapidly running away from her and sought protection in my arms. That is, it shows different patterns of response: to attack, to freeze, to flee, to seek protection – all about “protect yourself”.
Run and hide – this is not to give in insult. I would never think to teach tiny Chihuahua to attack a large dog. It seems obvious. But why, then, when parenting, we so often ignore the fact that children are different, including on growth, and strength, and teach them a universal model of behavior: “don’t complain. Learn to stand up for themselves. Give back.”
You saw the looks the boy (the offender), who do you suggest to change? Instinct tells the child not to fight back. At the level of instincts he has also incorporated different models of response. To follow the instinct or listen to their parents? More time to approach parents with your problem? But again he hears: “I already told you, give it up and no more complaining.”
The child stops complaining. The parent is convinced that the problem is solved. But the baby just stopped complaining. Although still can not fight back. Suffers. And it so happens that this idea – can’t complain – the child learns not from parents. He hears it from his peers or other adults. With that in mind, tell your child that you can always complain. This does not mean that the child will grow up weak-willed and not able to fend for themselves. This means that you will maintain contact with the child, will be aware of what is happening in his life, will be able to help, if not business, advice. Just need to help so that your help is dished out for the child even more trouble.
Girl first-grader. Classmate of her hurt. Then kicked, hair pulled, the portfolio in the mud throw. A teacher once said that I can’t complain. The girl half a year suffered, then broke down and complained to my parents. Dad was furious that her daughter was silent for so long. The next day was parent-teacher meeting. Dad, along with her daughter came to the parent meeting, yelled at the teacher for all parents, forced daughter in front of the class to confirm that she was abused for so long, because the teacher said, “can’t Complain.” The teacher in tears, “As you can! Why are you treating me like this?” Offended by other parents because of it no one stood up, no one made comments aggressive parent. The girl cried at home: “I am not going, I am ashamed, I am afraid that teacher will now be mad at me”. Mom in a panic asks for advice: “Do now we have to go to another school?!”
It was especially important to find out from the child the details. Without emotion. Strong emotions parents can frighten the child, and it closes. Show empathy, Express to the child your sympathy, but do not show their emotions. Then, just as quietly, without witnesses, find out the details from a teacher. If the Pope, instead of making a scene at a PTA meeting, found out the details, he would have learned that the teacher said “complaining is not good,” another boy who got her tattling “And he is my Desk moving. He and my gum was taken” – implying that the guys are quite able to understand. She never thought that her words happened to hear, so literally perceive another child and won’t have to complain at all to anyone. In the case of a girl she didn’t know what was going on, since all the scoring was out of school, and the girl her and parents didn’t say anything. That is, the teacher really could not understand why dad has such an aggressive response.
Dad certainly shouldn’t have started the conversation with the teacher to ascertain all the details. And especially not worth it to pull out details of the child (the next day) with the teacher and Director. This is an additional stress for the child. Especially with no sophisticated install “to complain is not good”.
So, in such a situation, parents need:
1. Endorse the child for what he told about the incident. Reinforce the new belief that “Parents can always tell and even more to complain about. This is normal. Adults also seek help if you can’t handle yourself.”
2. To teach a child how to act in such situations. To give a speech algorithm that talking to the offender. For example, to warn him what the consequences will be inevitable: “once again, and I’ll tell your mom! She’ll call you.” (The abuser because he was convinced that he would not complain, and then no punishment will follow.)
3. Inform the teacher of the factof which you become aware. We can say about his feelings towards the situation (the situation, not the teacher!) Without making accusations. Ask them to bring the situation under control. The General message is: “I want us to be allies in addressing this issue” to Ask: “How can we prevent such incidents?” Do not dictate to the teacher what she should do, but it is important to listen to her. Most likely, the teacher herself say, “I’ll talk to the boy. I’ll talk to the whole class. I’ll talk to the parents of this boy.”
4. Next you need to keep your finger on the pulse. The situation must change. If the situation does not change, then the next step is a conversation with the administration. But again, the constructive, without shouting. Report the facts, without emotional coloring: “We have made it and here it is. Unfortunately, the situation has not changed. What can you advise from height of your experience? What should we do?”
To give vent to emotions and to go into open conflict is possible, if you decided to take the child out of this school.
Even if you are unhappy with the work of the teacher, even if you believe that it permits an explicit pedagogical errors, it is better to avoid direct indication that, in your opinion, should or should not do teacher. It is perceived as an attack. (Of course, if your goal is not to fight, and the satisfaction of needs.)
Dialogue is possible on this algorithm:
1. Assess the situation from a neutral position. Dry, without emotion describe the problem as you see it. Let us know what your hypothesis about the possible cause of the problem.
2. Tell us about your needs. Offer options meet needs. Ask what the teacher has to offer.
3. Next, go to the contract. Say, what do you do, parents and the teacher.
Compare two strategies of communication:
1. Charges and information: “all but two people in the class deuce for a test! Yes, you, it turns out, children do not learn anything! Ruined class! To you such a strong class came from elementary school! Explain the material better!”
2. The reasons for the search and collaboration: “don’t You think it strange such a sharp drop in performance? Do you think what is the reason? They didn’t so to bad for one quarter. Maybe you we can suggest something? Can we do something to help from your side? Really want to succeed in school at the same level”.
1. “The previous teacher always wrote the homework in the e-zine! Now, every time I go, no job! It is your responsibility to fill the magazine!”
2. “You know, we have become accustomed, and children got used to that job you can always look in the electronic journal. Currently lacks such capabilities. Something you can do to assignment there appeared regularly?”
If you noticed, in the second embodiment are the issues. Questions create a space for dialogue. We communicate, we cooperate, we clarify the situation, we work together to find a solution. Of course, not all issues have the same effect. There are issues that exacerbate conflict, lead to a dead end. Feel the difference.
Questions that lead to solution:
- “I wonder why suddenly so many pairs for this test?”
- “How can we fix it?”
- “Maybe there are some exercise to practice this skill?”
- “Could I ask a couple of examples to clarify?”
- “What textbook would you recommend?”
Issues that lead to impotence:
- “And you don’t think it’s your fault?”
- “And you think you know how to work with children?”
Questions that lead to a dead end, do not imply the search for a solution. They imply blame. Guilty trying to defend themselves (survival instinct), and at this moment about the other person and his needs he can not think. From guilty usually of little use.