And dad and mom: why single fathers don’t consider themselves heroes

Three stories of men who alone raise children they try to do everything and “be a mom”, but do not consider themselves heroes, and every father is convinced that ideally a child needs a family, where there are two parents.

Photo: Unsplash

  • Fathers and children… without a wife and mother
  • When I become a father, will never abandon their children
  • Adoptive father: Cool is not a good orphanage, and when it is not there
  • Came. Saw. Adopted
  • Why steamer single father and how there are drugs for his son

The son defended a girl from a bully, and I blossomed like a Tulip

The first story: Vladimir and Egor

In my story there is nothing outstanding, and do not treat me as some kind of hero. Just people think that this is possible only in the movies, but it turns out that in life, too.

In the divorce question, “who will remain a child” especially was not, and I think Egor’s mother also acted in the interests of the son. At that time I had an apartment, car, high-paying job. And she knew that me son will be like a stone wall. And though at first our relationship was difficult, as I felt hard to look at her, I never let her meet the child she’s a mother, and my problems are nothing to do with it. Two days he lived with her for three days – me, my work schedule was rebuilt to fit your needs.

We were interrupted by six months, and then my son turned a year and a half and I enrolled him in a private kindergarten near my work. Life has become organized.

And I then thought: Egor, if you’re so lucky you don’t have a full family, then I’ll do all the ladies.

Of course, the first time the child did not fit in my head why someone’s parents live together, and he doesn’t. You talk, smile at each other. When Egor’s mother comes to visit, I try something delicious to cook, sit around a table and talk, then we go together to walk. But then slowly he realized, apparently, and I tried to explain. Although, of course, when parting with my mother was crying, especially when I was little. He is now almost seven years.

I think a child need to be Frank, as an adult, and you don’t lie, just try to avoid sharp corners. And I don’t make up stories, and told as it is.

Explained to him: “Yegor, look out the window, there is life, and people want more. But it so happens that their desires are not feasible. I want that on our 17-storey building had a helipad and I would fly to work by helicopter. But this is not possible”.

Educate yourself constantly

And some everyday problems we did not even have. When one loves, there is no difficulty. And I’m an independent man. My father died when I was 13 years old, my mother was seriously ill, came to us with Egor once a week the pot of soup, he died when I was 25.

Than we with Egor doing? Keep left on the nature, fishing. Was little – it was interesting to draw, became older books to read. Now we have another lesson – Egor climbs on my big bed wearing gloves and a little about me “taps”, and I answer him gently. Then take the scooter and go for a walk. Some simple things. And I am always learning – somewhere to restrain himself, to explain, educate myself constantly.

I always really like to see the food was beautifully decorated. Our kitchen is a small restaurant. Not simply impose a side dish with a cutlet and cover with sauce, and be sure to aesthetic form, different each time. I try to cook some interesting sauces recipes from YouTube and all to feed Egorka very correct. Sausage in the house it never happens. Buy meat over beef, make patties. But the point to feed a growing boy sausage in which no nutrients?

Egor acted like a real man

Of course, I’m an adult and understand that little ones need affection, tactile sensation, it is important to understand that very, very much. And I need to be and dad and mom at the same time: to teach, to instruct, to explain, and to give warmth and affection. And I think that looks pretty good, can child to kiss, to play, to pamper. It has now become easier, the guy is big, like, understand the difference between the sexes, and now it is an interesting male activities. But I’m glad Egor meets and talks with my mother.

I’ve always been to all activities in kindergarten. Every New year I, or Gray Wolf, or Koschei the deathless. Men usually hesitate to participate in such Affairs, and I am free from constraint and can easily fool around.

Recently, kindergarten was the prom, and before the first class Yegor went with my sister in Nizhny Novgorod oblast, to the village where we spent childhood. Breathe fresh air, drink cow’s milk.

First and foremost I want Egor to become a good person, responsible and serious to his words never disperse from business. So before to say something, he should have thought, if I said something definitely did.

He grew up to a man. And I explained to him that girls should not be hurt.

There was a case when I blossomed like a Tulip on the pavement. Pick up one son from the kindergarten to the locker room runs into the girl and in colors tells the father, Yegor protected her from the local bully, did not give offense. Asks: “Daddy, is it true that Yegor acted like a real man?” And he said, “Yes.” And here I sit, waiting for Yegor, and I felt Lily begin to bloom. When we walked home, said, “Son, I’m just proud of you, I’m in seventh heaven when you hear this!”

You know, actually with a guy a thousand times easier. But if I was a girl, everything is exactly the end of my life only love, love of life, in General. I have the already uneasy with women, it turns out – heart is busy, already there love lives, let it be some other plan, but I believe that it is a higher love to the child. As to the angel. The children all absolutely pure. The kind of love I really appreciate and can’t build with the girls in a serious relationship.

Women pull three children, and a man with a child why something is called a star

And the reaction concerning my status is always the same – shock. After my divorce in 99% of cases the child remains with the mother. Don’t know on what it depends – from matriarchal orientation of our age or the quality of men that responsibility can’t take. I also asked: how so? how are you doing? Yes, usually can handle it.

The tragedy in this situation there is. If a single father raising a child, he knows everything about myself and about the business deals. But to brag of this status single father, no one wants. And honestly to tell you, I don’t know what all this about, some self-praise I do not need.

Women pull on two-three children, wahiwa on two or three jobs, with lower wages than men, and no one calls them heroes, because this is normal: when there is a divorce, the man has gone to seek out new life, and the woman left with the child.

And sometimes a woman just realizes that the man she can’t leave. And the man with the child why something is called a star.

If men on more responsibility taken, it would be fine, because father’s education is also good. Of course, it is better if the child has both parents. But all our life consists of the fact that not everything works out the way we want.

Support other fathers manly

I have several years I moderated a group of single fathers in “Vkontakte”. I was once looking for there support and I one person wrote a very cultural, but firmly, that you a child is waiting, go to him, maybe he’s hungry, and you’re sappy, and it made sober more than anything.

The group is often written by those who have just been in the same situation, asking some advices and someone comes just to cry, but it is also necessary, and try to support him in this difficult period, but also manly.

Not often, but sometimes a spouse dies, and sometimes members of the group directly hold that person, asking how things are, how a good day today. And he says something. First hard and then slowly begins to get out of this state. But, sadly, a normal single dad who’s kids live in, the reason for this, as a rule, banal and ugly – divorce.

What I would like to say the men caught in this situation? Yes, grief, but in life happens differently, and we need to continue to live.

You’re the father, she is a mom. Turned out so well, and now it’s just important to be people on both sides, to start to properly build other relationships. What is between you, any conflicts, the child should not touch, on them it is painful to respond, and it makes no difference who of you is right. And if someone has the desire to pull the blanket to their side, it will affect the baby.

Everything should remain as before, it just happened that at the moment parents do not live together, but they keep in touch, do not put a spoke in the wheel in contact with the child. Listen Noize MC “Curses from behind the wall” and understand the meaning of my words.

In one orphanage I saw his Vanya
The second story: Yuri and Vanya

A few years ago, I, as the Director worked on the project did videopasporta orphans and has travelled almost all orphanages and shelters in Sverdlovsk region. For three months we removed a half thousand videoanket, one and a half thousand children’s eyes… very Few people have that kind of experience.

And in one orphanage saw their van. The boy told a poem about a family on camera – he somewhere found it online and learned. And told me so… bad (smiles), I was very nervous, staring at the floor, never able to communicate with adults. We didn’t even know how to use this notation in the questionnaire.

And that some things unexplained… I invited him to visit. Say: “Will You Go? I will go with you to the Park?” Says “Go!” And the orphanage was situated in 60 km from Yekaterinburg. First up was guest mode, then I took patronage, Ivan was transferred to another shelter in the city.

The father appeared at the age of 13 – too bad

Once Ivan fell ill with pneumonia: children jump from the roof into a snowdrift, no one is looking. Took it on a weekend and the temperature has risen to 42. While waiting for an ambulance, apply ice – try to stop severe bleeding from the nose. Then with him went to the hospital. Remember van set shots, he cried and said: “I just stabbed, my butt hurts, get me out of here”.

Two weeks to the van from the orphanage did not come one. And then I decided: it is necessary to urgently draw up the custody papers.

The van was 13 years old.

The first time Ivan walked with me hand like a 5 year old child. A friend once asked: “what is he holding up? Because great already!” And I say in response: “For you, and the child has not lived the period, when by the hand to walk.” Or gripping the hand and goes, does not close his mouth – then he asks about something, in word play, and then angina.

Vanya was a mother, but she died – was seriously beaten by her roommate. And my father was never, in the birth certificate was blank. But, at the age of 13 – too bad.

By that time I already had a huge experience with children, teachers of children’s homes, foster parents, and I knew that the first year is the hardest. One day the van just ran away to his town to see grandma, and the phone was out of reach. Honestly, I don’t understand how it is possible to live with the relatives the child was left in the orphanage…

Son say: “Wife is not a servant in the house”

I am often asked how I managed to combine work and care about his son. Similarly, as mothers combine. Often took Vanya with me to the Studio: he did homework and read while I was in the installation. The first time we went to the pool, on skis, took him to the theatre and on football, we christened the van. Now, of course, authority for it had already become friends, company.

As for life… I Have somewhere a diploma chef can prepare anything. And now van is studying at the culinary College of the technologist of public catering. Always told him that the rooms must be cleaned. One day came the technician from custody with the words: “Oh, how you clean! And that’s without the women!” And I said, “That was neat, not necessary to the woman as a maid was involved in this.” And van also instilled the idea that “a wife is not a servant in the house, it’s your favorite person and you need to do everything together”.

On holiday in Turkey with my sister Yuri

Of course, he not once asked where my mother was. Well, no. We divorced. But I try to Vanya saw other examples: talk to different families, come my friends with their wives and also bring their influence, Ivan spends the night with his friends. There was a case when Ivan refused to do the cleaning, and I told him that Light’s aunt, aunt Lena will come. The son immediately brought a kind of purity that never was.

And I think it is important for children to see the example to understand that nothing is free that there is work that people come for help.

I’m still head of the public organization “Union of adoptive parents”.

After the project, it became clear that problems in this area a lot and we need to help families who are in an unequal battle with government agencies. And our initiative group chose me: I just have one adopted child, and someone five of them (smiles). I even wanted to take another, but still the load is large. The most important thing that these families feel that they are not alone.

On the historical film. Vanya as a Yuri – office worker. In the role of a maid, a family friend and mother of five adopted children Elena

Why would a man child

It so happened that I became a foster father alone. And probably the only one in the region. I was lucky in that head of care in my area is male, many of the things he did. And, of course, were talking behind my back: “Man… why would he want a baby?” But I believe that these words – from the corruption of society. Had teeth to clamp, turn a deaf ear and do all the paperwork on.

There is a phrase “Go and do what you must.” And I had some understanding of what you have. Where did it come from – we, apparently, know. And I’m not looking for some rational reason.

But you are still a student, I remember, said that he would take the orphan.

I spent my childhood in Kazakhstan, and my best friend then was from a disadvantaged large family mother was one, and the family lived in barrack conditions, and then the children were transferred to a boarding school. Then I helped him with the documents for admission to the College. But after many years, when we talked, I learned that he died – collapsed wall of the house…

Now my best friend is also the orphanage. Our organization recently received a grant, we will make cartoons on the theme of social orphanhood. Five years ago our database of children without parents was 4.5 thousand people, and now – 2 thousand. And I hope that I, too, in this hand, but the work is still there – it is necessary that two thousand orphans were not. It’s shameful phenomenon. And society, each member should be ashamed across the street is an orphanage.

The son’s disease can not be cured, but we believe in the remission
The third story: Andrew and Volodya

It so happened that the children in our family has always been in me – and in kindergartens were arranged, and in school. And Volodya is quite heavy and complex story of the return to me after the divorce. When I came to school, he just rushed at me, and all the teachers were crying and me too.

Vladimir with dad

But for me, single fathers is not surprising. I know a lot of men who are raising children alone. Former Afghan, whose wife died early, raised a daughter and a son. Appear in the class studied the boy a “nerd”, too, grew up with my dad. Of course, you should be able to fill a woman’s warmth – somewhere to hug, kiss and talk.

But I don’t classify so: women bring good and men are bad. Still different, and most importantly – the person must be honest and understand the responsibility for the child.

Child in any case need an example for life, children copy parents on a subconscious level. And the boy necessarily need a male role model. And I’m glad now Volodya’s full family, me and my second wife.

Took his son in his arms, went to the hospital

But, apparently, all the turmoil and unrest have not gone for him just because he’s sick. The first wife said that Volodya low hemoglobin. When he came to live with me – still not recovered, was very thin, with food in the family is always good.

Last year, after the autumn holidays son a couple of days like in school, and on Sunday at 12 noon was still asleep. I went to his room to Wake up, but it is all hot, the temperature of 39.6, and then started vomiting and diarrhea. Took his son in his arms, went to the hospital, not to wait for the ambulance. Three weeks we were running around different doctors trying to diagnose.

Soon learned – Crohn’s disease, a chronic inflammatory disease affecting the gastrointestinal tract.

At first I was in shock, found a good gastroenterologist in the Russian children’s clinical hospital.

Believe in remission

To the son’s illness, we often grilled kebabs, loved meat, and now, as Volodya strict diet, all cook for a couple immediately bought the steamer. Almost all winter Volodya was in the hospital, where he was given injections needed an expensive drug, which costs about 40 thousand rubles for one shot.

At the end of the school year Volodya was able to return to school. My wife and I work in shifts, three days a weekend, and I work with them – do their homework, go to the stadium. In the 90s I worked as a physical education teacher, so I know how and what you need. Once I had an incurable disease – asthma, but I ran like everything, I guess, I really wanted to be healthy. The disease went into remission.


And now I try to ignore the sad thoughts that the disease is not treated Volodya, and believe that the son with the drugs that we try to also be able to achieve that remission.

Charity Fund “Orthodoxy and the world” launched a special program to help people with Crohn’s disease. Our Foundation helps the RCCH to buy the missing drugs to the patients of this severe disease could receive life-saving treatment. Without treatment patients suffer terrible pain, and their condition deteriorates.

History has recorded Nadezhda Prokhorova

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