As a quiet child turns into a killer classmates, why adults do not deal with teenagers and who determines the future of our children – says adolescent psychologist Cyril Hlamov.
- When children say, “I Blew up that school!”
- Why are children attacking classmates and how to prevent the tragedy
- The mother of a teenager. “Hit me in the face: “you’ll be waving his hands – you want to”
- Lyudmila Petranovskaya about how to raise (and educate) teenagers
- Why does my child was teased and called names, and now raped
– Louts-foul-mouthed, “hamsters Bulk”, modest girls or ninth-graders with a complete set of attributes of adults and successful women. Some teenagers gather at the entrances of beer, others point to the sweet sixteen in restaurants. Where is the diversity and contrasts?
Cyril Hlamov
There are always those who previously have to become adults. Often teenagers are forced to help parents earn. One, to help the family in a situation of changed income, others to pay for higher education.
In the beginning some teenagers had to replace the parents and to trade day at the market in the evenings to do homework and jealous of classmates that were walking after class. Such a confession of envy, I heard a lot from adults who have Teens and fell in the 90s Than in the more prosperous society one grows up, the longer the juvenile period.
The environment in which our children grow up, has a high social variability. Today the teenager has become difficult to calculate the trajectory, to choose a profession, which after five years will not displace artificial intelligence. It is difficult to calculate, even where the country in which he lives. The principle of “where was born there and handy” no longer works, and the possibilities for change and flexibility is enormous. You can change everything – from the place of residence and work, to education, religion, gender,. To pave the path and understand what you’re going to build, when you begin to build your own life, became incredibly difficult.
There is more and regulations. You can live the one you want – in the family, whether you have children, want to stay childfree; you can live quietly and peacefully, want to attract attention. If in a stable environment the presence of stable identity was the guarantor of peace and competitive advantage, it is now promising advantages are flexibility, pumped skills, communication skills and the ability to quickly switch between roles.
Now nothing can be predicted, once the factors that influence growing up, was endless. But is podrostkovoy – it’s not about physiology?
– At the level of physiology, of course, there is a change in the hormonal system. The major systems of a person developing until 23-25 years old. All this time continue to Mature certain parts of the brain. But hormonal changes throughout our life as the functioning of other body systems.
In 2010 the book was published by Harry Resin “Brain online. People in the Internet age”. The author showed that teenagers today otherwise organized functioning of physiological systems, in other words, the interaction between different parts of the brain.
Children who use the gadgets, revealed higher ability to pereklyuchenii and lower ability to focus and retain attention. It promotes human adaptation in the modern world where you need more flexibility, switching, mobility, and popular in society.
But for a number of areas (science, engineering, Economics, medicine) skills and the ability to concentrate are much more important as a stable identity.
Photo: pixabay
In addition to the physiological changes in adolescence there is a significant leap in social development. Person learns new social skills.
Previously, scientists talked about the formation of identity. Now I prefer to talk about the development of frames, the algorithms and roles that the adolescent develops. Variability and social flexibility are the result of adolescence.
It was a quiet and calm boy, and then got corrupted
One thing is diversity, and quite another when growing up a good and kind boy, and in 15 years became inadequate. Psychologists have an understanding of why this is happening?
– First, it is exceptional and rare cases. Our American and European colleagues associate the cruelty and inadequacy of teenagers with gadgets, but we can talk about changing the culture of aggression.
If the fight between the village men on the street 100 years ago was an ordinary event, no one on it and did not pay attention, now everyone thinks it’s a glaring example of deviant behavior. Requirements to aggression around the world (with varying degrees of rigor) are tightened.
It is believed that the person must be able to regulate their aggression so as not to cause harm to others. Somewhere you can’t hit or push in response to an insult, but somewhere unacceptable even verbal rudeness. Everywhere impose a moratorium on the death penalty, that is, the society and the state restricts the means of violence.
– Is it bad that demands aggressiveness tougher?
Okay. I’m stating a fact that on this background of a difficult teenager becomes less visible in the class group. Previously, the teacher clearly understood that teen violent, troubled, because he attracted attention to himself.
Truly aggressive children slip away from the attention of adults. Become more pronounced depressive reactions.
To recognize the child’s condition increasingly difficult. The impression was a quiet and calm boy, and then got corrupted. Described Kerch arrow, American suicides, attacked classmates. In fact, they long escaped the attention of adults. Their cries for help were unnoticed, unrecognized.
Alas, our system of care for adolescents is not yet configured to identify the problems. I know of several cases where parents asked for help, appealed to the Commission on Affairs of minors and protection of their rights with difficulties in behavior of your troubled teen. As an aid they were awarded a penalty for failure to comply with parental responsibilities.
If our system remains repressive, to deal with problems will not work. Rather, teenagers will learn more quickly to escape, it is better to hide, to actively use darknets. The disaster will be all the more sudden.
– Of course, blame the Internet?
– A greater role played by family relationships, with parents, relationships with peers are tied to the system of education and upbringing at school. The importance of the Internet is secondary.
– And how do you solve problems with difficult teenagers and their “cries for help” in Europe, for example?
– At some time in the southern districts of France, where a critical increase in the number of refugees from North African Arab culture began to emerge in intercultural and ethnic conflicts. The difference in the status of refugees and local residents and lead to clashes. As a solution, the authorities established the system of teenage and youth clubs. Such clubs with your wall structure, most importantly, the people who appeared on every 3-4 blocks. And problems began to be resolved.
For Teens is always important it is the people. By the way, this is another reason why youth participation in political protest movements.
Today’s young people do not understand and it’s not clear how they can achieve success. Well of course, if you are not the owner of an incredibly beautiful voice, then, perhaps, the program “Voice” and help you. The lack of a clear long-term forcing of teenagers to look for a leader. Political scientists and sociologists describe this as a closed social mobility, stratification of society.
Teenagers are always thinking about the future, it is important to them. The difficulty is that no one about this future talk. That’s why young people want to join some bright leader…
Photo: navalny.feldman.photo/events/66
– It really doesn’t have anyone to talk to teenagers?
In 2016, we studied parental provisions for their own future Moscow adolescents of different social strata. We found that most of them (65%) to discuss their problems and future within the family with their mothers. In second place (20%) fathers, and on the third are grandparents (10%), then peers (5%). While educational, the life trajectory for children are determined by parents.
But the discussion of the future always goes through the imperative “must” and “should”. One in five parents say the child is often “necessary”, than ask “what do you want?”. “You have to be a doctor”, “are you good with numbers, must be an economist”…
We conducted our study in different schools – good, medium and low educational ranking of schools of Moscow. An important difference between students from the lowest rating level and the top turned out to be the meaning of the father. The more prosperous a teenager, the more is available to him of the father. For teenagers from schools from the bottom of the rating of the father’s opinion was 4 positions after the views of grandparents and peers. Of course, this is due to social and family situation in the country.
In General, it is important to note that in spite of the Patriarchy the role of women in Russia is very big. Today, women 30+ with their ideas, opinions, ideas about life and about what is good and bad, determine the future of this country. They affect how society is now and how will Russian society fifteen years later.
Today only the lazy did not read adult psychological advice, articles and books of experts. We all know about teenagers, but they still slip, kicking from hand, indulges in all serious…
In my opinion, we have disparate, distrusting, and multilevel society. Yes, the General socio-psychological level of literacy was higher, at least over the last 20 years. They don’t have to explain to your parents what the psychologist why it lead teenager. There is a growing interest in how to be a good parent. But to say that society is enlightened, I would not hurry.
Today’s parents of teenagers often need support and care. Our society datacentric. And as increased demands aggressiveness, so, according to psychologists, in particular Ekaterina Nikolaevna Polivanova, scientific Director of the Centre for contemporary childhood, increased demands on parenting.
Kidding – it’s a trap
– What is the feature of our child-centrism?
– To be a good parent has become more difficult. Thirty years ago, if your child is dressed, shod, fed, even if he’s got a small hole in the tights and the shoes worn is fine, you’re a good parent. Then the children with the key on the neck they themselves went to school, were taken from the kindergarten little brothers and sisters. Even food to warm themselves could. It was considered normal.
Today, parents carry children not only in school but also in College. The level of care is very high. It’s all happening at the expense of adults, who themselves may be in short supply of attention and care. Who cares about these parents who invest themselves in making money, because they felt in the 90s that “only if there is a lot of money, then your child will be happy”?!
It’s often too late find that a lot of money and always absent because of work the parent is not the best option for a growing child. Loud tragedy with drugs, with broken sports car is all about…
Even during the economic crisis in 2008 (brought in 2014), when falling wages and people massively dismissed, the only item of expenditure that has been preserved in the family, was a child. I refer here to the data of the head “EVM” Yevgeny Machnev. People skimp on food, automobiles, entertainment, but not on children. The average check, which was spent on children in stores, only grew. By the way, this is a global trend.
Photo: Simon Remark / flickr
But “kidding” is a trap. This is a story of hope that the baby gets that is not able to obtain yourself. The idea is to invest in a child that has failed to invest in himself (“let them learn English, I’m foreign language and have not mastered”) is a compensatory story.
– Child-centrism is a concept concerning only parenthood?
– Not only. We talked about the image and imitation in adolescents, about the fact that children are freer to Express themselves. Please note, many adults today dressed in teenage style, although they’re forty. Avoid shirts, ties and suits, preferring t-shirts, sneakers and torn jeans, that is moving in the direction of podrostkovoy. Externally, they really are closer to teenagers than to their parents. But why?
We observe a surprising phenomenon. Today being a teenager is beneficial and much hotter than adults.
The teenager activities, games, the right to pleasure, the right to free sexuality and irresponsibility. What about an adult? Mortgage, obligations at work, fear of being dismissed, the liability to pay for the kids clubs. A comparison between these two perspectives, what would you choose?
But last year, it seems, the idea of child-centrism still began to wane.
– If we are datacentric why missing Teens?
– To adolescence of children from their parents is tired. It is also necessary to speak as one of the reasons why there are problems. Parent tries, takes care, takes care, but after 15 years it is not the same, he was tired of care. To understand how now this boy is acting from a position of the adult or child is does require additional effort, attention, which is not unlimited.
Once an adult wants to live for himself, switches to what he is personally interested. Then, and misses events with his family with teenagers.
– Can you name the signals that the adult still needs to react instantly, to be involved to support the child?
– Bullying and harassment. This is a significant problem. Researchers estimate that children are in a situation of harassment in 30-60% of children’s learning groups of Russia. Until 2012, our country did not pay attention to this phenomenon, although, as indirect and environmental factor, bullying at all times was very important. Baiting is bad for the baby in any position – whether he is a witness, victim, aggressor. In all cases, for all participants there is a number of negative consequences.
The second bell – suicidal thoughts and complaints from the “no one understands me” to “I don’t want to live.” All signals that are worth paying attention to. Alas, this significantly hampered the myths that Teens “when talking about death, then defiantly do it”, “they manipulate, it is not necessary to pay attention,” and “all in my youth was”. Such beliefs in reality hinder assistance to adolescents who need it.
Even if a teenager is manipulating, there is some important need. And before you reject it, is to understand it.
If a child skips school, gets sick a lot, shows excessive interest in scenes of violence, this also means that the person is in a difficult psychological situation, he needs help.
Photo: iStock
– Many parents are convinced that the panacea for poverty and difficult growing up to understand that listening, watching, reading children. Do you agree?
– The main thing – to be available. The rest depends on your stylistic preferences. I propose to look at parenting as an art. We have plenty of opportunities to be parents. A method of proximity with the child to listen to the same music, watch movies, and in General, whether to follow for a child or invite to participate in what is interesting to you – it all depends on your taste and broadmindedness.
Despite the importance of reference groups, parents in this age are essential for adolescents. Although as they get older parents are less present at the time in the lives of their children, their degree of value for Teens continues unabated. In those short minutes that you spend with children, the main thing you need to do not stop loving their children.
The message in many “vkontaktnoy” groups in schools and in General, Pskov, mostly rubbed. But not everywhere: the samples of this “word of mouth” can now be detected in the social network. Strange people a little older than Dennis, Katia – but still not from Pskov, and from some quite unexpected regions such as the Mari El Republic and Orenburg – your own words to retell the news, and then: “VK GUY – so -, VK PUSSY, too, reference, STREAM IN the PERISCOPE again link”.
Page Katie in the most popular Russian social network has “killed” is probably Kate’s mother knew the password or had the property site. Page Dennis can still be seen. Status – a sort of “slogan” pages – “a New life. New booze”. 14 Nov 2016 – last entry.
Learned the severity
Denis and Kate is dedicated to