She said that she had a difficult character, but that didn’t stop her. The actress of the Mossovet theatre Anna Garnova – one of those who resented a bill to toughen adoption rules. Prior to her posts on social networks, few people knew that the actress, along with her husband Alexander Arsentiev, an actor and Director, had already adopted two children. About how they decided to take the family to a teenage girl difficult life, Anna first told to the correspondent “Pravmir”.
Anna Garnova with her daughter. Photo: Sergey Shedrin
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I immediately thought, “That’s my girl”
Difficult to us? Difficult. In some periods of adaptation, we wrapped my husband for the first corner here so I hugged and said, “Lord, what do we do, Lord, give us strength!” Of course, this is a powerful resource when there is support and you can cuddle with your spouse. Sorry we ever had that we did? No.
We have so happened that the blood of children yet. And at some point my husband thought about the baby. This is natural, because my first thought upon adoption always: here’s a small grown as his. We had Helen, she was 4 months. Now she is already 4 years. It’s a small joy and our adoration. It turned out that the parents have been great. There was a lot of effort and resources. And at some point we realized that we are ready to go further.
I began to go to the Internet, found a lot of videos where parents have made Teens and talked like this.
My husband and I saw that at least Moscow is now willing to take kids very much. Kids less than willing. And teenagers not marshmallow, but 13-15 year old’s child.
Well then I’m still a teacher, and I love teenagers. The more complex the nature of the student, the more I am interested to find the approach that such research work starts. So I understand that the resource in this sense is. So in our life appeared Nadia.
I climbed up on the main Moscow site about adoption, and there is a schedule of the days of the stork. Poked at the nearest place – that is, go here. We arrived at the first institution because it was closest in time. Before the adoption, the inner race begins: come on, come on, where’s our child, he’s waiting for us.
It was a boarding school “Kakhovka daisies”, that is, the Center of assistance to a family unit. And it was all very well arranged, some games and so on. And we came very intense. The children are watching us children, they feel self-conscious, awkward we feel. But then it sort of died, and then my husband saw Nadia. And saw her completely differently.
I saw the child, she sat with folded hands, frowning, I thought, “Oh, what a girl, as she reminds me as a teenager!” And I just thought, “That’s my girl”. Sasha saw her the other when she’s on something laughed and said to me later: “I thought, God, she looks just like you. Energy, the emotion.” We saw a completely different girl but the same Nadia.
We were told that the girl character is very difficult. Not to say that it is a comfortable child. And offered to weigh their strength. We got scared and we at some point gave up. “Oh no, we will not, if difficult.” After that we went to the other Days of the stork, but for some reason thought back to Nadia.
Cried and didn’t want to meet
After some time I again called them to see as this girl. I was told that there was a new child in the orphanage. There was a small boy, and it is very well communicated with him. And since we already have a small child, and we were wondering how they got together, it was a turning point. We said learn!
Even my husband is such a moment. When we meet a child, is the point of no return. I don’t know whether it’s right or not, it’s all completely different, but I personally don’t know how to meet the child and then change your mind. They’re teenagers, all know smart and you talked to him, laughed, and then said, “Well, I’m sorry, you’re not good for us, we’ll go the other baby look”. I don’t understand.
We arrived excited, and suddenly we psychologist says, “She is crying, she wants to go, she did not go to meet”.
And the previous guardian Nadi, aunt Galya said, “If you go to another family, forget my phone number”. This manipulation of the child. And Nadya in my life it was the only closest person once a week appeared to talk, buy jeans, ice cream.
Then the psychologist got up, talked with her, Nadia came, eyes tear-stained, red, and here’s a fixed smile. This combination – and there is Nadia. This is her character, and when I’m starting to see that no effort and all in vain, when creeps despair, I remember that face, eyes full of tears, smile, a combination of fear and vulnerable openness. In this moment it was very real, my husband and I looked at each other… the reverse is not in General.
We met – was the month of may. In may very quickly go to the camps, and I am – can’t wait I need all at once. And we did not wait, saying, “come on in September we will start offering” and immediately took Nadia for the summer. The month went together to the village, spent time together. She wanted the last shift to go to camp on the sea, and before this trip we sat down at the table and said: “Nadya, well”. In General, she said, “Yes, I want to be in your family”.
You come to the family, go there, chanting under his breath
When Nadia was 6 years old, her mother was deprived of parental rights. Dad died when Nadia was 1 year and 2 months. Nadia more lived with father’s family. Mom Nadya associated painful memories, as I understand it, there was harsh methods of education.
The guardianship seized Nadia from my father’s family were the reasons. Placed in a boarding school. Then she had a guardian – a grown woman. Custody lasted three months. And Nadia went back to boarding school.
For a child the transition from the familiar atmosphere in a family is a lot of stress. Here to imagine that I now say: an ‘ now you’re going to live with her uncle and aunt. Who are they? Who are they? They in my life? My husband and I are actors and sometimes repeat the text. Nadia a year later she told me that she was so scared when she came into the family. “You yourself talked.” It is now quietly asks: “That text again?” I think the horror, the child gets to the strangers who walk and mutter something under his breath, maybe they’re crazy. If you imagine yourself as a child, well, scared to death.
So, I think the most important thing is to maintain some kind of Foundation of what was. The old school, old friends. We were never forbidden to come to the orphanage, but only to warn caregivers – not frost came and “Hello”.
We decided with my husband that we will find her relatives. She knew nothing, she had no pictures of my dad, not understanding that there are aunts-uncles-sisters, all mixed up in the tangle of past life, she was called names and didn’t know what a human relationship.
And we went to the house where she lived. She said she had often dreamed of this apartment. It is in the Visible, near Moscow. Windows blocked with plywood, boarded up apartment on the first floor. You can look inside and see a bleak picture: “Sealed by the police.”
It was winter, I began to knock on the window to the neighbors. The husband says, “don’t scare people,” I said, “Well, what should I do once arrived!” Came a neighbor, we showed her Nadia’s baby picture. The woman saved a lot of emotions, she very emotionally told about the family of Nadia. The snow falls, Nadia is and listen to. I can’t imagine how she absorbed this information.
Then we learned that somewhere in a nearby village lives the sister’s father that she does not remember. And we are calling on apartments, found the lady very sweet nice woman with a difficult history, too, in a boarding school was brought up. And it is celebrated on March 8, went together to the circus, it is my pleasure to communicate with. She gave pictures of Nadina’s dad said as he took her in a wheelchair. Of course, it is important to know that someone you loved, held, nursed you.
One day I come home in a very good mood, I have such openness to Nadya, I go in the kitchen sits sandwiched Sasha. What is it? “Nadia there with family deals”. And she’s on Skype, with the door closed, but she burst of emotion: “Yes Ah, welco-e-e-et!” – a mother, with relatives from mum.
Well, of course, the first – shock. Let via the Internet, but you have a full house of relatives. It ended up that she was asked: “Nadia, come to us”. I say, “Nagy, where you’re a kid. If an adult wants to come, he offered to meet in Moscow, in a cafe, for example.” “But they have no money to come!” – “Nagy, well on the underground, it is possible to buy a ticket.” In General, the parties did not counter initiative to come. But with my mom she talks sometimes. Sometimes I talked about it.
My mom died when I was 6 years old. And I understand that all the same people your whole life subconsciously figures out the relationship with the mother. He has lots of questions and lots of “why”. And, of course, the child these issues are life.
I’ve never heard that a man was screaming
Well, I guess we understood from the start that a teenager is not easy. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. The teenager is wow! I’ve never been a normal teenager.
I was always a good student. I had straight a’s, gold medal full set, but the behavior was very problematic. Unsatisfactory, unsatisfactory. And when I was in 8th grade, parents were invited to school, asked me in March to take on summer vacation. “Please, take your daughter, we will put all fives for control and in the quarters, only to take it back.” Don’t remember what I did, but something did. I have the diary preserved, it’s all in the comments, I love this diary.
The younger daughter was given the bear, click on him tummy, he sings: “the World of good and obedient children.” I think nothing worse can not be, it is of some Thriller song they and the children to be naughty. They test the strength of the world, you provoke, see how you react. They learn, I like that phrase – “learning about you”.
Once we have Nadia was the story. It is very much shouting. Maybe fatigue has accumulated. Some my simple question such as: “Why are you, Nadia, didn’t say Hello?” caused such a storm of emotions! I’ve never heard that a man was screaming. Here she was standing in front of me: “Leave me, I don’t want to see anyone!” I work in the theatre and never heard any shouting on the stage or in the movies or in life. The heart-rending cry of despair. And of course there was a lot of what was in my address, and could be offended: are you talking back to me? I stood and thought about this Creek?
When emotional intensity, when I went to emotions, don’t talk, to sort things out. It is necessary to let emotions subside and then after a day or two to talk about what happened. Helped me a lot knowing that the teenager didn’t have. He slammed the release of testosterone – it is aggressive. Slammed the release of another hormone – euphoria, then another, and the line of apathy. He lies and really can’t stand up. That is, there is a surge of hormones from all sides is that people can not handle.
And when Nadia I “R-R-R-R-R” – I: TA-a-AK, I wonder what the hormone is there for us now?
Well, then, humor helps, of course.
Once, I remember, go out from her room. I’m right at zero, and my husband is not around, I even have no one to vent to, nobody to share. Come to the kitchen, and some the book is called – there is something about wisdom.
I think, “God, maybe even a clever idea will come across” open in the middle, and now I love this phrase. Heinrich Heine: “Separada the power of love is its limitless generosity and selflessness almost extrasensory”.
That’s what I would write on the wall of any school foster parents.
“I am a poor orphan all I have”
I now have a separate look to mentoring to charity. Here is dobrohotova, when a person comes to the boarding school, brings candy, phones, scooters, gives children, leads them to trampoline centers, returns home and feels he’s done a good job. Yes, it’s a good thing, but now, when I was faced with teenagers… When we met Nadia, she was all trampoline centers, water parks, we had to surprise her. I was nowhere and it was everywhere.
It shapes a child’s subsidized consciousness. Everybody owes me, I am a poor orphan. Adult perceived solely as an object of entertainment. Now comes the adult is to entertain me, to give me something. It also forms the world.
I’m just not entertained. Nagy, please, I want any classes, courses, anything, learn to take herself. This is a huge problem.
I asked constantly: what do you want? This caused wild aggression: “I want nothing, need nothing, want to die under a fence.” And at some point we were sitting in the cafe, and I said, “Nagy, and you asked someone, what do you want?” She began to cry.
In this situation, I just left everything as is. At some point, Nadia screamed, “I hate this room, I hate these four walls, I do not need anyone!” To which I said: “Nagy, I’m happy to hear it. It is, perhaps, the moment of transition from one state to another. The day will come when all will annoy you so much that you get out of these four walls.”
Nadia told me that she was afraid to go outside. When she came into the family, couldn’t ask any time on the street or the road. She found a gray hat in the store and wanted the black, I proposed to ask the seller. Impossible. One time we were at McDonalds, there was a hamburger, I said, “Tell the package we with a pick”. Nadia got up, ran, and returned with a package and here such eyes: “I did!” For it was opening a whole – asked in a McDonalds bag.
We have a very trusting relationship, I like it very much, she tells me some things, for example, that the school call. I once brought her a metaphor: “Behold, Nagy, you have in hand a Cup to put the Cup on the floor, you have to bend over. To humiliate a man, insult is the same, you will fall. If you want to support the person to cheer up, you have to elevate, to raise, and you’ll go up like you are and you need to put a Cup on the top shelf. Like it or not, will rise. It will be more difficult, it is necessary to tear the ass”.
And after some time Nadia came home from school and says that one girl she was called. What about you? “Well, I’ll have a Cup on the floor to put that?” At this moment in the soul of these drums! You think what you said three months ago and you have not heard, but it grows!
My husband once brought from the gym that expression – protein window. This is when after a workout you need to eat protein so that the muscles grow better. I really liked that expression. I think with children, especially teenagers, need to look very carefully when I opened the protein window. This can be a minute, two, three, maximum fifteen. And have a lot to throw at that window because it closes, and then everything you say will be only to irritate.
But she won’t have
I sometimes look at her and think that she is very gifted by nature. In her sea of charm, she has the talent to win over people when it is open and smiling. But for the most part it was not popular 15 years, and triggered a defensive reaction, aggression.
She’s incredibly talented body physics, it turns out all that relates to sport, dance, movement. It is perfectly coordinated. She has a very good head, have shaped philosophical thinking. The only thing I regret is that I did not met her before. She is an incredible beauty, especially when holding back. It is good. There is no cruelty and rancor.
Once very close to me who cares about me, said, “That’s what ingratitude, like Nadia’s acting, she must understand!” I wanted to say: you what? It was our decision to take the child. She did not have to. She is adaptable, she does not understand who we are, what we are, if you can trust us. If the word “gratitude” comes when she will be 40 years, God forbid she will have children and she will be happy and it will make our family how to love and respect each other, and if the word “thank you” will arise before our family’s crypt – Yes, thank God.
You cannot claim the gratitude, I think.
You know, I at some point realized what love is. I do not suffer from lack of selfishness in a good way. Love to take care of yourself and make yourself comfortable. And once in the village we had collected a bowl of raspberries, already Nadia was in our family. And I realized that choosing the most spoiled berries, and the beautiful leave. And I was surprised. My whole life I have selected the ripest and the best. And here is a plate, sit the children, and I best leave them.
I really like one phrase at Shota Rustaveli – saw on a trip to Georgia on the wall. “You hid, then it was gone, what did you give, it is yours.” That is probably with the kids this story.
On stage I became freer. Don’t know whether this is due to Nadia. I think, due to the way you go. Before I really wanted to do the role. I’ll try, I’m going to do everything – was a strain. And now there’s a role perfectly, happy to play. No role is perfect, I have so much time for family. There is a harmony.
If proposed now: “so either you’re an actress or a teacher”, I would say – a teacher. And if asked: “are You a teacher or foster mother?”, I would have said the foster mom.