“Girl, what’s the matter with you?” – why young and unmarried adopt children

“What’s the matter with you?” so reacted compassionate care staff and children KICK at the 19-year-old Maria Agodini to take from the orphanage, nine-year Andrew. The boy did not go, did not speak and was blind. Young unmarried women who decide to take responsibility for the child, becoming more – what motivates them when making decisions and how we have to overcome the lack of understanding of others and their own fears.

Anastasia and Juliana

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Foster among young mothers who took children with special needs, often repeats the same story, says the coordinator of the programme “Assistance to a family unit” charitable Foundation “Volunteers in help to children-orphans” Natalia Skurova. A girl comes to charity with the desire to help becomes a hospital volunteer, regularly visit the hospital children from orphanages and boarding schools who are there for treatment or rehabilitation: “Sometimes hospitals have volunteer the fate of the child is so acute empathy that he decides to take it out of the system and to exert maximum effort to help the little man to be in life.”

I was afraid that not getting married and I’m not scared

“When I gave permission for the adoption, I screamed with happiness for the whole court,” – says Anastasiya Zinkovich. At age 25 she took from the orphanage five-year Ulyana with down syndrome.

Anastasia and Juliana

Anastasia is instagram channel “devochka_s_izyuminkoj”, where pictures of the “Sunny” girls interspersed with her own. They looks confident beautiful young woman with makeup and head of hair. Nastya was a financier and worked in the showroom, when volunteers came to the orphanage. Four months later, he met with Ulyana.

“Usually, children give up and go with ease – gave all you could. And after the first change with Ulyana, I felt that not only gave, but received. I left her with the feeling of happiness. Of course, I asked for a different shift. I realized that you do all the time? not like the other children and leave her there I can’t,” she recalls.

The decision took ten days. Family Nastya long to say – not because he was afraid of rejection or odgovorom, but because did not want to “frighten” happiness. About Ulyana only knew mother Anastasia, who supported the daughter.

But mom was far away, and others tried to dissuade the girl. Six months while the work was going over the adoption paperwork was the most difficult period.

The girl always had to hear: “Nastya, you’re not married,” “You’re only 24!”, “Who are you then married?!”

“This is now my humor about this, but then my position was vulnerable, and any question brought me to the trembling of the hands,” says the girl.

Juliana

From the very beginning she started going to the psychologist of the Fund “downside Up” to work through fears. Among the readers of this blog are future and current adoptive parents, it is also advised to deal with concerns and doubts until the moment the baby arrives in the family.

“Own dezamageste it was not my fear. Me all that scared, and I’m not scared. I wanted to understand why I don’t get scared, because the idea is that this fear must be. But for me, the opportunity to take a foster child became a part of my life since I became a volunteer and see the effects of abandonment. Not to make this decision – so do not take me” – says Nastya.

Anastasia and Juliana

Now Nastya and Ulyana live in Karelia together with Nastya’s mom. It is not always easy, admits foster mom: the girl quickly found her weak points. Caring for her takes all the time Nasty, so she had to leave work. But there were a lot of discoveries about the world of a special child: “there should be not that high expectations, just expectations. You invest in the child and don’t know when it will shoot and shoot it at all. This is a huge level of acceptance! Children’s behavior or the effects of trauma, either a part of nature, and in a moment it will not go anywhere. No matter you’re single or with someone. Of course, when you’re not alone, you have the opportunity to exhale. But the maturity that you will not increase”, – said Anastasia.

Each office had to prove that I’m normal

The student of Rostov state pedagogical University named after Herzen Mary was 19 years old when she decided to become the guardian of nine-year-old Andrew with cerebral palsy. He did not walk and was blind for years in an orphanage-boarding school lost the initiative to life, but somehow miraculously retained a sense of humor. Andrew began to laugh, when there was something funny, for example, someone sneezed funny or cursing type “dog my cats!”. Volunteer Masha, who worked with him, noticed it.

“I realized that he knows more than everyone thinks. And I was very creepy that he can stay in this ghetto forever. I destroyed the idea that if you were on the other side of the fence, your life is already doomed no place”, – says Maria. A student from Novorossiysk to Saint-Petersburg was not his home, no special means of livelihood is only unkillable optimism.

It really helped when I started walking through the offices of the guardianship. It is not taken seriously, almost expelled: “When people found out about my decision, just wondered if I’m normal. In every office I had to prove that Yes, normal.

And then there was another: girl, well a disaster like this with you? Often said, “Why do you need this small monastery?””

Life has experienced a solution to girls three years. First, she scored a guest in the form of custody, and then took Andrew to boarding school.

“I always was someone,” says Maria. Her tenacity and love for life has inspired people, helped her friends, volunteers and employees of the Foundation “Perspectives”. One of the sponsors of the Fund was provided with an apartment for Mary and Andrew, where they lived until he left for Novorossiysk.

The mother took the daughter’s decision with hostility, but knew that to affect him, and gradually accepted it. And to meet the father of Mary is obliged to Andrew. “Dad, I did not see never in life. But before you pick up Andrew, decided to meet him. He first surprised a lot, but now we’re inseparable,” says Masha.

Maria and Andrew

Masha believed in Andrew, and no mistake. “I thought he was maybe more he could,” she says. At the age of 12, after six months of living with her, the boy began to walk and talk. He looked for four years, but quickly began to grow, to stretch. Now Andrew is well-versed in the space of the house. Watching him, it’s easy to forget that he is blind. But the main problem was not whether to remember the basic skills and to improve, insofar as possible, physically, and in the sphere of emotions and feelings.

He used to be obedient and show initiative. Where will sit there and sit all day, if it does not touch. Gradually he began to test the boundaries of what is permitted: the first “don’t want”. He might start behaving “not according to the regulations” is to throw the cane or suddenly jump a few times. “In the orphanage initiative is punishable in the literal sense, and he didn’t immediately believe that it can be exercised even in such trifles,” – says Masha.

There is one residential habit – the ban on the manifestation of negative feelings. Only seven years later after school, Andrew could afford to be annoyed, to be offended. Mary speaks of it as a victory: “Andrey began to trust our negative emotions, without fear of punishment.”

Andrew ten years in the family of Mary. During this time she married, gave birth to a daughter and with her husband founded in Novorossiysk charitable organization “All children can.” It help children with severe and multiple disabilities and their families.

Maria with the family. Photo: vsedetimogut.ru

A year after Andrew Mary wanted to take from the orphanage, another child and contacted his parents to obtain their consent to the guardianship. But as a result he was taken into the family. According to Masha, her act had effect of the broken dam. “From this orphanage only once took a child he was taken to Germany. But after we left several children, I know of at least five cases. Desire people had, but everyone was afraid because it felt that it’s not doing that it is impossible,” she said.

Parents were in shock, but quickly resigned

“It’s a talent from God is to accept others not like us, to help them to live, to feel loved. To be their guide in the world of ordinary people” – the speech pathologist from St. Petersburg Maria Yemets describes the motivation for the decision to take a child with down syndrome in foster care.

She always loved to watch “Sunny” children: how they move, how to communicate. So went to study for pathologists. After nine years of work in the rehabilitation Centre for the disabled, she decided to take custody of a sunshine girl. But I saw in the photo of eight month old Misha and realized that I would be his mother.

“The parents were in shock, they wanted me to have children of their own. But quickly resigned – before I was ready to leave the monastery,” recalls Maria.

The paperwork took a symbolic nine months. Mike was 2.5 years when he came home. The first time Misha did not go, but didn’t even crawl on all fours. At the time and later helped her parents.

Maria and Mike

Supported by the environment. In the parish of Peter and Paul in RGPU of Herzen Masha is also concerned with understanding: Misha took a blind eye to the peculiarities of its behavior, noise.

“I had a fear that I can’t do it. And I still have to overcome, I sometimes hard and it seems that so badly, but I have never regretted my decision. And loneliness, I was not afraid. Thought if there is someone who will love me and Misha, it’s good. If it is not – I’m ready for that,” she says.

Masha and Misha

A year after Misha in her life, there’s Andrew. Together with a friend he came to see Masha and Misha in the hospital. Misha was diagnosed urological malformation, he had to remove the kidney.

Mike, Andrew and Mary. Photo: Lesya Melnyk / Facebook

Now Misha is five years old and he lives in a full family, although at first he had only mother. In 3.5 years the boy went, although Masha had said that if he goes, only to five years. Teachers praise the boy, he quickly began to grow, learned to navigate the home independently eats, tries to undress.

Single mom it is important to understand their resources

Anastasia khodakova, curator of the foster parents ‘ School charitable Foundation “Volunteers in help to children-orphans”

For the single mother it is important to understand your resources: are there enough forces and opportunities to educate one child? Is there someone who can help if mom is sick, she needs to go somewhere or just tired (relatives, friends, etc.)? Besides, we’re talking about the possibilities of support from various funds, public organizations, state organizations, which provide social and material assistance, etc.

Also, if the listener is immediately focused on the admission of a child with disabilities, I would recommend an in-depth examination of health issues (unfortunately, in the framework of the PDS, we can give only General information) and/or the passage of a special course for foster parents with children with disabilities.

Guardianship is especially attentive to the lonely candidates

Expert hotline assistance family charitable Foundation “Volunteers in help to children-orphans”

As for the legal side of the issue, the foster parents is equally likely to be couples and single people. Age restriction of only one adult. Gender does not matter.

However, practice is sometimes different: the specialists of the guardianship is especially attentive to the lonely candidates. Candidates younger than 30 years also is more interest and often are further “interrogation” about their motivation to adopt a child in the family. This is especially true if the applicant chooses the form of the family unit as the foster family, which entails budgetary payments to foster parents.

There have been cases of abuse to our hotline, when the candidates for adoptive parents, not having a family, the guardianship gave verbal refusals in the conclusion of the contract on creation of the foster family: you don’t have a family, the contract is concluded only if the child has a disability or family taken at least two children, or other imaginary causes. And here it should be remembered that only the candidate in adoptive parents is deciding what form of family unit he wants to make.

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