“I cried in the toilet when the adoptive parents chose not me”

“The parents come, encouraging. And you’re happy like this: Oh, I have a soon to be mom, dad, family. And then they just turn away and leave.” This boy blew up shops, steal and fell from the balcony. What a child needs instead of 70 kg Christmas candy and where is the rod to survive after leaving the orphanage, says foster teenager gosh Ginjo.

Gosh Ginjo. Photo: Sergey Shedrin

  • “The hell you took me from the orphanage”
  • “Put’ em naked, dressed them and drove away. Junior never looked back” – to adopt four and learn to love
  • “Fear son jumped on the table and was sure that we’ll get him back”
  • “Fools we are with you, ponabrali children!”
  • “At the solemn meeting we stood and loudly, in unison, cried”

I realized that an orphanage is not normal

From birth I am a conscientious objector, I immediately identified the house of the baby, then preschool center, where I to 6 years and moved to the orphanage.

I remember myself since the moment I joined the group kindergarten. That was before this entry, I do not remember. Who was the nurse that the baby house where the certificate that I was baptized, I was not even aware that a baptized.

One day I came to check, and educators laid out our portfolio, I began to wonder what about us. Every year there laid our feature that we are. And with this instinct I climbed in the portfolio. And saw the name of my parents, mom and dad.

Wow, I happen to have a mom and dad. Their name is so and so. All. A tear went. No, I am grateful that they met, some manipulation was done, and I was born, my mother carried me. Often mothers have abortions, and the child has no life.

I don’t understand why I was abandoned mother, and only because of this I would like to meet her. Maybe not only because of this. The first is to find out who I am fucking awesome, and second, that prompted her to leave me the state on the shoulders.

At nine or ten years, I realized that it was an orphanage. It turned out that there, outside the gates, families live. Children have mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, their family home, and here is just a bunch of kids, which, frankly, do not look.

I don’t get the warmth, affection, love, how could from mom, from dad I got a strong father’s shoulder, and here it is around one aunt. Come and go and come and go. I understand that this is not normal.

And from that moment I began to pray that I died before I turned 18. Because I realized after leaving home, I either drink too much or sarcomancy, or sit in jail.

I used to live here and now. Here I fed, clothed, cleaned for me, all done, wash. Only thing I lift a pen or stretching it. Or send somebody if you do not want to. And there is the gate try to send someone. You’ll put on the first do not want. Before you publish a book, I asked my friends, what is the first difficulty they had when leaving the orphanage. All said documents and to prepare himself to eat. We have learned only to boil Rollton, and to stand over the stove, pour water, cook soup, how to treat it differently, we were not taught. BPSK (instant noodles – approx. ed.) and the boiling water, here is food.

When leaving the orphanage, we knew only 4 of the profession: first – janitor, if you get bad grades, second cook, third Barber and a fourth – landscapers. All

Seniors spoke to me. Physically

I was a sort of cheerful, but vospitalka is called the disease beat me or stuff do to make me hurt, and I laugh. Cry-laugh, cry-laugh. I don’t know where I got that. My pain greeted with a smile.

Or even the teacher pats me on the head, and after a while she me and beats feet. From this I have gone, do not pity me. Because I was sorry, and that was a lie. They played that feel sorry for me.

The caregiver should not be a mother stroking the child to feed him something else. And educators do that, they have their own children at home. They worked, someone was pruposely and home, where their children, which they love, adore and grow. And we mouse, the homeless, or as we call it, we are offspring.

We always shouted: “I’m Tired, pissed off, we don’t need you!” And they said: “We bored you? No, you bothered your parents. His nurse-the alcoholics, drug addicts, they abandoned you, and we work for you, and you still cry”.

Seniors beat us, they were invited by the teachers, because they could not differently we click, so we calmed down, not amused, and so on. Invited older, they reassured us. Either spontaneously beat, the starshak scratched handle, it is suitable and BAMS.

I was brought older kids due to the fact that after lights out I was whispering. We boys giggled, history remembered, discussed, vospitalka this: “Ginzu the hall!” “Bye, guys, go post”. “What can’t you sleep?” “Excuse me, please.” “Wait here, I’ll come talk to you”. And they went to senior housing: “Go talk to Ginjo”. And talked to me. Physically. Thank God, some of the seniors had physical minutes, put the pillow on outstretched arms, and in a half squat I sat for an hour or more was not detected. But then really wanted to sleep, haha.

With the guys we were mostly discussing who slept with whom, who stole what and so on. Who gathered followers in instagram. Such everyday topics about soul we didn’t talk much.

Why early sex again? Because get sex satisfaction, relaxation. What we did not receive in life. We had no again affection, love and so on. And after sex it is all and tested: affection, love.

That’s all I ask, “did You hurt little kids or not?” No. Even then I already knew that I don’t want small have experienced the same pain as I do.

When we are caught stealing, we cry that orphans

When we were fifteen and it was possible to go beyond the territory of the orphanage, in the winter we with the guys went into the forest, hiding behind a snowdrift from the roadway and obsidiane cars with snowballs, sticks or just pulled a garbage can and put on the road to plug new. We didn’t like the looks collection. We throw, throw, machine stops, people go-collectors and begin to shoot at us. We quickly run deeper into the forest, fall.

They let us queue, we were lying in the snow and then realized that to do it any longer. Then we started to blow up the stores. Bought new year dogs, came into the fixed-price intim-shops, floral, burned, threw, ran away. What shall we do else? To sit in an orphanage? To watch TV? Eat last year’s candy? Boring. Have to cheer something.

Or, for example, I go to the store, I see a lot of different food and like, “Oh, my Gosh!”

There’s no money in a month give 400 rubles, well, that I can buy? Beer, cigarettes, money, everything. How to get what you want? Steal!

I hid in the pockets of gum sneakers and so on. Then I decided that enough and want adrenaline. Started to pull big. When we moved to secondary school, I was just bringing whole packages of food.

There were moments when I was caught, but I knew already what to say. We cry that we are the children-orphans from this orphanage, we were beaten, hurt, “you see how I dressed bad.” Yeah, bad: timberlands, the iPhone in my pocket. “I, too, steal! This will be the first and last time, I will not see here” and so on. All of us go.

Once a friend suggested earn: come to me you will steal this jacket, hat and something else. Me: come on! I go to the “Sportmaster”, all this raking, first tried on, and maybe I myself will take him and not give up.

Pass to magnetic part, the guard, everything is normal, and top down man, I hope I’m not coming. “Well, well, young man! Come with me.” And that’s all. Heart tudum-tudum. Drenched in sweat and I think, a small one and the same song helped me. Pass, get a backpack, put all on the table, frankly, was embarrassed.

They look at the cap, there’s such a hole from the magnet. “You have the money to pay for this product?” “We in the orphanage give 400 rubles, where the money to pay?” “Well then call the police.”

Before that they called the orphanage. I thought the phone Director will raise, and raised, Raisa Ivanovna, his Deputy. She said: “We caught your child”. “Who?” “Gosh”. “Oh, Ginjo? Throw it through the window.” A guy standing here with such eyes, “Well you know this amount, it can be put”. She said, “If you don’t want to bother, call the police.”

Thank God the judge was a normal guy and held on to the Amnesty and I was released on Amnesty on may 9 or what war involves. You think it stopped? While I was in the orphanage, I had the need to buy something. Pass by sneakers or gum, hungry, and all in the pocket, I’m going. Already at the large did not go to the store, understand that if catch – all is prison, I don’t need this, I’m blossoming, you mean!

Please send me home from the hospital, I’m normal

In childhood, I don’t remember either 6 years, or 7, we went to the Crimea in the camp “foros” and lived on the second floor. Return from the sea, hang bottoms and see what you can get to another balcony. But there is a distance from the septum to the railing. I stand on the railing, and all fell. Then I lay in the hospital, I was later told that the teacher was getting the kids every night and they prayed that I survived and woke up finally.

Open my eyes in the hospital, I got IV sticks, I get: “what’s the matter?” The teacher was like, “Ginjo alive!”

Ended camp session, and I had somewhere further to go, come to the orphanage, and repairs. Where to take you? We have connections from 6 th don psychiatric hospital, where you get. I was all, “guys, do I look crazy?” No, but there’s no other way, and after a quiet hour for me coming soon and I was transported back. And before that, I met a boy in the sanatorium, whose name is gosh, which I was very happy because I never met a boy with the same name as me.

We were like brothers, went, fire extinguishers shot, nonsense did, he introduced me to his parents. They made me gifts to bring and say that we’ll get you out, now all over, come to the orphanage and pick. And then I was placed in a psychiatric clinic.

There I met my supervisor who was my doctor, I went for it: “Please send me home from the hospital, I’m normal,” and she stroked me in the evenings, I lie down with her on my lap, and she stroked me, how good this feels when you Pat on the head. And then I was supposed to sign me out. She comes in and says, “You write, keep your nose clean, so everything was OK.” Well, all fingers like a fan, snot bubbles, I started to send all on figs, in time not to fall asleep, they’re like, “Well, stay another month”, in the end, I spent there three months.

I returned to the orphanage, had lunch, the teacher Tatyana Ivanovna approached me and said, “Ginjo, you know, what came to you family and wanted you to see.” I said, “No-OO”. And I realized that it is the parents that goshi came and wanted me to pick up, but afraid that I’m crazy.

“We know you came for me!”

Watch me come 9 foster families, but in the end no one was taking me home. As they do come… Look at first. or for example, the first family I saw on TV. I shot the First channel, where I’m such an angel, quickly know how to fold clothes how to wash the floors and so on. Some sort of Blizzard. Came like, “Hey, we saw you on TV, tell me something about yourself” and so on. And, of course, represent that they are journalists, want to see the life of an orphaned child. We immediately understood that it was the adoptive parents who want to take us, we have his eyes burned.

About me soon to take home, yay, go figure, I’ll be home soon! But after learning about me from the bad teachers, they left.

And then we realized that we products. As in the stores. Comes buyer, that is, the parent, chooses.

If you don’t have blue eyes or half of tooth no, we’re not going to buy, let us this who have blue eyes and white hair.

I used to have this when I was 10 years old. About it the book doesn’t say. Come parents, are encouraging. And you love to be, Oh, I have a soon to be mom, dad, family. And then they just turn away and leave. At first I thought why. I say the most beautiful words and show that I’m really awesome boy, take me away.

For example, came a young mother, who also saw me on TV, I was delighted. A young mother is cool, we’re on the same wavelength. The teacher told her about me the best of everything and even invented. Came another: “Who Ginjo? Do not take a sin on soul!” Doused me with mud. The woman was like, “Okay, thanks” and left.

We stopped her. She leaves the orphanage, and we run towards the type of water to drink: “Hello, and you came to whom?” And she’s got a confused look. That is to say, I have it here, I came for him. And now she has to refuse. “Oh, see how you live.” “We know you came for me!” And she just stopped and left. And after this point burning that I would have a family life, was gone.

The last person who came and disowned me, were businessmen. To me it is even more infuriated because they came to me, but in the end wanted to pick up another. Came to me: “What are you doing?” and so on, I was like, “Well, in the art of hairdressing, dance”.

Father glances at the wardrobe: “what are those letters yours?” I said, “No.” And there is merit in karate, and so on. “And whose? Can invite this child?”

The teacher leads this child: “This is Sergei and his letters”. I like this stand: “Can I go play? Thank you.”

The first four coming when he came and the parents left, I cried in bed or the bathroom so no one saw. I was hurt not because of the fact that they come and go, and that I was the product.

She bought me a red bowtie, and I wore it everywhere

I sat in the bathroom on the windowsill and said, “Please, hear me, fate, God!” even more destiny, because I didn’t believe God. I had a inquiry that this was a wealthy family, dad was such a growth, my mother was, and was running around the house Labrador black bald nose to run around a little mulatochka and so on, all these requests were.

They must have a fat wallet. The thicker, the better. Because if the wallet is thick, so my future life will be provided. Again, I’ll do it. For me to find a job, I will buy this and that.

Was the first family in 16 years, but there still were women. Mother is a woman, her mother, a woman and a dog, too, was a woman named Sonia. I was like, “Well, at least the dog, that’s good.”

Photo from personal archive

I thought this is the perfect mother, because in the very first meeting we were sitting in the woods and drank alcoholic cocktails in jars, she let me smoke, she is not wasted on me, but the money she had.

But after some moments we have with her, I wanted her to run. She messed up the relationship to the child and the attitude of the husband. She saw in me a young man of his own. The first day she bought me a red bowtie and all, and such a way: the type I is perfect, a little present with a bow. And I went to this butterfly everywhere.

And I went into custody, said I can’t be in this family that had me confused, in theory, I should be treated as a child, not like a man. They’re like, “cut the crap, go back.”

After Hiking in custody and going to the psychologist I’m still not discarded the idea that I want to leave this house. I’m calling Diana (Diana Mashkova – the foster mother of Gosha, the head of the club “the ABC of foster family the” Fund “Arithmetic good” approx. ed.) and say they really can’t, I need to get out of here or I will run away and will be out on the streets. “Gosh, just wait, we’ll make the papers and take you”. She took me and it was my first New year in the family.

With Diana, we met thanks to Dasha, who is now my sister. In the orphanage we lived on the same floor. She described simply: she’s coming with me by car, they have a townhouse, she’s a writer and a journalist, I was like, “Gee, what I need”.

We met by chance, she came out of Dasha out of the orphanage, and I look at her, “And she’s rich? Maybe Dasha beguiled?” Simple, flared jeans, regular turtleneck, the coat is not expensive. In short, since the aunt. Walk up to her: “Hello, Diana, I read your book! She’s so amazing!” That’s how we met.

Diana. Photo from personal archive

A person cool, when his work is praised: “God, I have read your book, seen your movie!”

I was very happy that I took it. And she didn’t send me on all four sides, and I found myself back in the orphanage.

In the orphanage there are no people who tell you that you’re normal

I didn’t know what love is, didn’t know how it is expressed, as to understand what is love, I showed Diana and her husband Dennis. If a person is sick: “your head hurts? Drink a pill, tea please, chamomile with honey” – even through it is manifested the love. Because in the orphanage like? You’re sick, go to the infirmary.

In the family. Photo from personal archive

Denis I am grateful that he taught me how to communicate. With the girls. And with anyone else. I looked at him and wanted to imitate him. How he communicates with the girl, Diana, with some of the daughters. And I according to the observations realized on that the girl admired you and have shown interest to do this, this and this.

Mothers we call almost all. Not to call, for example, Diana Vladimirovna. So it’s easier. But if it is with the feeling, then began to call.

First, Diana V., then Diana, then turned all to just “mA”. MA, as there is to include, mA, can money? And then still I was unsettled, sure that this is my place and home, and then was born: “Thank you, mom! Mammy!”

She showed me that I can interact with a child, I like children. And well, if I go this way, so I’m studying to be a teacher. It showed that I have a well developed imagination and that I can convey to people is that paper gave me the opportunity to write a book. While in the orphanage of the people present, who will take you and help you, and say: you’re normal.

Diana. Photo from personal archive

I went to culinary courses, we were preparing a sea bass, what? I think I’ll stand at the stove and prepare you a sea bass? No, of course. I even myself sometimes manually dumplings can’t cook, buy ready-made, I don’t know what is in the Patty. Not just beef, but there’s still the bread mash, peel the onion.

At the orphanage: “So, today we have a circus going to the circus”. “Well, I don’t want to!” “Up and to the circus!” You’re like, “OK, OK”. And here you are free in your actions, you get to do what you want. You don’t give the cliche: do as I say. You put before a choice that is also new.

When I came into the family and I said, “gosh, what you like soup, mushroom soup or there”, I said, “And you give me a choice?” Because you’re in the orphanage come into the dining room and today’s your soup, eat soup. There was no choice. And family ask you what you want.

We are the same as the rest

My book “my name is gosh. The history of orphans” was created for adoptive parents and for those who are going to take custody or adopt. Teenagers. Because everyone thinks that teenagers are terrible, they are afraid to take, but no. Guys we are not afraid of us more interesting than these little, ha ha!

I had a friend, and before he got in the family, we called him a hobo. He always smelled like sweat, he was stealing, fighting, in short, a thug who has it 9 times and returned to the orphanage. And here was a woman who was like, “Well, what do you want to show me? Hit? But I’m stronger can.” All they are to each other is located, I met him recently, just know such a little shirt I was like “Earrings, are you?” He Said: “Yes.”

The idea of orphanages are one and the same always that it is bad, beat you, and all you offspring, isolated from the world, you are all freaks. Most sponsors come to us for the New year. Diana recently announced, how much kg for one child out of candy. 70 pounds that do not remember, but quite a lot. And the same candies are presented to us on February 23, we Wake up: “boys, on the 23rd of February!” We approach the tables, and there are Christmas gifts, we are the “Save-and-and-because!”

We ask the question, “what do you want for the New year?” We order the timbs, iPhones, everything is expensive. That even your child can afford. Sponsors we brought it, we are reviled, then: “Oh, the thread pulled out! Sell!” Sold, money in my pocket.

If people want to help, it’s easy. Or to invest at least a hundred rubles a month to the Fund to help orphans, or, again, become a mentor to a child, to show him the world. And not this here: I’ll buy him what he wants, and that will help him. No, guys!

Rod just does not appear. Those who are in the top 10 percent of orphans, surviving in the world, have this rod since childhood. They laugh even when they are beaten. They have no such that all creatures, and so on. They go with a smile and realize that, coming from an orphanage, do something great. I do to spite the people who said that I drink too much, and so on. And those who are crying, grow up, take revenge, beat small, become alcoholics.

We are ordinary people, Yes, we have a PostScript, that we with mental retardation (mental retardation – mental retardation – approx. ed.) or something else. Genes more all the blame, if the mother was an alcoholic, we will also. Give us the bottle and we will sapiensa. No, of course, the genes, nothing is transferred.

Drunkards, too, genes not passed, it’s all myths. We are no different from those who are outside this system. We are the same as the rest.

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