“I thought after the first of September the world will be cleansed – such a sacrifice is brought to Beslan”

Marina Pak asked, so long prayed her daughter Light on the morning of the first of September 2004 before you go on line to the school №1, but somehow knows: Amy prayed for her that she, mom, did not turn away from God, when in Beslan will come the most terrible times. The story of Marina continues the series of publications about the city and its residents 14 years later.

Marina Pak

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The city and the plant

– Marina, tell us how your life had a son, as I decided to take this step?

– You know, I explain it simply: the Lord so controlled, differently will not tell. Everything was decided within five minutes and my fate was decided and his fate.

Marina Park sits at a long table in a small room, one of the three allotted for the office of the Committee of mothers of Beslan, and cries a lot because of my issues. Today, the city is an important day: collecting signatures against the construction of a silicon factory. On A4 paper in neat handwriting teachers work with nearly thirty years Marina has withdrawn text: “We, the people of Beslan, against…”, but time and was annoyed that Susanna (head of the Committee of Mothers of Beslan Susanna Dudieva – approx. ed.) in advance did not specify how exactly should the “make a hat”.

To find the office of the Committee is simple: to go from the gym about 300 yards to the School alley to the street Oktyabrskaya, turn right and go past located in the shop building “Products”, by boys on tricycles, and their grandparents in colorful fur coats, until you reach a concrete staircase leading up to the heavy iron door. Marina deliberately left it ajar. After six in the evening at the door one by one – couples, families, groups – go people. With all she exchanged words offended protest, each requests have to “push apart” the neighbors, who probably now went out into the yard, sit together, indignant, and walk to the Committee and to emphasize the signature can’t.

– In Omsk closed silicon plants, and we have – please. Found fools! In General, these enterprises are building over 100 kilometers from the village, says the elderly man.

Right behind him come two women: one aged, the other young, her daughter.

– Second genocide in Beslan want to make. One was not enough – he resents the younger, referring, of course, the events of September 2004.

– Mom, Nastia as the middle name? Dmitrievna. Yes, I wrote it down, asked another visitor into the phone.

– What were we talking about, Natasha? – gathering his thoughts, turns to me Marina, when we finally are alone. You forgive that are constantly interrupted, it’s important.

– You told about the son.

– Oh, Yes. True.

A daughter’s place

On the 27th day after the tragedy, when the rains became frequent, evenings cool and the leaves on the trees outside the Windows of their old apartment in which the Marina will be able to return only once, just turned yellow, she found the body of his Lights and everything had to go crazy. Two years ago Marina’s sister died, September 8 did not father still believed that Light alive in one of hospitals of Moscow, St.-Petersburg, Rostov, and he ceased to believe, and at this very moment his heart stopped.

Marina from the very beginning did not accept the idea that Sveta could go wrong. In the 12 years her daughter was so churched, how Marina could not determined to enter the Church until now, although every time the Church tries to stand in the place where 14 years ago, stood together with daughter.

Marina and the Light

– People might not understand why I was looking for this place… now I see children her age at Church are worn, capricious. We do not it. I felt that she understands me more what happens in the temple. She was already five years old then, we went to the service, and the hail started right ice hitting the Windows! I turn, look, she’s standing quietly. Usually children afraid, mother hug. When we came, I say, “Sveta, you hail not scared?” She says: “Mom, we’re with God was.”

That day, the first of September, the world has long stood on her knees before the icons, more than three times read “our father”, three “mother of God” and “Believe.” What she was praying about, Marina to ask did not dare, and now often reproaches himself for it. She waited for the Light in the kitchen – although the daughter did not like to eat Breakfast, but before the almost pledged, and prayed, hurried: “Mom, I’m already late, go to Breakfast when I get back”. With this and ran away, but almost immediately came back: “Mom, can you go with me?” “Mija, I will not have time to change”. Light crossed her doors – she never baptized casually, swinging – and then had gone away. Marina thinks her daughter made so that the mother did not turn away from God, when will come terrible times.

– I am so in those days was sure that the Lord will not suffer child abuse. My faith at that moment was so strong that the hair on me didn’t budge. Three days I went so confident that these children will be nothing.

Light

Anyway, to be honest, I thought that my child is exactly nothing, because the Lord will not leave, will not take it from me.

On 27 September, the day of the exaltation of the cross, Marina was in the service and prayed, and then, towards evening, the Light found. With such strength of faith and the roots. Marina could not go to the temple. She doesn’t know how much she had to look for an answer why it happened, if not the letter. Another forty days had passed, when a woman found him in Svetiny things. Once her daughter saw a cat eating her kitten and such she came to the conclusion that until now, Marina wonders how they could be born in a child’s head.

Light wrote: “the Cat kills her child not because she was a bad mother, but because she wants to protect him from something more terrible, because he was born weak.” This phrase is placed in the heart and in the mind of Marina. Then she decided that since the Lord took the children, He could see why He did it.

“Mom, I have another mother was”

– Right, Natasha, we talked about his son, – says Marina when the next Beslan residents by signing against the construction of the plant, hiding behind the iron door. In that year, for the first time I went on line to Light and many years asking God the question: “Why did You leave me alive?” I just didn’t know how to live. At first I wanted to leave the monastery. Don’t know what would be my quick temper I became a nun, but I wanted to hide from the world. Stopped what I have a very sick mother, so no my father does not bless, nor I myself would not dare to leave her alone. She’d never forgive me.

We had to live for my mom, and Marina wandered so much neudenau, love that she’d suffocate, keep it to yourself. In 2006 she married a man who was lost in the attack wife. Many in Beslan say that this modest wedding was like starting another life, when people rose red eyes, took a black robe, overcame silent shame of the living to the dead and tried to go further, as Marina Pak tried to become a mother of two daughters Alana Adyrkhayeva. They lived together for several years, that ought to do next as she could. Marina still thinks girls family, communicate with them, but Alan did not happen. About that period of her life, she says frankly:

– Left me in the family Adyrkhaeva because my body didn’t want to accept the fact that I ceased to be a mother.

In Beslan just over 30 single women, who lost their only child or all children, but age still able to give birth. The government offered them the procedure of IVF. As a believer Marina knew that it was wrong, so I decided to adopt a child.

Marina and Herman

– When we met, he was five years incomplete, it is now the twelfth year. His name is Herman. I remember the smell of him, when we in the bus went to Ossetia. I remember him for life. Because I still remember the smell of my daughter, and I really wanted to same something… It’s wrong, but a reaction, a reflex. So I went straight to the head bent down and it was a different smell. Then passed, maybe a year. In the evening I bathed him, bear arms, sniffed it, and realized that the smell of it has changed – has become absolutely native. You know, everything changes.

In Astrakhan, Marina went for another boy, Seryozha, but he was much older than specified in the questionnaire. But the orphanage was working fine Lyubov Vladimirovna. Would meet her again in life, Marina is very grateful to her. She talked to adopt, said that the boy had a large, complicated, he must be his father, and then showed the Herc, healthy good child, “karachanak” – and like Marina, she’s Korean – only now lives in an orphanage since birth, so nesotsializirovannyh.

Marina then nothing was scared, but nothing big, significant and felt. Not her mother began to stir, a pain in the heart, and the human: “I know he’s my brother, it got my blood. Here, in a strange city, he’s alone, no dad, no mom. How can I keep him?” A week later, when they both returned to Ossetia, was a night that Marina was putting Herc to sleep and suddenly realized that she to him – all the love in the world and that she regained her mother’s fortune.

– Remember how he first time you called mom?

– Oh, Natasha, he called the mothers of all. He just didn’t know what it is. The month suffered from the fact that his brother remained there. Brother what? Birth were next to Kostya. He had already a brother called, he complained: “Mom, Kostya his mother found?” They understood that it’s something that they need.

Me in the foster system really don’t like that the child’s aunt, and just say that it’s his mom. It’s a terrible adoption system, terrible.

Who invented it, I don’t know. Remember, Herman me in two weeks says: “Mom, my other mother was. I waited and waited, but she didn’t come.” Then I called back and found out that he wanted to adopt in France. People came, looked, and for some reason, a failure, and he has promised this to his parents.

So he was memcal my nieces, all the women that I met on the street. Aunt – mum; the girl mum. Then my niece put it: “Your mother is Marina, we are your sisters”. So he was taught. And once again he called someone mom runs up to me: “Mom, I’m sorry, please I’m sorry”.

“I thought from that day the whole world will be cleansed”

Marina works as a teacher in the new, eighth, school, Lenin street, which was built after the attack. And before that she led a circle of fashion in the House of children’s creativity, or the House, as it is called in Beslan.

First Murininae pupils was Light and her classmates. Girls that year won a major competition in Moscow, and Marina was sure that a great future awaits them. But there was a terrorist attack, five girls, two died Marinina Light and her girlfriend. Sewing costumes no longer worked. Marina tried to be honest, she had another three or four issues, first girls charactize as Marina calls them, heavily injured, which we had to recover emotionally, and then a new generation, but return to circle at first, a high level out – whether it was the other, whether the world has changed forever.

– A lot of time has robbed me of the Committee, then my mother became seriously ill. Now the age comes on the heels of. And financial difficulties do not allow to travel outside of the Republic. It turns out that we are here in its own juice stew. But we are not upset, because we all wait for every year with a new collection. Half-heartedly we continue to exist.

– So, you still have the girls sew dresses?

– Yes, they do think of something, and I implement because, unfortunately, the new school built, but not equipped with donit line – stands empty office. Gave us sewing machines, they proved to be defective. Written off, probably. And no, we were not able this equipment to get. Now the total effort is something we find someone we their old sacrifices.

Lately in the Republic, as well as throughout the country, unstable, and in moments of despair Marina thinks about leaving, but where? Yes, and she is already “old tree”, the coffins of their loved ones as roots, grown in the Ossetian land: daughter in one cemetery, the mother on another, and another, father, sister, nephew.

If to leave only for my son to give him a better future. Marina doesn’t want Herman listened to anything that people said. She still recalls with horror the day he came home crying because the kids on the street said he was your step-mom.

When he asked if it was true, the Lord himself told me what to say. I told him that I wanted it hurts to do so made you a stranger, not a stranger to me you wanted and me for you. Do not listen to anybody, that’s not true. You believe in God? God has done so that mother and son, you and I met. God us the fate of this prepared. I’m your real mother. You’re my real son. Something else you don’t have to think ever. I think on earth the flesh is temporary, the flesh is the seat of the soul, and most importantly – soul. If the soul is touched, this is the real meeting and it is motherhood.

Marina, do you think that Beslan and its people changed after those events?

– When all this happened when this victim of the city brought all over the country, around the world, I’m in the shower I thought, “Lord, really…” I thought everything from this day cleansed the whole world, the conscience of all people, would become a net – addict will not be able the syringe to take in hand, a woman will begin to behave properly, people will be honest. I swear to you, I believed it. After such sacrifice, people are required to cleanse the soul. I thought it was all for God will come, everyone will understand that because of our sins, earthly children have taken on such a cross.

But I saw that the years go by, and everything in its place even worse. I don’t know what on Earth has to happen to get older realized that children do not leave we are good. Probably can’t be always bad.

It is necessary to hold, we must still go to the end and still carry the love, light for our children, so they had a hope to live. If we otchima, our children will not be in front of the world.

The story of Marina once again interrupts the creak of an opening door. On the verge of four girls a little older than the terrorist attack itself. They learn in the class at the Marina Alexeyevna, at her request came to the Committee after additional studies.

– What’s so special about this plant? – asked the boldest.

– People will be more likely to get cancer. And had some failure in production – and you know how we all relate to safety – affected the entire city, – says Marina. The girls look at each other fearfully, then, of course, painted.

Marina thanked them, wished good luck for exams and stares after them. Who knows what she was thinking at this moment. Maybe she thinks about silicon plant, its sharp pipes that will breathe in the little Beslan black smoke. Maybe she thinks about her son Herman, so no one dared to call them strangers. Maybe Marina thinks about the world, that she would now be 26 years of age and that on graduation they together made the beautiful dress.

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