“I wrote nasty things to friends with kids” – how childfree became a children’s nurse

Once Olga Nechaeva did not want to have children – adhered to the ideology of childfree and had a career HR specialist. Today she is the mother of 7-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son diagnosed with severe his rehab Olga decided to do myself. In his blog Olga says of her son’s success and talks about his new profession of nurse, for inspiring parents of children with special needs.

  • To son survived, my mom changed the law
  • “I am very comfortable and happy to live” – mother hides his sons with down syndrome and their future plans
  • Daughter spoke at the age of 30 when she was born, about autism, no one knew
  • Goes to school, goes to the store, standing in line for an apartment – how to live a “special” teenager in the United States

In November 2011 Olga Nechaeva was five months pregnant and was angry with himself and the world that she “will give birth” to the child she “pre-like”.

– Wrote nasty things to their friends, who have children, or could say to them: “You come to visit, but it is better without kids.” And if you come with children, they were strongly avoided. Said: “Well, what do you good with children? For their love? You sit in the decree and make you stupid.” In General, the horror. Remember, of course, embarrassing, but it was.

By the thirtieth week, Olga passed all the stages of denial and acceptance – and this pregnancy has been for her “like Woe” – and came to the conclusion that “well”. My daughter was born 2 APR.

– When I saw it… it was just magical… I admired how she was of incredible beauty. This cool, pink. Dima waited for her to be born the first of April and we’ll be laughing the rest of my life, but Amy over us the second time was a joke. Thank God that she was born, and I changed, we all are.

Will take dogs, cats and I live well and happily

Olga always was somehow indifferent to the children. Adults communicate it more interesting, and to make friends like we had with the boys. Really, the only friend from first grade is still the best. And in kindergarten did not go: the first month was sitting in a chair, crying. Nurses then said: “Take, we can’t do anything”.

When Olga was three, parents divorced, mother is an accountant and my grandmother – the Deputy Director of Gastronome №1 – worked in shifts, that daughter was home. Olga remembers that she always lacked a mother, but mother’s love was obscured by the need to earn, and therefore, fatigue and breakdowns.

She could afford to say that all problems are because of the children, – says Olga. And I felt that I was born and all the life went downhill.

Olga with her grandmother

Apparently, then decided – why do I children. Make a living how I want, have doggies, kitties and I shall live well and happily.

Before I met my husband and the life of Olga, as she admits, was boring and some inadequate. The University pulled two academny, save the passion for tennis. Windy evenings in the fall of 2001, she was sitting in the chat room on the Internet guys from different cities. There I met “the Russian boy from Estonia”.

Dmitry was 25 years old. A Builder by training, he sang in an Orthodox choir, toured in different countries. In one of these trips at night under the covers corresponded with Olga, and the choir displeasure said: “Well, enough with that already”. Typing on a touch tone telephone brought even to blisters. “We talked and doboltalsya to the words: “And I’ll call you,” smiles Olga. – Began to call, share pictures”.

The New year Olga went two days in Tallinn to meet Dmitry personally. “I felt that it was mine and I have nothing else”. In February Dmitry came to Moscow and made Olga offer. “Of course, “Yes,” laughs Olga. But then I was not associated with children.”

In the summer, Dmitry “dropped everything” and moved to Russia with Olga, they rented an apartment. Dmitry got a personal assistant Director in the office of a metallurgical company, Olga defended diploma and got a job in a recruitment Agency. Once a month, bought a Snickers, shared and rejoiced.

Olga and Dmitry

We were totally free and happy. In a rented apartment without the knowledge of the hostess after a year took the cat. That is, we have built a family around himself as he could, – says Olga. – Dima knew that I don’t want kids, he just took everything. Maybe if we gave birth to then, broke down. But I think somewhere inside he understood that my reluctance to pass, and pulled me with this issue. I think his feelings for me were stronger than what he feels should be the family.

Friends joked that Dmitry from Estonia, so calm and patient, and he explains:

– Understand the essence – the person that you. I met with Olga and talked with her in order to be together, we are well, both then and now. And I also immediately clicked for me.

Yes, children make the family more complete, but they are not the reason to be together.

You can, of course, to pull the ears that I am Orthodox, I accept that, but most likely it was just some kind of wisdom. Must have understood that in life things can be different, understand the course.

Olga and Dimitri have been together for 17 years. For the wedding they made fruit cheesecake in the display and labeled their first messages to each other.

I got a lot of pleasure from the child

2011 began for Olga with the good news: she was offered the position of HR Director in an international company, and with it a higher standard of living. Olga dreamed of: “that’s it, will soon begin a new life, bright and intense”, and was preparing to sign the invitation.

A new life began early – Nechayev found out that you’re expecting.

Olga difficult given the memories of the first reaction “Oh no! don’t want” and the subsequent nine months is that past for which she was ashamed. She repeatedly asked for forgiveness from their friends with children who were offended by his behavior. To forgive could not all, and Olga understands them. Now she thinks: it was the beginning of the depression, and regrets that she did not even got the idea to go to a psychologist. But then, “understood, as I could with myself” and a number, like a warm blanket, husband and mother cared and the words “We will sit with the child themselves.”

– Began to learn about childbirth: included video I watched from the corner, imagined myself in their place, crying even more. Came back to my memory the stories of my mother as she gave birth with insults and humiliation. And I was so terrified.

And the pregnancy, meanwhile, was held without problems. Once Nechayev did a 3D ultrasound, looked at his daughter from all sides, chose strollers, name – Martin, Emilia or Lena. Olga talks about it with a smile and think to that moment if she didn’t like the daughter, it is definitely waiting for her.

In the hospital they were together, and Dmitry, as he jokingly admits, “also gave birth” – was there, holding my hand. And when my daughter was born, Olga realized that remains in the decree. Carolina-Emilia family name is just “Amy”.

I got a lot of pleasure from the child. He’s so wonderful and funny! Joined the community Slingo-mom, and Amy rode in a sling across Moscow. Since then, children from the slings have grown up, but we moms are still friends.

“You know, we have a problem” – said the doctor

Olga was on the wave of motherhood. ‘ve read stories of many children, he wanted at least four and maybe to adopt.

– When you’re in a party mom, see how people build relationships with children, how to communicate. And I was very interested in how parents can make children, living together, loved each other and still be individuals.

A year after the birth of Amy she told her husband that she wants a second child. Dimitri then said, “Wait a little, let him grow up. Let’s start with one of the deal.” But Olga was uncompromising. “Tommy is already my child, I have desired and inspired me”, – she jokes.

– You know, we have problems, – said the gynecologist, when Olga on the 12th week came to register. – You have 3-4 degree of dysplasia, that is a precancer. To do an interrupt, otherwise you will die and the child.

– What is an interrupt? exclaimed Olga. – I first time in my life I wanted a baby! Even if the cancer, I bring, then will cut my that Queen – God bless her.

Bet, out of the office Olga popped up in tears, called my husband. The doctor Dmytro said, “You know, to keep the child is our decision.”

In female consultation on a residence Olga came only in the 28th week. On the ultrasound there was a small fetus. Remembering that about the older daughter said, too, calmed down and Olga, the doctor.

Something accidentally or by chance – don’t even know – until I wore Tomic, somehow immersed in the topic of disability, – says Olga. I don’t know how brought me there. Apparently, with the birth of eldest daughter, I started to read the whole information of parent-child flow. And internally prepared that even if the child will be pathology, I’m still his face.

A blooming spring day, may 11, when the window was filtering the sunlight and played with the young green leaves, Nechaev was born the son of Thomas Philip, Tommy, and home-Tomic.

– When I put it on the belly, the first thing I said – why are you so small? Although he was already 42 degrees. The doctors took Tommy to warm under the lamp, and when he returned, he said the worst thing he has a small head – 30 cm, and need at least 34.

But to Tommy’s house got more than one kilogram like a normal baby. Reassured, Nechayev went to the cottage.

The excitement came back in the August. Tommy was lying, suddenly scattered pens and blinked, as if frightened. Olga and Dima thought, “Well, maybe the corner of my eye saw something that frightened child”. When the son stopped sleeping and began to cry often, Nechayev began to return to “the chthonic horror” and realized – it is necessary to the neurologist.

From the office of the Ph. D. Zaitsev they came out with the diagnosis “epilepsy”. In my head was this picture: man falls and frothing at the mouth beating in spasms.

– Husband did not weep, do not beat your head against the wall, but that day, the denial left me, and I realized that our lives will never be the same and our child, most likely, too.

We sat on the floor Dima embroidered, and I knit

And then began the standard way parents of a child with special – running around to doctors, trying to ignore the “favorite phrase about vegetable.” Tommy was diagnosed with lissencephaly, microcephaly, an abnormally positioned heart, metabolic problems, severe malnutrition and a dozen more diagnoses. In the evenings Olga was sitting with reference books on neurology and genetics, and the day Nechayev went to rehab.

– I’m in a fog, I remember the time. Amy just terribly jealous of us to the son, fought in a hysterics and I wasn’t sleeping, I was arguing with Dima, did not have time to keep track of what was happening to him. We have one bedroom apartment in the Khrushchev, and children slept in separate rooms, so as not to Wake each other. But still woke up by turns, as the dolls, and one of us was alive, he fled to lay back.

And if we put all and we have had a hour of free time, Dima sat on the kitchen floor, he embroidered while I was knitting. And parallel to watching a TV series and drinking tea. It was 3-4 in the morning, another time was not, but not doing it was impossible. If you just went to bed, we covered the growing feeling of Groundhog day, but here at least some time on yourself.

Mother Olga, it seems, still can’t believe the diagnosis grandson. Dad, for many years resident in Spain, reassured that “children with the peculiarities of living in Europe is quietly, rehabilitate as possible”. Friends are sympathetic and without pity, but there were also those who gave unsolicited advice of the type “to the grandmother it was necessary to take”.

Grandmother with grandson

– I think it was a day when I woke up and realized that all I took the child as he is, – thoughtfully said Olga. – When all done all my crying, Tommy was already two years.

I looked at him not as a child who needs 150 surveys and whose handle does not move, but simply as a child who smiled at you and you for him.

Dmitry always lived by the principle “there is a problem – well, we can do this” and eventually also resigned: “We always called Tommy was special, and one day the daughter asked, “what about me? I’m not special?” And probably here I realized that every person is unusual, special. Tommy is also a normal child, just with restrictions, which we consider in our lives. That’s all.”

I thought I would never see the son

Crossing the line-making, Olga realized a need to do something else. Remembering his childhood fascination with drawing the redraw of animals and plants from the encyclopedia, Olga enrolled in an online course to sketching, and unexpectedly for herself she got.

– You think, okay, okay. Then I went on a course in watercolor. I caught myself thinking that, damn, I redraw again! Autumn and Amy were supposed to draw something bright. And I took up face painting and drew a character from her favorite movie, “Corpse bride” by Tim Burton. And I liked it so much. Got on YouTube to watch different videos. And incurred-but-eh.

Thus began the career of Olga as makapela: she asked her husband to put the kids to bed, and she went to the kitchen. Painted, photographed and posted to the network. Then admirers persuaded to participate in the competition NYX FACE AWARDS 2017. So, she made the top 15 best make-up-vlogery Russia.

She even loves experimenting with looks. And three years ago, first made the tattoo on his right arm above the wrist appeared a flower and the words “Tommy the hero”.

– I very consciously came to it. There was a time when I and Tommy said goodbye. He endured a long illness – SARS, pneumonia, was very thin, was pulmonary failure, and at that moment I lay with a temperature under 40. Tommy and Dima went to the er, and I thought I would never see the son. And then decided that I needed a tattoo with my child. Chose a flower and the inscription. Because he is my hero, a boy who overcomes and keeps all like the same flower, sweet pea is one of the most resistant plants, which also played a major role in the development of genetics. The choice was symbolic.

Olga with the son

He will go through the power, but would then do somewhere to go

Under the New 2017 Olga decided to study to become a nurse, so she could deal with Tommy. It turned out to be profitable and Finance (course in physical therapy, on average, 25 000, three-day training BDA – 1000 euros), and efficiency, so as to rehabilitate it is necessary constantly, otherwise the skills will not be saved.

By that time she already became an active member of the Facebook group on rehabilitation of children, where specialists helped parents to choose the right method. Nechayev stopped at Feldenkrais therapy, and just opened a two-year training program in St. Petersburg, and there entered Olga.

– There are different tasks, and it is clear that I will not be able to give Tommy everything. With speech therapy and conductive education will deal with the specialists separately, but later. For the year of our class, Tommy learned to drink, he changed the attitude to the way he lives. I used to be able to put it on the bed, and he was just lying, he doesn’t want something. Now he is aware of himself as a man who has much he wants. He started flipping through the pictures in the books can show someone, for example, Bunny – says Olga, and it is clear that she is happy.

As a young specialist Olga works with several children, while in the framework of free practice. Admits, “the imposter syndrome still blooms, but classes bring incredible fun.” This year she went to retraining to a specialist in adaptive physical culture.

Now I’m more interested in my professional development as someone who can help first and foremost your child. But if I can combine work with child with full assistance Tomic, of course, will do.

In the discussion on rehabilitation – hard or soft – Nechayev clearly subscribe to the second method. They do not hide: rehabilitation through strength seems to them wild and screams from pain abnormal.

– I believe that it is impossible to rehabilitate the child, spit on his feelings, his identity, the firm says Olga. – It can affect his relationship with the world. For example, he will go through strength, but if he wants then all somewhere to go? For me it is important that Tommy had a normal childhood, toys, happy and laughing – he’s a kid. Many for results are ready for everything, but at what cost? It is difficult to understand if one did not accept their child as he is. But he’s still a child, which should be cherished and protected, though, and have to deal with the attendant problems.

Generally not a good life we have all these methods choose. And we all have different situations. I live in Moscow, where you can find a specialist. In the regions just trouble. In humans there is often no time to see that they injure the child, because you need to earn money to survive.

Olga worries that the justification of violence in the culture, such as movies, can exacerbate the attitude of society towards people with disabilities: “the Healthy can say that persons with disabilities lack of trying to be normal.”

I’m trying to talk about methods that meet my moral standards, and to share the success of Tommy.

The Council fathers who have sick children: only to continue to love

Dmitry, according to Olga, was revealed in the fatherhood; he and his son love to sing along: lie down, Mr hums and Tommy, as far as possible, trying to hit the notes. A great hobby Dmitry – cooking – now have new fans. Each dish is prepares with children. Says the happiest moments for him now – when returning home or to the cottage, and he meets Olga, and children, and Amy yells: “daddy, Daddy!”

– I don’t have some of the Council fathers who have sick children. Perhaps to advise to love is somehow wrong, but the only thing that keeps people together. People break up, when respect and care. So… continue to love, try to hear the person then it will be easier to understand what he cares about and how they can help. Prescription no, it’s not cooking, you just have to live and all.

Amy used to get angry at his younger brother, now she still keeps a mask of dislike for him, but secretly from the parents can kiss Tommy, first realizes that he is awake, and runs to turn on the cartoons.

– She cares about him and I always support her in this, – says Olga. And Tommy just loves it, loves all of us. When she approaches him, he blossoms. Pulls his hands, wants to hug her, Pat, but can’t handle don’t always listen, and it turns out that enough, Amy, it’s not like.

Before Amy asked dad to mom: “Why doesn’t he walks and talks?” Then Olga and Dmitry answered: “Now not yet. Well, here he is.” Still, Amy herself came to believe that his brother is ill.

Once in the country Nechayev bathed in the river and new friends Amy presented brother: “It’s Tommy, he’s four years old, though, he hurts, but he’ll go.”

Olga even glad that Amy also has extensive experience with children with special needs, so the lack of human, for example, limb or sight she perceives as the norm.

I dressed Tommy in rehab, Amy pulling out her boots. And next to us on my mom’s hands sat a child. Amy took the local toy – Bunny and gave it to him. And he took it. And his mom looks surprised and says, “He did the first time did.” And for Amy it was a natural movement.

Now we can’t go on vacation, but I have a sense at all

History of Olga it would be possible to make a movie: childfree, the lack of any desire to have children, change, motherhood, child feature and a practicing physiotherapist. No pre-planned schemes – just life, unpredictable and thus interesting.

– I laugh when they say that people don’t change. If they want, they can change. Those who knew me for a long time, also do not believe that it happens, and say, “You were so intransigent. And now – what is it?” But it happened, and I’m glad.

And about Tommy… I don’t think it’s a gift or a punishment. Well, it just is.

Amy is such, he is. And it is good that we have successfully overcome the psychological pens on the theme of disability of the child. And it is good that Dima with us, thank him for it. He is a wonderful father and husband, maybe it’s better not to find. His home is now sharpened for my session. I hope that he’s done and he feels better. Feel his passion for cooking is what brings him true pleasure. And I dream that someday Dima began to move in this direction, and maybe would have opened a bakery.

I am a happy person. I have two kids, a husband, two cats, dog, and friends. And I’m very happy, finally I have a path, know where you are going and what can help their own and other children. Before we had Amy and Tommy, we were adrift. Yes, I worked, I could buy well, very expensive boots and that all the joy of life came to an end. Now we can’t go on vacation, but I have a sense of all that I do. Awesome, in General!

Text: Nadezhda Prokhorova

Photos from the family archive Nechaev

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