What if parents do not understand and cannot communicate normally? – “Pravmir” publishes answers to questions of young people about relationships with their parents. Meets Metropolitan of Limassol Athanasius.
Photo: Michelle / Flickr
- When and what to say to a child?
- Our parents: how to improve relationships with them?
- What do parents want from children, and children’s parents’?
- How parents teach children to be afraid of
- “Parents are offended that we drop their credibility”
Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee (ex. 20:12).
Like all other commandments, it was given by God not just for building relationships between kids and parents here on earth. The fulfillment of every commandment affects a person’s entire life. And the goal here is to show a direct connection with eternal life, the Kingdom of God.
In fact, keeping the commandments is a kind of conduit of divine grace, saturating our soul with oxygen. As one of the Holy fathers, neither Adam, nor the devil had not renounced God. Their fall was not so. They did not say that there is no God, have not renounced Him.
They had transgressed His commandment.
That’s why keeping the commandments of God leads to a direct communication with God and the salvation of souls.
Parents do not understand us, but we understand them we
Answer to the first question:
“What if parents don’t understand me and cannot normally communicate?”
This question is relevant as in the relationship of fathers and children and between spouses, and generally in society.
At first glance, the person asking this question of course, is the aggrieved party: that is, it does not understand and it is very frustrating, he suffers and suffers.
I may be wrong, but it seems to me that if it is difficult for us with someone to communicate, it is in ourselves. All of our claims and the desire by all means to be understood, – not exactly a healthy thing.
I think when people live in peace and harmony with himself when he acquired peace of soul, according to the Holy fathers, through communion and communication with God – the whole sensory system, the brain and mind begin to work differently and people take other people for who they are, not expecting from them what they cannot (and sometimes should not) to give him.
Because even the most beautiful people can’t give us everything. They are human beings. And human capabilities are limited. No matter how he tried, he was not given to foresee all know he has no supernatural powers. He is not able to guess our mood and needs to behave accordingly.
So when we think that parents don’t understand us, you need to think, first, about whether we understand them.
First try yourself to understand them, put yourself in their place, start thinking them thoughts, taking into account the age, mentality, mental form and relationship to you. It’s your parents, you derive from them, and they can’t get you out of my life to leave you.
And no matter what they did to you they will never forget.
If the universities were even such discipline – forgetting their own children, and then no mother would be able to do it. The exception here may be only mental illness, but in a normal situation this is impossible, because to deny their child means to deny themselves.
Want to be closer, and don’t know how
And the children forget about parents. You come home late at night – except in this moment you think of mothers? And she thinks about you constantly, until you get back and can’t sleep. You can tell her that you don’t need to wait, let her sleep – she still can not differently, as you will not be able to stop being themselves.
So a fifty percent success on the path to understanding with parents depends on how you understand them by putting yourself in their place.
If you give people the opportunity to use what belongs to him, then you most likely will give what you want.
You young, it is easier to do, easier to be closer to parents to help them to open up. You all is easier, despite the fact that parents love you very much and, sometimes, they themselves try to meet. Just they are no longer young, they have their own established ideas and concepts, and selfishness have accumulated more – because of their age. Maybe they want to get closer to your child, but they can’t or doing it wrong.
As happens with female bear with a cub. He was just born small, weak, and so she grabs him, squeezes from big love, do you know what kind of bears are the muscles, they are cutting trees… And that’s enough for this tiny bear, weak bear starts to lick it, squeeze and presses.
I have met such parents who would like to become closer to their children, but do not know how to do it. Humbly accept your child as he is, they have not, and they “converge” with him through the constant remarks, swearing and humiliation.
That is, often parents behave toward children precisely because I want to become closer to them, but in the end it all comes down to ridicule and irony. On the one hand, they enter with the child in a dialogue, and with another – immediately begin to sneer because you don’t know other ways to find him approach. And the child, with his characteristic selfishness, he immediately drops the connection. After laughing at him, it is not valued, suppress, don’t trust him… That and spoiling the relationship.
But they need only a manifestation of love
You, young and educated, by its very nature is softer, more flexible and humble than your parents. Think about it: what, in essence, they want? The smallness. They need a manifestation of your love. Mother, father, no matter how old they may be and whatever adults neither were we, their children, do not cease to be our parents. And we do not cease to be their children.
And although they are not young, they want to be we children behaved with them as a child, when, running up to them, stroked them, kissed and laughed together. Try now to do so in relation to the parents and see how things change. No mother, no father can resist the love and affection. It is simply impossible.
When we set ourselves a target to communicate with a particular person, move the “I”, his ego on the back burner and make the first step. And this is no hypocrisy.
I am often asked in such cases: “father, but isn’t it hypocritical to do something that’s not coming from the heart?” No, it’s not hypocrisy. And here’s how you’re acting now, is a manifestation of selfishness, and selfishness is known as the father of hypocrisy. Because if there is no strength to deny your self, that communicating with another person, you will show their selfish, vain traits, one of which is the hypocrisy.
What did Christ do? He became Man for us. He belittled Himself, in the words of the Apostle Paul, taking our body. He became like us, to meet us.
It seems that Epiphanius said that the Lord did from His divine nature, as a fisherman, nasazhivayas a worm on a hook. We take a worm and stick the hook to the fish grabbed it and got caught. So Christ hid “on the hook” with our divine nature by becoming a Man and becoming like us in all things. Hid, to attract, to catch, to catch us. As wrote the Apostle Paul to his disciples: “For I seek not yours, but you” (2 Cor. 12:14).
Answers to other questions, read in our next releases
Translation Yelizaveta Terentyeva for the portal “Orthodoxy and the world”