What do the priest in confession if a woman says she beat her husband if the child complains that he was beaten by parents – says the priest Dmitry Ageev, cleric of the Church “Joy of All who sorrow” of Moscow.
- Every fifth Russian justifies domestic violence – VTSIOM
- Letter to ex mother: “I knew it was time to leave, otherwise there will be terrible”
- Like humility, patience, and obedience became the Orthodox dictionary of the victim
- Domestic violence usually starts with small things: raised her voice, swung, pushed
In a situation of violence, I always side with women
Unfortunately, to me, as the priest in the last turn coming in to complain that her husband beats and violence in the family. Even more rarely can such complaints to hear from kids. Children of such almost never say. Women don’t complain just because confession is a conversation about sin, not about their own problems. But if in the conversation it comes to domestic violence I unconditionally side with women.
The first thing in this situation, you need to do is to pity and to calm down. It is in this more than all the needs of the people, crushed by violence. He doesn’t know where is the exit, afraid to share the grief with outsiders, do not always understand whom to trust.
Secondly, you need to help break the cycle of traumatic relationships and to protect the victim. Often people can’t do it myself. Talk about the need to oppose and fight strongly to get out of the relationship bullshit. It sounds like advice to non-smokers heavy smokers on how to quit Smoking. Can be advice great and good, the trouble is that the non-smoker is not even close to what he’s talking about.
Often the victims of abuzerov neither the psychological nor the physical resources to defend themselves, they are in a desperate situation. What protection can be a child who is being abused? No. And from a woman who is financially dependent on her husband, does not have its own housing and employment, but has young children and the battered spouse, how can there be protection? This woman not only afraid, she was completely disoriented, lost, crushed.
The priest at this moment should offer its assistance, to enter the pain of another person. Talk openly, calmly and without accusations. To say about what he thinks. To hear the pain of others. I, as a priest, ready to help to stop such a relationship, including to ask for help to the police to look for other methods. In any case, the priest is obliged to offer assistance.
Whether for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven to endure beatings
To say, as many do, that the Church calls us to endure, not quite right. The Church urges to save, teaches believers of the Christian understanding of marriage. But understand, when one spouse beats the other, when expose to physical and psychological violence, who seeks to protect, there is nothing in these respects, no Christian.
Yes, sometimes raise my hand, because the rapist has not formed the concept of a normal relationship. He doesn’t know how they work. Doesn’t know how to respond to a particular problem. Because of their weakness, unpreparedness, of the apparent hopelessness of the situation, he puts his fist. But it’s horrible and does not justify, but only explains the actions of the rapist.
– I remember one of the stories paisija Athos of a loyal wife, whose husband beat and humiliated, and she was treated with patience and kindness, until he died. Many believing women are guided in life by such examples.
– Alas, I don’t know the history of the elder Paisii, but you have to understand that we all have different “pain threshold”, and a different upbringing. And it depends on how long we are willing to tolerate. Believe me, we suffer, we are all very different. One, for example, will hear his address from a loved one, the word “fool” and it will be the end of a relationship. And others nothing breaks. They are able to tolerate years of infidelity and battery. No, not from motives of interest, but because that’s how they know how to forgive and cover your love. We all have different life develops. Not all require the same thing.
Therefore great responsibility lies on the husband towards his wife. If you love, then you know that her strength and abilities, aware that it can break and what it will withstand. If someone is suffering, I can’t make moral evaluations of it.
– Yes, but believers are ready to endure for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven in order to be justified in another life.
– For the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven to endure beatings? It turns out that we God a sadist and a monster present, who bestows the Kingdom of heaven for the bruises and wounds?
God has called us to be happier people. He gives us every opportunity to we were joyful and happy, did their loved ones happy. If for some reason does not work, you need to release themselves and others from addiction, to give him an opportunity to find other, healthy relationships and to use this chance.
I know hundreds of cases where people were unhappy in the first marriage and happy second. It is not a panacea. I’m not calling for divorce. But I do not think that for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven to endure the violence and brutality of her husband, though, because you thereby pushing the spouse to the eternal torments.
Rapist the Kingdom of God is not exactly shining. Marriage this patience is not sealed. The destruction of human and Christian marriage is unhealthy relationship. If the marriage was de facto, it is foolish to hold on to it de jure. This is a distorted understanding of marriage. Christian marriage is the love of two people. If there is no love, no marriage.
No fault of the victim – no
– Many believe that in a situation of violence (moral and physical) often blame the victim who is looking for such unhealthy relations. The reason could be her upbringing, for example, she watched dad beat mom because violence for adult women – is a form of love.
– I do not agree with this. I believe that the victim is always the victim. None of us wants to be deceived, humiliated, beaten and broken. The rapist, as a rule, is always stronger than the victim, it inhibits. At some point the man breaks down the understanding of right relationship (it is possible that they were never there: do not have time to emerge, was malformed). The rapist of their Dolman, insisted on their wrong understanding. In my opinion, only after such a change occurs, the victim syndrome. The thesis “the victim looking for a painful relationship itself” – a consequence, not a cause. This happens after the relationship has been perverted. Initially, no fault of a victim.
We infinitely trust loved ones. Well, who do we trust more than husband or wife? Anyone. In this case, what is violence? This is a situation when someone you love abuses your trust. And then what is your fault? That your trust was abused or that, when you marry someone you become closer than mother and father, you knew him as a torturer, a manipulator, a sadist?
Or wine is that, being locked up in the basement, where you are raped, you did not find the strength and inner resources to get outside? Well, not nonsense? No one wants a misery from loved ones. On the contrary, we enter into a relationship, implicitly trusting each other.
Always blame the strong and the adult in relation to the weak and younger, to blame man in relation to woman, employer to the worker, the priest-megastores to the parishioner.
You know, many believers are looking for strong priests, they like when they are on the forehead, punched, scolded, yelled at. Such despotic masochism. But the man who came to the temple, read the gospel, is this what you were looking for? Or maybe someone (who is set to learn) distorted his perception of the Church, about Christianity, about the relationship of the parishioners with the priest? Perverted and here’s the result, a person seeks such a relationship. I would compare it to alcoholism and drug addiction. First, given one dose to try, and then he’s looking for her.
Let the people once again afraid to hurt someone who is weaker
– Everyone gives advice, experience, but the experience is different. It may be worth it to the priests to get some additional psychological education, so as not to distort relationships, not to encourage violence in families?
– You know, we have a million doctors and psychiatrists, who themselves need help. Priests now receive the necessary skills, but do come often from personal experience. And my words are personal, not viitaniemi from textbooks recommendations. Don’t know what to answer to your questions will tell others. I know one thing that the priest needs to feel the pain of another, to be reactive, to respond, to understand, to comfort, to accept and, without imposing solutions, to show how it is different.
Thank God, in our country it is possible to find a priest who is closer to your spirit. We have the ability to choose.
No power of priest over parishioner there. All we can do is give advice, bring ideas, to show prospects, but the decision must be taken always the man himself. And if the priest sees that the person exposed to serious danger, he needs to respond, to intervene, to act. If you know that children are at risk, then there is nothing wrong to involve child services. “Oh, cry some, child services will come and seize the children”.
The Lord is so very good, if people are afraid of life care. Terrible if they are not afraid to hit children. In that much more danger. Let them tremble at the word “custody”, though I’m afraid to put a hand on the child, let the fear once again hurt someone who is weaker.
Interviewed By Daria Rowena
Photo from archive of a priest Dmitry Ageev