“Mom talked to me. Smoke? Smoke. Throw? Cast. Well, of course, not really quit. But it wasn’t the attention, she was always busy doing other things. Thesis, for example. The first word I was a child, wrote: “the thesis”. My joy was that she screams. Or dad calls. Then we do everything together. I have still biggest dream is to take my mom to the knees, to the head stroked”. Irina is now 25, and if she had a time machine, she would have lived my teenage years quite differently.
Photo: David Gillanders
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***
My grandma teaches at the Institute, laureate of the prize of the mayor of Moscow, the Pope lecturer in the College of arts. My whole family is teachers. We used to live in the Siberian city, where I was born, and then moved to the capital. Mom and dad were never married, grandma was against intelligent enough dad.
Even when mom got pregnant with me, they never got married. But in Moscow came together, lived in a communal apartment. Mom studied, worked, wanted man the money brought into the house, stability, and my dad was a young composer. As a woman, it has confused the instability.
I was overfed with care. Took me to classical concerts without stopping, drove across Russia, were taken at sea, maximize full life. Bad started in 6-7 years, it’s just the 90, the money is not much, dad’s job change infinite life in a communal mom tired. She found a strong man 20 years older. I remember dad threw a glass into the wall.
We moved to the stepfather, and it became a turning point. I was 11 years old. Stepfather I did not take, he asked me to call him dad, I didn’t want. “I have dad!” I was transferred to another school, and instead of the usual apartments, even communal, we lived in the school my stepdad, he was the Director.
I had a constant feeling of shame. Everyone has a house, and I even address your can’t call. Everyone has a dad, and I don’t. All friends in another district.
Still present an eerie feeling of jealousy that my mom’s students are always more important than me. I’ve never been superbonuses, even in the garden was more of a Tomboy. My mother worked in the same school where I studied. But my lessons ended, I wanted to hang out with my mom, and after lunch were students. I was restless. Shame, loneliness and wonder who I am.
***
And then as usual. The new school need friends to find, but how to make friends, I didn’t know. I lagged behind the class in school, they all had their own company, and I was in a team of otherwise. My whole story of inadequacy started with this. Let’s have a smoke behind the garages grandfathering “Accept” and buy a drink in the tent.
The first time I bought one alcoholic cocktail of three girls, was swinging on the swings and drank. I was not yet 12. And then it became a tradition. We started to pull the alcohol out of the house. His stepfather was a large bar, noticed only after a year. Now I understand that we washed down with a sense of profound loneliness. Once we’re drunk lost in the woods. Many exciting and dangerous adventure begins. Come home – cursing at you, but pay attention. It is also important.
Mom was talking to me. Smoke? Smoke. Throw? Cast. Well, of course, not really quit. But it wasn’t the attention, she was always busy doing other things. Thesis, for example. The first word I was a child, wrote: “the thesis”. My joy was that she screams. Or dad calls. Then we do everything together. I have still biggest dream is to take my mom to the knees, to the head stroked.
All came home late, I after a walk with the alcohol arrived early and immediately went to bed. The lessons I have still not tested. The time of the evening chatting and checking, and all is well with the baby, my family was not. Most of all I was blamed for the mess in the room. And we drank actively, 0,7 of vodka for three already.
Photo: David Gillanders
Railroad tracks, near the garages, where we sat on a log. Then there were the drugs. First, someone brought weed. Then I met with the students. We gathered on Pushkin and the Theatre evenings I have spent not with classmates and there.
Hashish is smoked pretty quickly, I began to try amphetamines. I was lucky – I was accepted for who I am. Despite my 13 years.
I’ve decided that I’ll try in a bit, but using drugs will not. And mushrooms too, after them I was really bad, I had no control over my body. Plus it was an eerie feeling of fear. Cat magazine was out. Hallucinations. The fear that came out of yourself and never come back.
***
After the 7th grade as such was not in my life. After another drinking vodka we were summoned to the school. And me due to the fact that parents were not together, determined to make him a psychologist. She greatly trusted. And here we stand on the rug in front of the teacher, Director, psychologist. And this man suddenly begins to cavotti me using everything I told her against me. After that, I took offense and scored on all. However, when I left the school, I told myself that I will grow, you will achieve in life will come and all will show.
Mum knew about the drugs almost immediately. Daughter comes home acting weird, a breath in the conversation is not involved, nervous, very hungry. She printed the article about the drugs and put me on the bed. And then he was taken to a rehabilitation center for a tour, I realized that I put in there. I kind of agreed, we went back home for my things, I’m under the guise that down to the car, handed the bags to my girlfriends. And in the evening we went with the girl to Peter on the trains.
We met a boy at the bus stop, he drank vodka and water to drink, by the way, he studied at the Conservatory. At his home, we dyed her hair. Then he gave us the keys to his dacha near St. Petersburg and said that the blue house. We reached the village, there are three blue houses. It was early spring. To us, the aunt came up and asked that we hang out here.
Then she helped us find the house: in the well of dead rat, there is no electricity, we had fires in the fireplace. My aunt was treated to moonshine, we bought pasta for 13 rubles, ever their taste will not forget. The watchman from the neighbouring cottages the fish we brought. And none of these adults did not ask a single question and took the hand to the police station.
Parents have been calling, my mother was pregnant at the time. I didn’t answer. They announced me on the Federal wanted list. After a month we kind of have a death wish. I called my dad. He found a friend, who took us, and I returned to Moscow to her stepfather, who was I not glad to see. Mother lying on the conservation.
Hands in pockets, hoods, again easy slouch: even now shoot a video for the song of group “Cinema” or any rap song. In the eighties and nineties they would go to the garages – place of power then teenagers. Now the garages in the middle of the street no – povyvelis.
Yes, and Smoking is the main occupation of teenagers in garages – have no one. Not only that, near the school and on the yards to find the smokers so also “vkontaktnoy” profiles the polls say: the attitude towards Smoking is negative. Or even sharply negative.
Learned the severity
Denis and Kate is dedicated to
***
The stepfather wouldn’t let me on the threshold. As a loving caring husband, he started in the doorway to scold me, I’m all nerves mother vytrepali. After a short altercation and threats, I forced to stomach a knife and said, “Don’t come near me! I’m going to bed, school tomorrow, you won’t see me here”. It worked, he hasn’t hurt me again.
At school I in the test lists not found. The Director ordered me a certificate. He said he would do it if I am going to school. I spent most of the week preparing for the exams, but his promise is not fulfilled, we took the documents and the first time I 9th class did not done.
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Just then brother was born. All decided to move to her grandmother. Without me. In fact, the family said to me: “You do not want us here, you’re a danger to our lives.” My dad took me to him, I was 15 years old. And it was summer when I was always with drugs, always in a state of altered consciousness.
In pharmacies, we also bought drugs. There are those that are sold without a prescription, and after them an unpleasant state of loss of time. You think you’ve done something quickly, and it’s been an hour and a half. I remember calling my parents that going home, the village at the bus stop and stuck. Tack looked at the clock of my memory gone two hours.
At 13 years old the first time I had sex. I can’t count the number of men I’ve ever had. The worst case was in my life when I needed a place to sleep and home I wanted.
I met in the subway with the guy who bought me a beer and invited me to go to another. A friend was an adult non-Russian man. It was a violent action, even though I went to bed actually. In the morning, in walked his wife with children.
I ran out of there like crazy. I was embarrassed, I’m so blaming yourself.
Not all of our company survived. One boy got wasted and choked on his own vomit on the list. Me there, thank God, that day was not. One fell out of the window, just drunk. Someone put in prison.
I enrolled in night school again in 9th class. It turned out that there is quite good, I enjoyed it, and hope that this time I’m average to graduate. I knew very well that they were going downhill. Friends of good company left me, saying that they are tired of late-night phone calls and they don’t want to get me out of this mess.
***
Night school I started to skip real friends I have left. I realized that I need to change something. And she went to the rehabilitation center, taking the passport, t-shirt and shorts. There just was not to be, so I had through the police and the 21-th hospital, where they bring all homeless children and distribute from there.
I’m a good girl from a prosperous family, was in the unhappy medium and bad children. They joy did not know. It became clear to me that I like them, don’t want to. Brought a girl of 6 years with a deformed skull because she was lying in bed on one side. She couldn’t speak, looked like a wolf. The nurses told us to wash her, and she was afraid of water because her mother drowned in a bathtub.
I thought I’ve seen in my life. But these children were the view of the other, does mater. And when you have a few days of sobriety, you’d take another start looking at the world. I began to realize that it is not so cloudless, I think.
Photo: David Gillanders
The rehabilitation center was similar to the awesome camp. An atmosphere of trust, where the adults for the first time didn’t betray. Adhered to privacy was respected, treated like a child, and as a person. Me it’s all taught in the first place of honesty. Admit their mistakes immediately and the most. And we can solve the problem another way.
By the way, along with me took the program boy, heroin addict. His mother was in prison. And so she sent him out rosary fashioned out of bread. At that moment, I realized that moms are all always, maybe very deep down, love their children.
A year has passed. I met the man with whom they used drugs. And I realized that I have nothing to talk to him. In the rehabilitation center I completed 10th class, then returned to his parents on 7 months. And after I got married and my husband and I began renting the apartment to work. Tried to go to College, started missing, went back to night school, finished 11th grade, passed the exam, admitted to the Institute. I’m still left with parents, I have already started another life.
***
All the time my nightmare mom yelled from impotence, remember, kicked the bucket. I, on the one hand, it was a pity, but on the other – so don’t. I just remember that I care what happens to her. I looked at his classmates, how happy they are. One girl garbage was not allowed to throw, and her grandmother drove. I envied her. It was all oblubena. And I didn’t understand love-that I am worthy or not.
Yes, I was dragged to exhibitions indefinitely. But in my childhood I was really worth more on the knees to sit, than I now know all the works of Bach. What’s in it for me? The happiest moment of my childhood with my mother: on may 9 we drove to the supermarket, bought a cooked sausage, mayonnaise, mustard and bread. Sat in the car, ate, and then the salute went to watch. I’ll never forget it.
I terribly do not love, when mother was discussing me with her friends. All the success has always priukrashivanii, and stories, as I’m just infuriated. Show “Morning star” I hated it. I said, look, what talented kids, while you… we Have near the school was a warm pipe, which warmed themselves homeless and there’d be dead from the cold. And I was told that I would die like them, if I behave.
The teenager is difficult to talk about feelings, to distinguish between them. If you use alcohol, drugs – even harder. Not everyone can say the mother is right: I need love. Now I would advise teenagers to write letters to parents. When they say something wrong, the thought goes, to start crying. So letters are out.
My friends are alcoholics and drug addicts was more important to me. They could call at night and say, “I W…e”. And you just helped. And about the mother I knew would not help, and even tell you what I’m bad.
Maybe that’s why mom was absolutely not sorry. Now we are best friends, although some resentment against the mother still survives.
If I had a time machine, I would have changed everything. I would have went to school, studied hard, attended to music school. I have more reading. I’d be interested in the world and less like’s cycle for yourself. I would not use drugs.
I finally realized that I don’t want to use them, when we took the altitude in the rehabilitation center. All day we trudged up the hill, wet and dirty, tied with a rope. The task is to crawl for some time. Someone slipped, someone whined, one slipped, and everything went. And here you have the whole day on the mountain here and there-crawling rage that nonsense. In the end, the evening get up. And there the buckthorn is growing, ripe, orange. And here you are with dirty hands eating it, ultimate happiness. And I feel that when you worked, invested, only then can feel how life is beautiful.