We yell at children, because we don’t know what to do. The author of The New York Times, Stephen Marche explains why all the screaming is not working and what alternatives could be the parent.
Corporal punishment as means to discipline children have no respect for 50 years. But almost all parents still sometimes yell at their children, even those who know that it’s not working. Today the scream – the most common mistake a parent.
In families, where shouting at children for parents – a common occurrence in children is often detected depression and low self esteem. According to a study 2014, the Creek leads to almost the same problems in children as physical punishment: an increased level of anxiety, stress and depression along with increased behavioral problems.
How many times, yelling at the child, you said to yourself: “I did the right thing”?..
The Creek does not increase your credibility. Creek shows your children that you are not able to control myself. The Creek demonstrates your weakness.
Yes, let’s be honest: you cry because you are weak. Cry, even rather than corporal punishment, the reaction of a person who doesn’t know how to act.
But most parents, including me, don’t know how to spend at least a day, not norav on the child. There are two main issues that confront a parent: what if you don’t cry? And: how do I stop?
Don’t shout like a crazy person
Yes, we are not talking about shouting when your children ran into the roadway is a different kind of scream. We are talking here about the yelling as a form of education. The cry for education is inefficient as a tool, it just eventually becomes a habit. We yell at our children about some nonsense every day, and then cry more and more, because they cease to respond.
Put your clothes away. Come in for dinner. Don’t ride on the dog. Stop to offend brother.
“Just know that Creek is bad enough, says Alan Kazdin, Professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University. Creek is not a strategy, it is a means to let off steam.”
“If the goal of the parent – closure (I want to get the irritation out and show how angry I am with), then perhaps the cry – the ideal solution, says Dr. Kazdin. But if the goal is to change something in the child or develop a positive habit, the Creek the wrong way”. There are other strategies that do not have to yell like a crazy person.
If we don’t yell, our kids will behave better
Many people think that a positive attitude – a form of laziness, as if parents who practice a positive attitude, not to educate children. But the ability not to scream demands from parents of a special discipline.
Dr. Kazdin offers a program called RAP: pre-work, actions, and consequences. Pre-work – a way to explain to a child what you want from him before he engaged in this business. Action – when the behavior is defined and formed according to a given parent model. And the consequence involves the expression of approval gesture, when done.
So, instead of having to yell at your child every night scattered shoes, will ask him in the morning whether he will be able to remove the shoes when you get home. Make sure when you get home that they themselves put their shoes in place. And if your child will remove his shoes or even put them closer to the place where they should be, tell him he did a great job, and then give him a hug.
The RAP method – a very specific one. When you praise your child, you should violently Express their feelings, putting on a dumb face big smile and waving hands in the air. Then you have to say is very high, cheerful voice that you praise your child. And finally, you must touch the child, to give him some verbal praise.
The more stupid it looks to your mind, the better. Then the child will remember that he receives praise for correct behavior. That’s what we need.
“We want to form new habits, says Dr. Kazdin. Practice changes the brain, and in the process the behavior that you want to get rid of, including all kinds of outbursts and disruptions, will simply disappear.” In addition, “as a side effect, parent depression and stress will be reduced and family relationships will go up.”
If our children will behave better, we don’t want to yell at them. And if we don’t yell, our kids will behave better.
Praise works. Punishment – no
The beauty of the system is that you don’t just respond to bad behavior or waiting until the kids make a mess, to then be angry with them, and you have a sensible plan. But planning requires that parents discipline and it’s hard.
“We know that a person is predisposed to react to negativity, says Dr. Kazdin. – In psychology it is considered normal. We are very sensitive to anything negative around us.” We hard-coded a scream. It’s an evolutionary survival instinct, which is aimed at those we should protect. It is difficult for us to refuse to cry because when we cry, we feel that we are fulfilling their parental duty.
In 1960-e years, 94% of parents used corporal punishment. In 2010, according to the survey, only 22%. There are probably many reasons for this change, including the influence of teachers on child development. But, of course, one of the reasons should be the following: the habit to spank children evaporates as unnecessary, because there are more effective way to change their behavior, not associated with violence.
Why spank it, and if it doesn’t work? The same applies to the cry: why you cry?
Clearly not for the sake of the children.
In the end, discipline techniques should work – if you had a chance today to spend the day to get kids to do what you want and not do what you want. Praise works. Punishment – no.