Polina Osetinskaya: After forty years of to blame for the problems parents silly

Pianist Polina Osetinskaya – the Trustee of the charitable Fund “Oxygen”, which deals with care to patients with cystic fibrosis. Is there a fashion for charity, what it means to be a “good enough mother” how to grow as a musician and why before going out you have to drink Valerian – she told in interview “Pravmiru”.

Polina Osetinskaya

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Charity – how to brush your teeth in the morning

– Pauline, when you first encountered the charity movement?

– In the childhood I played charity concerts in orphanages, children’s hospitals… But my coming to the charity system is associated with motherhood – I have sharply increased the level of empathy, I became much sharper to react to the fact that children or their parents is bad.

At some point stumbled on the collection for one woman. Twenty years ago, she gave birth to a girl with cystic fibrosis, and she lived only a year. Then she gave birth to another daughter with the same diagnosis, the girl lived to 12 years and died. Her husband left her, unable to cope with everything. A new marriage, the birth of a child with down syndrome, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My husband also goes…

When I read this story, I just had a newborn baby and it shocked me. I then for the first time deeply involved in the collection, and in despair wrote and phoned friends and complete strangers, made the announcement in social networks. The collection we closed just two or three days, and it was an indescribable feeling that even when you managed to somehow help another person.

With the development of social networks has opened a new history, it is largely thanks to them, charity has evolved from a narrow-minded movement of large-scale and deliberate phenomenon for hundreds of thousands of people.

Our eyes have evolved, for example, the story of the children’s hospice “House of a lighthouse”. Five years ago, Lida Moniava collected funds for one child, then another, and today in Moscow built children’s hospice that were changed in legislation some points regarding palliative care. That is, there is a process from private help to the systemic changes at the state level.

So I came to the Fund “Oxygen”, met with Maya Soninoy, Director of the Foundation. Invited her over, and in the process of communication we agreed that I would become a Trustee of the Fund.

– What is your work as Trustee?

– From time to time, I organize concerts and auctions in favor of the Fund, constantly telling about him, looking for donors, I’d love to find people willing to help on a regular basis.

When you close one question with a one-time large donations (and immensely valuable), you start to worry and think what to do next.

Last year one friend a wonderful businessman helped us to close the gap with the work of the accountant of the Fund for a year – it was a big help. And the other contributor immediately bought us drugs and a half million rubles.

But, again, to quietly write the budget of the Fund, you need to somehow anticipate revenues from donors, and therefore are important people who donate regularly, even small amounts.

Administrative costs exist for each Fund and must cover. How would the professionals loved charity and no matter how eager to save the world without receiving anything difficult job, many of them quickly fade and no longer able to be of any use.

In this sense, for me it is indicative of the experience of one of the funds: at some point the Director went off and hired for a large sum of money Director of fundraising, and this person translated the work to another level: the Fund began to collect significantly more money to help their wards.

– A few years ago talking about the fashion for charity, who is positive, who is negative. And as of now, in your opinion? There is a fashion or it is beginning to subside?

– I would say that more and more people realize that charity is a necessary and daily thing, like brushing your teeth in the morning. Charity should be a system when you make five monthly donations to the funds of the trust that have transparent financial statements.

Polina Osetinskaya

But subsides are not “fashion”, and the money in charity. The recession began in 2009 during the global financial crisis, then add the Crimea, the sanctions and the situation has seriously deteriorated. In 2014, the income of our Fund fell by about a third, and this is a sad performance.

That is why I want to seek more help from the state, and I believe that all funds, all the sick people have that right. Just, unfortunately, the system sometimes need to break their heads…

With my kids I do the opposite

– Your children included in the charity know about your activities?

– I have three children – eldest daughter, 15 years, average 10 and youngest son is 6 years old. We will now speak in the creative Studio Academy, where middle daughter regularly participates in charity fairs for the “House with the lighthouse.” By the way, the eldest daughter on her birthday asked not to give her gifts, and transfer money to the same organization.

– What would you like to convey to your own children?

– I wanted them in the first place, grew up happy. A happy person brings much more benefit to society than unhappy.

Recently there was a tragedy in Kerch. From what I’ve read about the life shot of all young man, we can assume that he probably did not get the dose of love that could save him… Because if you instilled love, you, I think some things for sure in life to do is not going. Real, effective, unconditional parental love gives the child the feeling that he is expensive, its appearance was waiting, always accept, with all its difficulties, troubles and challenges and to be on his side, always ready to help. I think this is a very important basic feelings of every human being.

Are you able to demonstrate that it is an unconditional acceptance of their children?

– Manages. Because I remember a sad experience with my parents, which I not always received, so to speak, approval and unconditional love, and so Yes, with my kids I try to do the opposite.

– On the one hand, representatives of the generation who are about forty years old, indeed, passed through the deprivation, with other strange adults to blame anyone…

– It is clear that after forty to blame their life problems of the parents are pretty stupid. We are already in that age when able or through therapy, or through a deep process of self-awareness to come to what is possible under a certain age to blame parents, but that your personal life won’t change.

And since history tends to repeat itself and we act on the basis of those factors that we have laid in childhood, the biggest parent challenge – these factors change. To overcome that my child had not heard from me, for example, such phrases – “nobody will love if you are (not) do so-and-so”, “you have fat legs, so you don’t have to get dressed” “Oh how you have disappointed me, always with you”. These and similar phrases in the child’s soul leave a terrible trail.

Because its parent primary task I see the creation of healthy relationship between parent and child based on unconditional love, unconditional acceptance and unconditional support. Any person in an atmosphere of love and support will be much better, faster to develop, to make progress, he will be inspired and encouraged.

A different effect, if a person every day to say that he’s a hack, no it will not love and no marriage will not take, and the legs curve, and the hostess is so-so and the soup cooked bad… Many people hear this from their parents up to 50 years, and how it pisses me off – not to transfer!

– Generation of modern parents, seeking to be understanding and accepting, nervous, as if not to yell at the child, and if that happens, hard to survive death itself…

– Do not consider it a strong tragedy if I sometimes yell at the children, but without humiliation and insults. Just a splash of emotions because of the temperament. And my children sometimes yell at each other. Another thing is that we never go to bed angry at each other, apologizing to each other. We ask forgiveness, if guilty. We say our feelings because it is very important.

For example, the son says to me, “Mom, you hurt me when you said so-and-so.” I can also say: “Son, I was very upset and hurt when you did or said that.” That is, talking about your feelings, not broadcast: “You are bad, we are not friends”.

I no longer feel guilty because I’m not a perfect mother, a comfort to me were the words of Winnicott that it is possible to be a “good enough mother”.

When I learned not to beat myself up about everything, I feel a lot better, there are more resources.

Another thing is that I do not know a more energy-consuming profession than motherhood. So the mother should always be a resource and if it feels that no matter how the plane, you must first put the mask on yourself.

It is important to sleep well, pamper yourself from time to time. In any case it is impossible to deny yourself all in the name of children.

The child must see beautiful, happy, happy, happy mother because if the mother is in front of him to walk with a pained expression on his face, he will inevitably begin to take it personally and think that he’s annoying.

The mother should have its own interesting life, your interests, trips to the cinema, theatre, books, friends. Kids grow up and leave, and what will the mother, who herself dedicated only to children?

I understand that there is a great deal to me and joyful to be with their children. But after 20 years in my house they will not. They may be their families, their children.

So give the kids everything you can, while leaving yourself some part of yourself.

Is it possible to carefully grow a musician

– Your father wanted you to become a good pianist. And here you are. Do you see the merit of the father?

– Soberly analyzing, I can say that I’ve received from my father, but more precisely on the genetic level, some quenching, internal hardness. Well, the start. As a musician I did thanks to other people who appeared in my life later.

But still, after leaving home at the age of 13, you are back to music.

– I went on the rut, how many would go in my place. Because I, at least, knew and regarding know how, know what I have to deal with. Although I had a very long time to re-learn almost ten years – and these years were very difficult.

– My friend, music school teacher, experienced teacher with experience, once said that modern children are very difficult to grow strong musicians as before. Because now parents understand not loading. Do you agree?

– “As before” can be found if you go into the special music school, where they grow winners. There you will see a huge number of traumatised children whose parents have already for 12 years so squeezed that they just can’t play.

– But making music, like any creative work, requires effort. How to find the line – no pressure, but you can teach discipline?

– To discipline the child partially and teaches regular school. A child on their own would not go to school every day, would not get up at 7 am, he would have chosen to sleep until ten, then have Breakfast and play with my Legos. But we teach him that life is a discipline, a constant overcoming.

Well, if the child I wonder where he learns to overcome himself. Interest is a huge incentive to develop self-discipline. When the child is interested and he does, he begins to aspire to.

But the house essential support in the development of self-discipline. Because, as I said, the profession of the mother is the most energy consuming. We have to invent a huge amount of money of motivation, rewards and so on, to interest the child.

Of course, if you don’t want to use violence, do not take up the belt. Surprisingly, neither the wild, some still do, now, in the XXI century. Do not hesitate to admit that they use physical punishment.

– In your book “goodbye sadness” describes the moment when the father beat you in front of his friends, and they did not respond, did not join. And generally on family violence we have seen as it happens. Why do you think so?

– I think it’s horrific family templates. Family violence was considered the norm, children were flogged and peasants, and nobles. And this slave mentality: to hurt someone who is weaker, still people will come.

The farther, the more become a sociopath, because often, I sometimes go out to the store and see how people talk to their children, just want to take a grenade launcher.

When I see a mother screaming at her small child, calling him various words, or a father kicks ass in a two-year period, I begin to tear the roof. So before going out I drink Valerian.

– Do you have children play music?

– Of course! Daughter learns to play the harp. She wanted to play the harp since the age of six, but some time was engaged on the piano. When she was eight, I gave in and now look at her with admiration and adoration, because I don’t understand how can you play the harp!

But if she says that does not want to do today, tired?

– We have an agreement. She’s not going to become a musician and plays for his pleasure. I’m trying to explain to her that if you want to play for fun, it is necessary that someone else was enjoying your game, and still sometimes do.

Now, when we arrived to the house of the harp, and the daughter began to practice every day, she sees progress. She sees that she began to receive those things that did not work when she was only in class with the teacher. This is a great incentive for the child when he sees that starting to happen.

Son is still small, yet he gave the ukulele, walks the teacher.

If the public does not want to work, then I play fast and go

– For whom you play, who is your audience? Do you perform the music of modern composers?

Only in our time, a situation when all prefer to play something that was written 200 years ago. But the contemporary music is always interesting.

I choose those composers that I love, that I like and that can please the public, if I’m well enough to open them. In our time living absolute geniuses that are recognized as classics of the XX-XXI century, they will play as well as Bach, Schumann, Chopin.

– For example?

– Arvo pärt, Valentin Silvestrov, Leonid Desyatnikov… I called three composers whose works have become the heritage of world musical culture. But there are many interesting composers…

Even these great composers familiar narrow compared to the scale of the country, a circle of listeners. On television, their works almost will not hear…

– A time for culture, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about it. In 80-e years on TV you could see concerts, Richter, Horowitz… Now the TV will only see half-naked girls, screaming something pointless with the rhythm in two prihlopa – two kick. I my daughter asked: “Sasha, tell me, please, would you be ashamed if your mother was making money that way, jumping half naked in the TV screen and received a state award”. The daughter replied that he could not imagine such a terrible scene.

But, on the other hand, serious music has always been a pretty elitist art has always existed in some such reservation for the smart, educated people – scientists, doctors, physicists, writers, artists, because it is necessary to feel, to perceive, it is necessary to spend mental strength.

– Is a listener in Russia and abroad?

– Foreign listener, unlike the Russian one, less expect catharsis from the concert, more sharpened by the fact that just a nice evening.

Because any concert is always interaction with the public, then I really react when they realize the audience wants to work or not. If she doesn’t want to work, then I play fast and quit! (Laughs.)

In the sport must be first. You or first, or no one. And the music?

In music there is no competition. It makes sense to go on stage, but only if you yourself like it, you enjoy it and if you have something to tell people through listening.

Otherwise it is totally pointless.

I have the fear of God

– With faith, the Church you faced in childhood?

– Vivid memories of childhood in this sense – Easter in the Church of Riga, a crowd of people, night, colored eggs, remember how we went to Church on Christmas. In childhood my mother took me to our Confessor.

Then I had a period of great loss, when to me was only the external, ritual side: at Easter you paint eggs, bake cakes, but not take part in the worship. In fact, we have 80% of the population lives this way.

Only through very complicated thorny own way I began to move. To the faith, or to respect some internal canons, to understanding that there are some eternal laws that affect everyone… it’s Hard to put into words, because now, wherever you dig, everywhere some double meanings and we can talk about faith, but in fact to mean only the ritual and paganism. You can talk about faith, but in fact imply pride and some perfectionism there is a neophyte. You can talk about the faith and, with it, to understand what the burnout happens, and the priests and the parishioners. In General, this is a very long, complicated, serious conversation, which is not to raise in an interview.

I consider myself a member of the Church, but this does not mean that I support absolutely everything that happens in it, especially from the face of the official authorities.

At least I know a few priests who live the gospel, and that’s enough for me.

– You talked about a crisis of faith. And what it can be connected?

– A crisis of faith, I think, is a very common process: a person burns out, things happen in life, crumbling some immutable, it would seem, things, and you ask yourself the question: where was God in this moment? Here it helps to reformulate the question: not “why me?”, and “why?”.

On the other hand, I am always very well understood, if something happened, what have I done. From the point of view of faith, I know that there are some things that absolutely cannot be done. It is impossible to lie, to commit adultery, to covet the wife or husband of the neighbor, not to steal, kill and so on – these are very simple things. But, I assure you, very few of them who performs. And I have the fear of God. Of course, I always err on the small, like all people. But here’s the big sin still afraid because of the fear of God.

– There you have a situation when discouraged, you don’t know what to do…

– Quite often. My character is not the most optimistic, not very good. I do not belong to such a joyous type of Russian women who are always smiling, say: Yes, we’ll survive! I immediately start running around, shaking, to worry, to panic: what can happen and if I die… Then helps only a silent prayer, and faith that the Lord will govern better is the only thing that can calm me down.

Photo By Evgeny Evtuhova

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