Say, “I Love you” while the door is still not closed

“I pray, complain, apologize, blame yourself, you see all the mistakes, the nasty things I promise God to straighten up, I promise. If only the husband has recovered…” – Elena Kucherenko about how in fifteen years of marriage, a sudden disaster made me understand what “let there be two in one flesh”.

Photo: Getty Images / Brad Wilson

  • Why in the world is so little love?
  • Before his death, saying, “Sorry, I was working so little!”
  • He is no more
  • “The man seriously, no offense” – convince a woman like her husband is her child

Elena Kucherenko

That day we again had a quarrel with her husband because of those stupid Wallpapers.

As I remember, was twenty-first of September, the Nativity of the virgin. Vadim took communion at the early Liturgy, then before work I went home. And I was running late with the kids later. Do not have time, was nervous. And then there’s the Wallpaper in the kitchen. The cat had torn a huge hole, in plain sight, and it’s wildly irritated me.

We agreed to go together to the store, choose a new one, which I like, so there are no issues. And I was too lazy, too busy, I wanted to do everything myself. Angry. And constantly remember him the hole.

And quietly closed the door.

Husband as always that morning said to me:

– Let’s just go. That’s what you like then and buy.

I walked around the apartment in search of children’s jackets, hats, felt sorry for himself, blamed everyone around and wistfully remembered his carefree youth free. Without the gray of everyday life and the holes on the wall.

– If I got a Wallpaper going to do, why I do the husband – in the hearts of “dumped” me, shaking as always not in time to Masha fashioned diapers…

The husband silently went to the door. And quietly closed behind him the door…

And in the evening he came home from work and lay down on the sofa:

– I don’t feel right…

Thirty seven and five, runny nose, scratchy throat…

I got the kids, house, cooking, and murmur to herself:

Thirty seven and five, and he lies. And I even cheer humanly can’t.

Thirty-eight… Thirty-eight and five… Husband does not eat, only drink requests.

Nights cries Mary. She probably climbing teeth. I don’t sleep and feel sorry for yourself, jealous of Vadim, who quietly “resting” in the next room and I remember how hurt I was when he said that… Or that… And anyway, it is good, it all day at work. But, I’m poor at the gap. And that stupid hole on the wall. And luska out repairs. Petrov in Spain. My life, a tin…

This morning my husband of almost thirty-nine. The neck got a huge lymph node.

The doctor came, prescribed antibiotics. Two days drinking and worse.

The ambulance arrived, was taken to the hospital.

– Anything can happen, you just don’t worry.

Again he closed behind him the door.

Silence… Frightened look at me children:

– Mom, dad and all will be well?

– Yes, of course.

I don’t have Wallpaper. I’m scared. I’m at this creepy closed door and tears stream down my cheeks:

– My God! Don’t leave! Let all be good! I love him so much!

But her husband already does not hear.

At me as if down a concrete slab

And then all hell broke loose. I wrote about it on the Internet and not much said. Could not. But the news is still scattered. I called, wrote, offered my help and helped. But sometimes I wanted to throw the phone against the wall. He was torn, and I was only waiting for a single call FROM HIM.

Each question: “How was he?” was heartbreaking. People wanted the best, but inside of me was not a living space. But anyway, dear, thank you. If you haven’t been around, I would not have survived.

IVS, antibiotics, endless tests, puncture of the lymph node removal, biopsy, CT scan, ultrasound of all, gastroscopy, colonoscopy, bone marrow biopsy, consultations, meetings, some renowned Professor, thoughtfully parting hands…

My husband is worse… the Temperature creeps higher and trembling so that the bed shakes.

I every day in the hospital. I hate all doctors. Children periodically sitting girlfriends. But the main burden is shouldered our eldest daughter, Barbara. Small, thirteen-year-old child, she became my rock, my rear, my crutches.

– Mom, get dad, I’ll do it, don’t worry. With girls I’m fine.

Vadim through the power of smiles cheerfully and says that all will be well. Sure! So I was not nervous and more relaxed.

Was two days, when it seemed that he was leaving in front of me.

– Don’t leave me, – I whispered. – I love you!

– We don’t know what with him, the doctors said. Infection or cancer. But the tests for infection didn’t say… All in God’s hands.

Cancer… I feel like I fell down a concrete slab.

I went outside, sat on the pavement, leaned against the wall and howled. It was a nightmare. I wanted to Wake up but the dream does not end there. It’s not us, no. But it is with us!

Can’t… can’t… Need to pack. Home to my kids… No, first in Novospasskiy to the “seven arrows”, then to the matron.

– Where are you? – calling our friend Egor. Go home!

Probably afraid I’ll go crazy.

– Mom, I fed the girls, don’t worry, it’s Cooking. – Masha is asleep.

– Her husband? – I asked the nun in a candle store.

– The husband.

– Everything will be fine, you’ll see Matronushka will help. It always helps.

Photo: Ksenia Zimin /

I cry looking at the icon. Look in the closed eyes Matrona. It seems to me that she was crying with me.

I pray, complain, apologize, blame yourself, you see all the mistakes, the nasty things I promise God to straighten up, I promise. If only the husband has recovered…

Go to metro. Sit…

…Sea… What a beautiful sea. Palm trees, sun. Some bright birds. Flowers. Vadim there. We are well. We laugh. We’re in heaven. He goes for a swim. Beautiful, slim. Walks into the water. Further, further… It is no longer visible.

– Vadim! – I shouted. – Vadim!

It is not. The sea became black. The sun has disappeared. There’s all this beauty. Dark…

– Ladiiies!

– The girl, the girl! Are you sick? You was moaning so.

I fell asleep and missed my station.

Grab the phone:

You’re alive?

– What are you doing? Of course, alive!

Night four-year-old Tonya screams and calls dad. Day at every little noise he runs to the door and looks to see if he. Asking in the village. I promise. But how can I go without Vadim? There are his hands. All of them breathing. I can’t.

Some girl in the temple said to the son: “your father has cancer.” My daughter has a nervous breakdown, fever. Two days did not go to school.

Six-year-old Dunya was going to the monastery to pray for the Pope, and to us it was good. And until she learned to feed Mary.

Little Masha, who from birth slept separately in a crib, the first day took the husband asks the night to me. As feels. Sorry. Warm me with your sun sideways. And I a little easier.

Every five minutes call to the hospital.

– Better?

– No.

– But at least not worse.

On the chair his shirt. I was irritated by his shirt on the chair. Take, pressed against face. The smell of it. Such a native. I want to clean the Cabinet. No, let him hang here. It’s like he’s home.

Meet him from anesthesia after surgery, and most of all afraid that he won’t Wake up.

A night with the kids we read the Canon of “mother of God”.

Calling Vadim:

Temperature subsided a little.

Thank God!

And then climbed back up.

Nine in the evening… Some doctor advised her husband to change the antibiotic. But you have to buy it themselves, it is expensive, is not everywhere and only by prescription.

At twenty-two thirty I have “crammed” in the hospital with this antibiotic. As I took it without a prescription doesn’t matter. The doctor smiled, a strict nurse first called me and said something soothing.

Before leaving, I read on the door of the doctor’s room: “Vadim Prischepa. Heavy. The resuscitation team be prepared.”

A concrete slab became harder…

I run up and beat on the closed door

Saturday… the Whole Church, headed by the priests pray for the health of the sick Vadim. And I can’t even go inside. See altar servers and start crying. There should now be my Vadim. My, my John! Why they’re here and he isn’t???

– How’s that? asks me at the exit lying on the grass drunk lomicka Natasha. – We all pray.

– All… All pray! – important nod of her colleagues. – You tell him that he’s not… uhhh!!!!…

And, unable to bear the emotions, one of bomzhik fell backwards and began to snore.

Sunday… After the Liturgy, our friend the altar boy Vlad volunteered to go with me and the girls to Spiridon Trimifuntsky. Passed quickly, kissed.

Help not leave a miracle. – silently “screaming” I.

Some Greeks, who came to Corfu with the relics, took me by the shoulders, look you in the eye, smiled. Guess.

Then we went with the children to the hospital. Let us…

What was it again?… I can’t remember.

All in a daze, as if not with me. A strange, alien world around. All somewhere to run, laughing, kissing, fighting. Why? For what? It all goes past me and I feel like I’m standing in place and watching a movie. And do not understand anything.

Now my life is tears, fear, hope, despair, faith. In front of me closed the door. Followed my husband. I run, I in the door, fall, get up, and run away again. It should open! Needs! Then I grab him, cuddle, say I love him and will never let go…

Lena, I should… Thirty-eight and three…

I’m ready to kiss these figures.

– Today I walked all day along the corridor Thirty-seven and two…

– Thirty-six and nine…


I think I can finally breathe. Look around. Wow, turns out the leaves have all turned yellow. And there is the red maple. Beautiful…

– Mother, and Mary in the two weeks she learned to sit, – said Dunya. And crawl at her normal work.

I did not notice… Masonice a week for a year, I’ve been waiting for. And I’m not here.

The mirror… Who is that? Is this old woman is me?

One flesh

Our door opened…

Puncture and biopsy site is normal. Bone marrow also. The tests more or less. The expectation of each result is ten years of life. What it was, neither we nor the doctors did not understand. We still have to control everything, but at least he’s home and feels almost healthy.

What helped? Miracle antibiotic? Saint Spyridon? Matrona? Lord? Prayer? The fact that one of our priest went to the hospital to give communion to her husband? Or because another father, whose daughter was in intensive care, with her mother, with a lot of children, and he calls me and says: “we’re Going to Vadim to serve as a prayer!” And buys a bunch of Goodies. He is now in General not up to us, need help, but he is WITH US. And I want to worship at his feet.

I don’t know what helped. Probably, all together. But yesterday we were discharged.

Not her husband, and US!

You know, perhaps, only now, when in two weeks our family will be fifteen years old, I understood what “Yes, there will be two in one flesh”.

This is when the quarrel, fool, crazy, offended and hurt, and sometimes want to kill this “evil” half, leaving “night” back, but when that happens – it’s like you are tearing in two. Without anesthesia. For a living. Just rip off a piece. A little more, and tear. And if you do, and you. Because you are one. All that it is to me, too. Without him I’m gone. Without him, nothing at all!

You grab this half hands, teeth, thoughts, prayer, pull yourself trying to put back, nail, sew, stick. And beg the Lord: “do not take!!! What Wallpaper! Any quarrel! Cute, nice, only live!!!” And bite the pillow at night because of the pain and fear. And all ready to give! And forgive everything.

What to forgive? To forgive something and nothing. I was doing just fine! Remember only the good. Our meeting. The first small bunch. “Will you marry me?”. The birth of children. Our favorite places. Hand in hand. His eyes are blue. This beard is itchy. Dreams of grandchildren. Our Masha, which we easily survived, because together. And the bad? Unless it was?

His whole life, every act, every breath, for me, for the kids. And curse myself for was dissatisfied with everything, not dolabela, said that the best. That then closed the door behind him, and you were silent.

Never! Never do this! Because the door may not open back. Hurry up to say: “I Love you” before it is too late. This could change everything. This will turn on the mountain! Words can kill and words can work a miracle.

Quarrels, disputes, holes – all this nonsense. It can be corrected. EVERYTHING in the world can be corrected. You can’t fix only death…

All this time I was thinking about my grandmother Martha. We met her in our village. She told me about her husband Kolya, which once long ago had a falling out and didn’t hug when he left for work. And the day Nicholas died. Many years have passed, decades. But still can’t forgive herself for old Martha, didn’t kiss then, not stopped… And closed forever her door.

Recalled Irena. “Well, get out!” – she shouted to the groom Elisha in a rage. Night, drunk, he got hit by a car. And Irina’s door forever closed. She went crazy and disappeared somewhere. Cursed myself that I wasn’t pressed to my then favorite, pushed. Some say he hung himself. Someone has split off…. Don’t know

How scary all of this…

How quickly all is forgotten

We sit in the kitchen. Husband drinks tea. Not depart from him the happy girls: “Daddy’s back”. Maddened with delight, the cat runs around the walls and ceiling. We are together!

With a smile we realize that this “wonderful” company selected from them in a therapeutic ward, where he eventually transferred. Heavy Vadim, with unclear diagnosis. Quiet and intelligent fan of alcohol with liver cirrhosis. Comely humble priest. The old Testament grandfather with profound dementia, day and night, incessantly, the speaker intoned the verses calling women and nights demanding to take him to the library. And even 71-year-old military pilot who is fourteen years relentlessly without getting sick a single day, took care of bedridden wife. And when she died, he came to his daughter and he’s thrown a clot in the aorta, with which he was in the hospital. And here, in this chamber, after resuscitation, despite the strict bed rest, started to watch over the feeble-minded grandfather.

I look at my husband, children, nutty cat, and think about how fragile our life is. Today you happy, tomorrow – the abyss.

Try to remember these moments. When the door opened. When heart beat and was able to breathe. When I saw the maple, the sun and the sky. And realized that live again.

Then laugh, then cry. It hurts in a “scar” in the place where I “tore” my half. But “heals”. Now everything will be different. I promise!…

Elena Kucherenko family. Photo: Anna Danilova

And what have my husband back? But… That hole in the Wallpaper. How does it irritates me!

– Let’s go together and buy, – says Vadim.

And I have children, cooking, cleaning… I was too busy. And again starts to sizzle disgusting inside. Now I say something to him!

– If I’m going to do Wallpaper….

No! Just shut up! Tomorrow may never come!

How easily we all promise when we are in trouble. And how quickly we forget, when all is well! Lord, forgive! And thank You!

Yeah, let’s go! I love you! How infinitely I love you!

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