School chat – the pain of the parent of the XXI century

Beginning of the school year is stressful for parents. In the autumn come to life numerous parent chat rooms, sometimes a whole day can pass under the warning of the messengers. About how digital technology has changed the attitude of parents and teachers, why after a request to bring the Cheburashka to school fired the Director and what not to write in an electronic diary and school chat rooms, says psychologist Nana Hovhannisyan.

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Dads in the world the best kid’s fashion

– Let’s talk about what brought you to the school of the XXI century. It’s not only about technical innovations like an electronic diary, but about social things. For example, many have noticed that at parents ‘ meetings at school became more pop. Do you think what is the reason?

Nana Hovhannisyan. Photo:

– According to my observations, in the prestigious schools of the Pope attended the meetings and was always included in the process of raising children. In the late 90s I had to work at school on Lomonosovsky Prospekt, where he studied many children of scientists and teachers. Not to say that there sway of the Pope, but they were enough at least one-third.

In the families of children who studied in this school, often observed the partnership between the parents, including the education of children. Now we can say that this trend has spread. In families where dad is, they usually are present in the school, although in residential areas may have different social habits. There are schools, where the Assembly class is usually half empty, even first graders are some mothers and grandmothers, and little. To look the part dad need to not only meeting, but also “routine” – who picks up the child from school or kindergarten, who walks and works with him.

In some families dad remains the “ultimate authority” to which appeal only in the event of any force majeure. In Soviet times, the challenge to the Director’s father, not mother, was a sign of emergency and even a kind of punishment, it was believed that the father more strict. In my experience, in the same 90-e and zero had to call dad to school immigrants from the Eastern republics in those cases when mothers were powerless and could not control the situation with the education and upbringing of the child.

I think in Russia the activity of dads, which we see in the last decade, and is connected with the change of generations, and the fact that people go abroad to countries where the Pope, who is busy with child or with several children, it is not surprising, and adopted it.

Social network and promotion of children’s topics, beginning with breastfeeding and ending with a discussion of the exam and universities, is also facilitated fathers access to the kids world, which earlier in Russia was the prerogative of mom. This is partly fashion, but it is a good mod. The reports that Prince William took the heir to the first class and famous TV presenter or the founder of the popular social network is going to take maternity leave caused a wave of imitations, and it is very good.

Teachers are afraid to tell their parents what they think

– The schools are the system throughput, does this mean that teachers become less affordable for parents?

– I think the problems with access to the master now, no. Phone the classroom teacher now have with all the parents. I can only judge on Moscow, but it seems to me that the process of communication of parents with the Director and the teaching staff is now not only became easier, it became totally transparent, even with some bias in favor of the parents.

Teachers are afraid to tell their parents what they think, because they may misunderstand and complain to management. Even e-mail parents on the school website – freelance situation, you need to respond immediately. And if a disgruntled parent will write on the website of the Department of education, after such treatment is likely to “fly head”. Therefore, teachers communicate with parents very carefully.

Meeting of parents with teachers has turned into an official ceremony. Minutes shall be kept of the conversation, the parents try not to offend, even if the parent came with a not too appropriate request and its claims sound strange. It happens, and more often than we would like. I, as a psychologist, not just at these meetings, attended.

Alert teaching staff associated with the fact that many parents are now recording a conversation with the teacher on the recorder and on video. Officially, the teacher can’t deny. These records can appear in social networks or become an Annex to the complaint. It mobilizes teachers, they try to only speak on the case and carefully choose words, which of course is not without tension. Teachers, in turn, try to err, taking the official record of the conversation.

Of course, to falsely accuse parents that they do not get out of chat, it would be a mistake. They have the right to do what they want and like. The trouble is that there are teachers who also do not part with your smartphone, are always in active correspondence, including during a lesson. Neither the laws nor the Charter school is not regulated. Maybe it’s time to contract professionals working with children to include the item binding to turn off the smartphone during lessons. Personally I would really like to see a paragraph appeared in the job descriptions of teachers and school psychologists.

Against this background, the fact that now in all the classroom want to put the camera, looks good, although many teachers unhappy with such initiatives. In my practice there was a case when the camera has helped to find out what kind of conflict in children occurred during NAP time in kindergarten and at this time where were the teachers who were obliged to be present in the bedroom. In Moscow kindergartens with schools are part of multifunctional complexes, I was head of psychological services in the institution.

Photo: Maria Golubeva /

Parent chats sore of our time

Foreign films are often seen zamochennuyu working mother who suddenly discovers that by tomorrow morning you need to bake a cake for a school competition. Many Russian parents had to collect a November evening in autumn leaves or oven in the night, pancakes for Shrove Tuesday. What would you recommend in such situations?

– It seems to me that in Moscow this problem is now solved. If you type in the search “Director of the school and Cheburashka”, you can learn the story of how the in 2016, the Director of a Moscow school was fired after recording one of his teachers in an electronic diary: “Bring the product Cheburashka”.

Head of the Department of education blew the Director on a conference call that Cheburashka all remembered for a long time. Now the word “bring” in Moscow schools is banned, and teachers Excel in picking up non-obvious synonyms, so no glue and colored paper in the classroom technology is not to remain, and under the wrath of the authorities not to fall: “the lesson of the need materials for the manufacture of an application (the list)”. So Cheburashka saved Moscow parents, I don’t think someone from the teachers dare to oblige them to bring something to school.

Working moms from other cities that Cheburashka does not come, it may be advisable to perform similar tasks to the best of their ability, resource and desire. Each time ask yourself the questions: “How is that necessary? What happens if I don’t?” To say: “I work, I can’t” is perfectly normal.

Learning in school is not you and the baby something to help him, but most importantly – not to arrange in the school competition parental ambition, not involved in this race.

Because in most cases this should not a child, and parents, to gain prestige and status in the parent group. I would many moms advised me to be careful to parent communities, including in social networks.

Why? What’s wrong with the parent chats and groups?

Seriously, working moms, I would suggest less attention is paid to parent chats. These chat rooms are usually for the parents of students of 1st-2nd, high 3rd graders, then the parents get tired of them. Usual mom-activist, entusiasti parent chat all his zeal and all his parental zeal spend the first year of a child’s learning in school.

Some parents begin to show enthusiasm when in first class it is someone from the younger kids, because when I studied older children, chat was not. The activity in the parent chat – like measles, these “sick” once in a lifetime, all remaining children of this vaccination enough, the parents become wiser, grow out of these chats and are beginning to treat school activity philosophically.

It seems to me that the parent chats, parent groups in social networks is a sore of our time. Parents happily chatting, forgetting the fact that school is not for them, they’re not classmates, and their children. If chatting is the teacher, the situation becomes more complicated. In virtual communication, it is difficult to keep a distance and the chain of command when parents are trying to him to “make friends” and to demand that it was open 24 hours a day.

I, as head of psychological services, I can say that in recent times, there are many requests from educators for the regulation of relations in such chats. Any community (including parental) exposed to group dynamics: conflict, showdown, struggle for leadership, bullying. There are no rules on the conduct of the parent chats.

And only when all parents in the virtual space already quarreled, they begin to appeal to the authority of teachers. But the teachers this process is not in control, it is beyond the scope of their competence. I suggest in the school chat rooms, and groups to walk carefully. Most often it is just a waste of time. We should also caution users of social networks “friends” with classmates of their children – not always a good idea, especially if you are prone to emotional recordings and like to post personal photos.

Conflict at school: go for it officially

– Have you changed now the algorithm for solving school conflicts? What to do modern mom, if her child came home from school in tears (with a bruise), because he hit a classmate?

– A conversation with the mother of the aggressor, most likely, will not bring you to your destination, any mother will protect their child. If the mother of another child adequately assess the situation, it is always possible to understand, and if not, it is better not to come into conflict.

Advise your child to stay away from the aggressor. If possible, watch the children, take a child from school. You need to contact the teacher. It is best to start informally, send a letter describing your situation and asking to understand. You can ask the teacher: “do I Need to inform mom or you take the process under your control?”

How to proceed, tell the teacher. The school has a social teacher or the psychologist, where these are the responsibility of the teacher. If the problem is not confined to one case, the mother should write the query in a social/psychological services.

Psychologist or social worker should come and watch the children at recess and during class, to understand how aggressive the abuser of your child and how substantiated are the claims of the mother. If the situation becomes chronic, the teacher invites the child’s mother for a conversation in school.

If this conversation will have no effect, Council on prevention puts the child on school records. In resolving such conflicts need to go through official channels. But you should start with an informal appeal to the teacher.

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