Why our system of education allows for mistreatment of children, we must all resolve to be a good parent and what to tell others if they make you comments – says Lyudmila Petranovskaya.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Photo by Evgeny Razdobarin “the Spectrum”.
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I run by the Pushkin Museum for a meeting. At a stoplight I notice the woman who sharply pulls the child’s hand. She does it again and again. Loudly shouting: “how dare you click that button! I’m asking you?! Who allowed you to do it?” Apparently, a boy of eight pressed the button of the traffic light at the crosswalk. Click-clicks, but were not going to go. Because mother and yelled at the eight-year-old good mate.
Someone faster, someone quizzically and accusingly turned around, someone stop this couple, trying to make out the words. The essence of her resentment was to ensure that “you, rascal, motorists stopped. People go to work in a hurry”. The child looked puzzled and whispered: “I accidentally, I accidentally. Didn’t want to. It happened”.
If everything is allowed – so afraid
– Recently in the theater during a children’s show caught the scene. Just turned out the light and the curtain rose as the father handed the child a candy bar and started to open a can of Coca-Cola. Why is this happening? Some shout at the kids for a bit of innocent fun, others indulge any whims. Some read clever books about the theory of attachment and relationship to the child as a value, and other such literature ignored?
– Your example is not about the theory of attachment. This theory at no point says that the child must still be resolved. She talks about what we need to respond to the needs of the child. Agree, it is unlikely he has a real need to crunch candy bar during the performance, of course, if it is not in danger right now of falling into a diabetic coma.
The theory of attachment about the fact that the parent promises the child the love, protection and care, not the gratification of desires, but would not have whims. Attachment theory does not really discuss the issue of discipline. If the child with the parent is a good affection, then he is inclined to obey their parent by default, considering the good, the right all that is right and good according to the parent. The child must be very good reasons not to obey and insist on. Maybe the parent didn’t understand or did not consider it important need.
If we talk about the people who still allow their children, and I must admit that now this is common, they are just afraid to ban. As a rule, in the experience of such people, the prohibition is always accompanied by threats and insults. That is, they can not, can not prohibit friendly, not angry, without spoiling the relationship. They never heard nor knew of the prohibitions in the form of a friendly, calm adult state.
In your previous example the problem is not that the mother was forbidden to tamper with traffic lights, but the fact that she dragged the moral accusations, threats and evaluation to a situation where the child simply did not know and had not thought of. It was enough to explain how it works, and why it is impossible to press “just because”.
“Evil parents do not allow good parents allow” is the logic of five children. Adults understand what the opposition is wrong. Parents who are allowed – not good, but rather nihilists. Parents who ban something, on the contrary, are not necessarily evil and not love the child. Their severity may be related to an objective necessity to ensure the child’s safety and development.
But inside each of us is a “five children”, who still resents his mother for what she once did, something strictly spoken, punished, promised and not performed. And often it is from this state we start to interact with your own child.
For us it is linked things: “to deny something, I must be an evil mom, but I love my baby and I will not deny anything, I will give a chocolate. And all who does not like – they are just evil and let it not getting to me with their complaints, they say that I disturb them a spectacle to watch”.
– Agree, this is not a healthy situation.
– I agree. But it is impossible to change one easy and graceful movement of the hands. People are gradually learning to be parents. Thank God, I have rarely grown children publicly beat and insult, what had happened.
How to be a good parent and for your child to be not seen and not heard
– Education in Russia is markedly different from the system of education in Europe. Do you have an understanding of why this happens?
– First, there is no “system of education in Europe.” In different countries, cultures, social strata raise their children very differently, and we really are not so many know about it.
Another question – what strap is socially acceptable behaviour of children do it too hard. If we look at how your children are doing in other countries (not only European, by the way), we often see a more liberated behavior, which no one considers outrageous.
If the child runs around the restaurant between the tables, the waiters will not look at it with an expression of “how dare he interfere with to wear the trays.” On the contrary, he’ll play along. Someone tickles someone joked, someone will show you how to granulate in a blender with ice. Therefore, active child, who understandably boring to sit in one place while the parents talk about the fourth hour in a row, entertain the surrounding. Others act as supportive adults. This is a form of reciprocity and social participation. Thus, these people unload their parents, and those unable to sit, to relax, to relieve stress, as long as someone a little “take care” of the child.
The amazing thing is that it does not require special efforts of others. Accordingly, no one will be defiantly and contemptuously push the child like a dirty rag, which the parents should be immediately removed from sight, because it is a shame to have such a son. Another point of normal. It is normal that a child could run around, made some noise, or even lie down in the aisle. And in combination with the very same support from others, he interferes with everything. The child who desperately cries after the parent hissing: “don’t worry, you’re normal at all, or not?” or slap, just hurt more.
– Why we have an educational plank so hardcoded?
– We generally people are historically very vulnerable to pressure from others. I am afraid to be guilty, “not so.” Here and the village community of the past, and the experience of helplessness before the “public” of Soviet times.
Has the value and condition of the people. Internal resource person a very serious impact on our attitude to reality, how it will be painted.
Imagine a warm southern evening. You’re in good company, relaxed, you well. A number of runs someone’s kid. Yes, maybe even yelling joyfully noisy. Runs past you and you joke back or even play with it a bit. A paper airplane out of a napkin made boat. If you are relaxed, you do not perceive this irrepressible scamp as an invasion.
But here’s another situation. All and you in particular, tense, tired, in constant stress. An hour or two to sit in a cafe with friends is rare and taken from this life one minute rest. Of course, the three-year period, which as usual runs around the restaurant in circles, crawling under tables, looks you in the dish, you will be perceived as invaders, as one who takes up your only for a month or for six months, night. The evening, which you have extracted, pulled teeth from the everyday hustle and bustle.
The ubiquitous attempt to calm kids gadgets comes from the same place. Parents know that the restless behavior of the child is unbearable, but others do not hide their desire to have the child somewhere to go right now. If the parent is not ready to be slapped on the ass in public, the baby calmed down from the fear that remains? It remains to put Peppa Pig on the phone, thereby finding a compromise between “don’t be cruel” and the desire of others “to your child here to be seen and heard”.
If someone is unhappy with – ask him to help
Is this something you can do? Or all decisions are made only on a personal level? “Yes, that’s my baby and he will lie on the floor!”
– Of course, the situation must change on all sides: and from others, and from parents. Parents, it is important to understand the needs of the child, to be with him emotional connection. While more often parents go into a panic. The problem always starts at the moment when someone makes a comment or shows displeasure. Mom either falls into guilt and begins hurriedly pack their child, shouting at him, threatening, appeasing or bargaining with him. Or include “I’m a mother” and begins to snap rude, to put others in place. Both things do not improve.
– So what to do? Where to go?
For example, ask to help someone who unhappy. If you walk down the street, you have a bag in one hand and a stroller with a sleeping baby in the other, and next is the three-year and yells. Or not, and lay down on the asphalt.
Someone is unhappy? Ask for help, to the entrance of the bag to bring the door to hold. Believe me, the man immediately lost the desire to teach you to live.
Moms need to be able sometimes to joke, sometimes to put the border without any rudeness: “Thank you, I heard you, but we have these rules.” And once you allow a stranger to discipline your child in a normal way: “Please tell him that it bothers you”. Let the man say politely, for a child it would sound weighty.
In General, it may be different behaviors, reactions, remarks, if they come from the adult resource status. The decision is not about who to blame, but about how together to find a way out of an unpleasant situation.