The child cries: “don’t wanna go to school” – immediately translate to another, or to give time

The school year just started, but already there are voices of anxious parents: “the Child is crying, does not want to school. I urgently need to transfer it to another, or to a family training!” To act decisively or take the time – reflects a marriage counselor, mother of 11 children Ekaterina Burmistrova.

Photo: shalamov / 123RF

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One mother forbade her to utter the word “autumn”

– The child went to school – first grade, or third, or sixth… it’s been a few weeks and the baby is screaming, throwing tantrums: “don’t wanna go to school!” Whether it is to alert parents?

Ekaterina Burmistrova

– First of all, of course, about the adaptation syndrome. About the adaptation can be a long story. In Russia we have a very long vacation, three months. During this time occurs, on the one hand, the global recovery. But, on the other hand, is a global withdrawal.

Yes, first graders need to get used to the new regime, to a new life. But in the end it turns out that to get used to new way you need almost all. And parents including. Because all are in the adaptation period: have not yet recovered mode with the morning standing for those who were not on duty to get up early, daily chart, has not recovered our habit to stress, to permanent mobilization.

Only we, unlike children, are afraid to cry. I read in one of your groups in social networks, as the mother wrote: “I banned when I pronounce the word “autumn””. But most parents do not show their state. In children less than this psychological protection and all the experiences outside.

So the first six or seven weeks is a period of adaptation, habituation, even when the processes associated with the new schedule, a child, a teenager and a parent spends far more than it will spend then, when you get used to it.

It is very sharp contrast between leisure time and school year. Especially if the early fall is warm like summer, and you need to have to drop everything and get yourself into a class where it was stuffy, hot.

– In addition to adaptation, what could be the reason?

– From incorrectly planned schedule. Sometimes right from the first week, without observing any rules of adaptation, for children, even at younger students, not just pile on the school workload. But already the second from the second week homework assignment, and they have immediately, and a music school, and sports training.

The main rule of adaptation – metered building load.

Let’s say you chose a program that made it. Yes, it’s big. But we should not take everything at once, from the first week. Usually teachers are loyal, you just need to talk. Take your time.

Recently I was walking down the street and heard the conversation of a mother with a teenager. The teenager asked, “Mom, let’s at least the first couple of weeks without a tutor. I now understand what my own and what I need help”. To which the mother replied, “No, we have a deal. You go right now, since the beginning of the study”.

Sometimes a child just not used to force myself

The child may cause the rejection of that school is boring, they need to work, there are responsibilities?

Yes. We have the German educational system, it is present in Russia and most other countries and is not associated with fun. It is a system that is based on a compulsion that is difficult, what challenges you overcome these systematic efforts – part of their education. If parents in General with this concept do not agree, and they have a choice, then you need something else to look for.

Provides family training, and there schedule is built based on the needs of the family and child. This is a completely different rhythms. There are private schools, where individual approach and where you do not make any effort. There are other education systems, where we try to do without cramming and without the class-lesson system.

Just need to remember that each system has its disadvantages.

And yet what skill is necessary to work hard in life. And by itself, the work does not hurt. Can injure the bad attitude of the teacher overload. Sometimes a child just not used to force myself at all.

Photo: Sergey Beynik “first-grader” (fragment)

But if tantrums are strong, every day, the child categorically stated that the school will not go? To transfer to another school, the family training?

– I’d didn’t make the decision until after these two months. You need to try to understand what could still be the case. Causes of discomfort in the school, in addition to adaptation, there may be many came to the new boy in class, noisy, pugnacious, and the child is afraid of him. Or any girl who is a greater leader than your child.

Maybe something happened in terms of relationships with other children, can be, changed teacher, maybe have changed the locker room or class, can be started a new subject with a strict teacher, maybe they changed the supplier of Lunches and it became impossible to eat. Maybe your child has problems, and he can’t use the school toilet.

Hysteria may appear, if you had a evaluation or child went to the fifth grade, and middle school is another, different life, different requirements. The reasons can be many, maybe some applies to your situation? But first and foremost it is necessary to exclude some points of conflict with the teacher.

And yet, maybe the child is just Mature enough to protest. For example, in first grade, he had not thought that in school not want to, and have now grown and realized. Parents here need an adequate response, the attitude that school is a necessary part of life…

So one should not immediately run and take the child and watch what happens, what is the reason to see if a psychosomatic headaches or vomiting, for example. But, again, first look for the cause and only then make a decision.

Mom is tired and decides: “Everything is bad, went to another place”

– How important is the attitude of parents to study in school?

– If parents are not sure that school is a good place in General, say, or think that a particular school is not good enough for a child, is very much he is, the child feels the situation, even if this conversation is happening between adults in the kitchen in the evening or on the phone.

That is, if you do doubt yourself too tired from school, by the child it will not work and all the moments of resistance will be strengthened.

Child is much easier if the parents are willing to definitely go. The parent may say that it’s hard on everyone, including adults, can tell about the adaptation that violated the usual way, the neural chain was broken and has not yet recovered.


– You used to get up at half past nine, and now at 6.45 or 7 hours. Of course, it is difficult, it is clear that don’t want to, and the school noisy. It takes time to for this noise to get used to. Man is so constituted that he’s getting used to it takes time.

Sometimes, of course, that faced with the fact that the school is really not suitable. Something has changed, or the child came in some sort of vulnerable stage, something had been ill, and he started some neurotic symptoms. But here, the decision to leave should not be very fast.

To act is immediately necessary in situations involving violence on the part of teachers.

If a child accumulates is really a rejection of school, it’s not going anywhere in two months. The task for adults is to observe, to consult, possible, to reduce the load, but not to think out loud with the child if school. Because it is a very strong destabilization for the children.

The decision to take the child from school must be very slow. If you go from a situation in which there is a feeling that you failed, there is a risk that this situation where you can not cope, had moved to another training system.

When all-taki, in your opinion, is to go to another school, to home schooling?

It is important that time passed, and it is better to leave a stable, good situation when you can stay, but just for you another option. Because the feeling of failure and the desire to escape from difficulties at the first emotional breakdown – is strategically a very dubious choice.

Yes, I repeat, there are emergencies that do need to go, for example, when the teacher is aggressive or hysterical.

But still often the first emotional wave usually baby taken away because mom’s tired, and here still the child resists. The mother decides: “it’s bad, went to another place”. And after some time difficulties, the same or others may appear elsewhere.

If the child every time he pulled out completely and successfully not passed the adaptation syndrome, a child develops a habit of popping up at the time of difficulties. And it’s very good.

So the decision to leave school need to be taken with a calm head: “All, here we got everything we need here no more”.

Sometimes with their problems, we need to understand parents. Maybe the family has some issues, parents in crisis, and child tolerates them, including at school. So sometimes you first need to decide to alleviate the problems in the family, and then school issues will become much softer.

Program Catherine Burmistrova dedicated to the school and adaptation:



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