In Moscow, Khachaturian sister killed his father. Man found with multiple stab wounds. Was, for many years he was mocking the girls. Now they are 17, 18 and 19 years, which means they’re likely to answer for the crime to the fullest extent of the law. Anna Mezhova, the Director of the Orenburg charity Foundation “Saving lives”, working for many years with children who have experienced violence. She believes that the tragedy would not have happened if the family just asked for help if the neighbors gave a signal. What happens when a society is silent about the violence and how to help a child to overcome trauma.
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It is better to kill people than to help
On the Internet write a lot about family, Khachaturian as dysfunctional, the father dealt drugs, was a despot and in General a cruel man, but the family was not registered in bodies of prevention. None of the neighbors, as I understand it, not a signal, the girls themselves and their mother also not asked for help.
This is the most important. Now, anonymous helpline for Teens all over the territory of Russia. At least in the field we spend a lot of effort to help such teenagers, and in Moscow to find help for victims of violence especially real. Why is the mother not appealed to the Fund to help the victims? The girls themselves could also apply to wards if over them cruelly humiliated. That to me is not very clear. It is better to kill a man than to come for help?
Early detection in such cases is very important, because when a case of aggression within the family unit, the tyrant is still possible to reason. But when violence entered the stage of regular beatings from his father’s side or mother’s side and, for example, those parents who use alcohol or drugs, go to regular binges, it is already very hard to help the family without removing the child.
To cases of domestic violence and child abuse was not really, need not only prevention, we need a government program. This should be collaboration between NGOs and government.
The state we perceive as a punitive Agency, and NGOs, in this case, just the same can help develop feature – people will be able to appeal without fear that they will immediately take their children. Many say that is not going to complain to the custody or to any public bodies, because they are afraid that they will seize the child.
Violence is impossible to forget and start life with a clean slate
We are engaged in the rehabilitation of children survivors of violence. We are the only ones in Russia who work with seriously and systematically.
We are approached by families who seek help. Most often, unfortunately, treated, when they themselves already can not cope. Often cases are started when a psychologist was needed yesterday. A large part of adoptive parents, who took the children from the orphanage. Very often they did not know about the committed violence on them, the difficulties blamed on deprivation – I think that these poor unguided children they came across.
But children who have experienced violence, most of them suffer from the fact that I can’t live a normal life.
For example, girls after the rape begin to hate men. What is the result? It all depends on how life pans out, and it is, in practice, it is not very successful.
Often such women do not marry, lead a solitary life, respectively, do not have children and all life suffer from loneliness. Nobody understands why, like all good, actually no.
See, violence cannot be forgotten. Many would say that this is nonsense, forget, begin to live with a new sheet. Now, don’t start. It will haunt her, will dream, people on the street will seem like a rapist. This condition requires a long and serious work with a psychologist.
Psychologists don’t want to work for free or they have no experience
We have now, in principle, nobody is talking about child abuse, its kinda not. However, there are many children who are unable to live a normal life, for example, because their mother just didn’t feed. Children develop a strong fear of going to lose. They uncontrolled hide food, put it under the pillow, and then forget themselves and the food begins to rot, to stink. Imagine how it hard?
You can blame the child, can he be banned, but without psychological work. Therefore, it is very important that we have a such rehabilitation in the country, and now it is, unfortunately, no. We are now in Perm the girl was raped, she needed a psychologist, and they could not find a single expert that would be free with this girl to work. Or the psychologist could not cope with this trauma, he had no experience.
We are now trying to build Russia’s first rehabilitation camp for these children to be any child from any region to us to send to you our specialists work with him and made him a rehabilitation plan and have this plan to transfer to the psychologist on the spot. Collect all psychologists who are able and willing to work with these children free of charge, in different regions, so that in any part of our country’s children, survivors of violence can find help. And in our rehabilitation center we could teach psychologists from all over Russia working with trauma.
“I want to kill my mother”
The beating and neglect of the needs of children are the most frequent injuries that we work with. The mother drinks, her child is annoying, he comes, asks for anything, she’s starting to get handsy. Children are very hard to tolerate. Most of the children we recognized that they hate their mother and someday will kill her. We are the guardians, I’m afraid. But this is precisely the case when a child can’t accept his past.
It all depends on the internal resources of the child. Sometimes it happens that the child experienced some very severe injury, but it is quite easy comes. We had a girl, her parents almost killed. They drank a lot, girl interfered with them. Not fed, not treated, sent in the cold almost naked on the street. After all this, the girl has a disability. Guardian told that the child has occurred. Now, the girl is fast enough to cope with the trauma, and the guardian was very slow to accept it. We had to work with her more than with the child.
Rape are rare, but maybe just to us, not so many people are drawn. Are anonymous calls, but people did not reach us. They may be afraid, embarrassed, decide to forget, not to think about it. More afraid of what people learn surrounding neighbors.
There was a case when a girl from the orphanage took the family to the village. Found out that a girl slept with an acquaintance of the mother. The girl turned to us, told us. And then she so convinced myself that there was nothing that gave up all his words. We understand that this is out of fear that it will say, will point the finger at the school will learn.
“Raped her daughter – but he’s my son”
Most children love their parents, even dysfunctional. Just because they have no experience of another life, they think violence is normal. That’s his mom, he grew up in. Moreover, we have repeatedly seen the mother told the child to give up his words, to say that he’s confused. Is explained by the fact that he feeds them, and if it now will be put in jail, who will feed them.
When we find out that there was violence or abuse and need to apply to the Investigative Committee, we hold conversation with the guardians. But not all eventually turn.
For example, grandma might say, “This is my son, he raped his daughter, but with my own hands my own son put in prison? He was drunk, just confused my daughter with wife”.
For this reason we spoke with the Investigating Committee. They said I can write a statement if you know places, names, circumstances of the crimes. But this is all I know. I tried to ask the Investigative Committee that they talked to our guardians. We have, unfortunately, nothing happened. But I still think that somehow it is necessary to resolve this issue. Perhaps, the system of work among psychologists, the Investigative Committee, the guardianship will be enshrined in law, regulated, and then it will be clear, in some cases, who and how should do.
We now have the law on decriminalization of violence. If before the women could call the police and get help, now they know that everything will be very fine is 5 000 rubles. In fact, they will eat less, paying this fine. Who cares?
The degree of violence in society prohibitive
We tried to work with the authorities, appealed to the Investigative Committee, wrote that they are ready in their areas of work with victims of violence, victims of crime. But it’s got some kind of runaround like “thanks, if parents want, they will find you and will formally apply.” Therefore, interaction with official bodies, we are almost there.
We are working with the Ministry of education in our region are implementing joint projects, for example, training for early detection. If the family with the child something happens, the first who sees it, is his school teacher and educator in the garden, of course, if the child is included in this society.
It is important to understand that we are not talking immediately about the withdrawal of the child. It is not constructed so that the teacher saw the bruise the child, and immediately comes to custody and it withdraws. No, first, work with parents, and if there is no change, then put on the account, check.
But it must be systematic, and approved protocols, which we would state worked together. Last week I wrote to the authorities a number of addresses and hope that the discussion will begin after all. The degree of violence in the society beyond, and if we don’t start to take action, then it only gets worse.