“The wife died and the husband continued to thump,” as co-dependency with an alcoholic leads the whole family into the grave

Russia ranked third in the world in the number of people dying from alcohol abuse. 43 thousands of women and 180 thousand men died for this reason in 2016. Such data are cited by the Global Times. In Russia there are fewer families, which are not affected by this trouble. And suffer, and die in the end, not only the addict, but also their relatives. About what is codependency and how dangerous is it we talk with the psychologist “Program of addicted “FAVOR”” at the coordination Centre for combating drug addiction and alcoholism the diocese of St. Petersburg by Konstantin Belousov.

Photo: www.russianlook.com

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While the wife is due for him at work, the alcoholic is no need to do something

Alcoholism is called chemical dependence. Konstantin Aleksandrovich, explain, please, what is this disease.

Konstantin Belousov

Chemical addiction is not just a disease of the body. Alcoholism, drug addiction and other chemical dependencies are recognized as bio-psycho-socio-spiritual model of the disease. The disease is primary, chronic, progressive and, in General, incurable. When a person loses the ability to drink alcohol, his brain irreversible changes. He can not be in the usual understanding of normal drinking man. Even if after a long and stable remission, he will start to drink alcohol, these chemical mechanisms will work again.

Through various programs, one of which we use – the person will recover. I want to emphasize that it is not to be treated, namely, to recover. He will be in the recovery process, and this process can last arbitrarily long, that is, all the time his condition will improve in all four aspects – I mean bio-psycho-socio-spiritual model.

As for the spiritual aspect, which I often see in my practice – people who abuse alcohol, are losing human values.

On what values is in question here? First and foremost, is family. Normal people value their wife, their husband, their children and all the family. An alcoholic is a person-an outcast who does not value his family. You can continue this chain and say that he doesn’t appreciate the team at work, he doesn’t value the friendship, he doesn’t appreciate God. He doesn’t have God in your life, because God is the one substance that he uses.

What is codependency?

My personal observation suggests that nazavisimyh people do not exist in principle. You know, there’s even a saying that a man has only one choice – a choice based on. There is nothing wrong, because you can depend on God. We depend on electricity and, in General, do not suffer from this.

But the codependency, which in this case is concerned, is considered to be still disease, psychological including spiritual. The presence of the family or surrounded by alcoholic makes a dysfunction in the life of the codependent. He begins to worry about the other person, about meeting their needs. But let’s not forget that the needs of the dependent distorted, more important to him than the alcohol than anything else.

However, when connecting, the codependent begins to smooth the corners, he advocatesthe – you know what they say, “the devil’s advocate”. The most common case, when families don’t wash their dirty linen in public. To speak to someone that I have a husband, son, relative, friend, an alcoholic, is not accepted. To say that my friend was ill with tuberculosis or diabetes – this is nothing serious. But the alcoholic is somehow wrong.

Wives of alcoholics to call you at work when husband can’t go, lying that her husband was ill, that he had a temperature, high pressure and so on. Smooth the corners and work in this case, the disease itself.

There is such an axiom, which I constantly misleading codependent on the group classes – while an alcoholic will not feel the consequences of his drinking, he to recover makes no sense.

There is a causal relationship: if a person is drunk, dirty, and it washed the pants – it makes no sense to react to it. If he was drunk and did not come to work and the wife called and said, you know, we have family problems, and thus protected him – it makes no sense to react to it. If he got drunk and injured, but the family paid money to not write about it in official documents, an alcoholic again, it makes no sense to do something. Why codependent people are in fact – on the side of alcohol.

Photo: Natalia Dorosh / journal.liberty.su

“I love you, but hate your illness”

A natural question arises – what to do?

Well, probably, primarily to separate disease from the person. The inability to do the most common mistake. Obvious, but not easy workable solution is to say to yourself and to the dependent person: I love you, but hate your disease. Sounds nice and simple, but to distinguish one from another is very difficult. For this you need to consult specialists, undergo some kind of therapy, to study the issue thoroughly, and it is unlikely I will be able in one conversation to fully reveal this aspect.

But the most important thing is to stop doing what I used to. When you come to me codependent and ask them to teach you how to do the right thing, I explain to them that I can’t give advice, because that way taking responsibility.

But at the same time I ask simple questions. What drink is your relative? I say: on the money. Good, but the rent he pays? At this point people often think. Then they say, well, you know, partially, but in General does not pay. And food gives money? And credits he has? And so on. It turns out that the codependent maintains the consumption of this alcoholic. So, you first need to stop pouring water on the mill of the disease.

It turns out that the dependent declines the responsibility that picks up codependent?

– In General, Yes. The codependent takes on extra responsibility, absolutely unnecessary. You can tell he takes care of the negative consequences of this use. That’s why it’s called a disease.

The root word here is “pain”. The alcoholic is not hurt by the fact that he drinks and codependent it hurts when he drinks his kin. This is the disease.

Many codependent it’s hard to explain. They often begin to say, “You teach us not to love our family members.” I have to go back and say the same phrase “I love you, but I do not like your illness”. If the person is codependent learns to separate one from the other, then he begins to live a normal, quiet life. However, it is not easy.

So, to help dependent and yourself, the best way to separate himself from the man, giving it to itself, and to get a life?

– Each case should be considered individually. I can’t give the same template for all. For example, the relationship between husband and wife is different from the relationship between mother and son.

So, the error of many mothers that they see their grown-up children of the child and thus develop in them a infantilism. Sometimes, a woman tells a long story about your son, then ask how old he is, it turns out: 38. The impression what she says about the man from kindergarten: here it is just disabled, lying on the sofa, watching TV, playing computer games, but he can’t, he needs to relax, have a drink, and she understands him, or he inspiration there. Here such paradoxical story. Developing infantilism, it is impossible to allow a person to grow up. It is also a simple axiom.

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You know, there’s this idea, which I share myself in my life aspire to it. Do I need to teach my children to do without me. So they grew up and were normal people. And many believe that children should always remain children, mom and dad need their nurture. This is one of the main mistakes, I think.

She believes she must bear this cross, but both go to the grave

What codependency is dangerous to humans? It is clear that an alcoholic could die as a result of his disease. And the processes that happen in codependent?

– Codependent person’s this injury that his relative is an alcoholic, and nothing can be done leads to his own internal crisis. Sometimes it just brings people to strokes, heart attacks, in my experience, there are such cases. Of my close friends wife died before the husband is an alcoholic. Just the stroke and the husband did not bother to call an ambulance. She died, and he continued to thump. And lived for another few years.

The disease is not outside it is inside. Of course, the codependent person needs to recover, as well as dependent. If the focus of the dependent – its substance, the focus codependent – its a sick relative. And he, if it be permissible so to speak, creates an idol, which, as we know, will not do. Co-dependent worships him, believes that he must bear this cross. Although they both go to the grave.

Photo: Pixabay

I know many cases when – mostly women – began to recover, step back, lined up the border and began to change, that is, get rid of codependency. When their cousin, who was drinking, saw that his wife (or sister or mom) is changing, no longer picks on him, absolve him, he had no choice, as something to begin to do with itself. Wash your pants, to cook, to pay their loans, are responsible for their lives. And then, of course, not always, but something was going on with the very dependent person.

I know one woman, now she’s all right, she began to recover under the program of co-dependency. She realized that she has her own life, and she’s not going to die because her husband was going to do it. In the end, the husband really died of alcoholism, she lives alone, but she has a child, she graduated from the Institute, watercourse.

What could be the first steps to healing from codependency?

– A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. If I did not admit his insolvency, I have nowhere to go. If I plead not sick, so I don’t need to be treated. One of the features of both alcoholism and codependency is denial of the disease. This is the first symptom.

If you ask any addict if he does not seem that he is an alcoholic, he immediately begins to push a bunch of reasons why you are wrong, despite the obvious facts. The same thing happens with codependent. Until you overcome this is denial – nowhere to go, no sense.

Good is a phrase that the spiritual life begins from the moment when man ceases to rely on his own strength and begins to hope in God. I think it is very appropriate to mention, because codependent, relatively speaking, often play the role of God. They believe that will save his relative.

But this disease is just not treated, and sometimes even doctors addiction succumb to alcoholism, there is given a certain minimum percentage of the recovery, if I remember correctly, no more than two percent. Because they treat the biological aspect – there is the dropper, and where to put the remaining three aspects? There is nothing they can do about it. And certainly nothing to do with this codependent man is a weak man. But with God’s help everything is possible. I see it in my practice.

Interviewed Ksenia Vohmintseva

The website “a Program of addicted “FAVOR””

The rehabilitation team dependent in “Vkontakte”

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