Parents want the best for their children but can’t always figure out all the pros and cons. Why to give the child to prestigious school and will not harm children parental ambitions – says child psychologist Anastasia Pelachyk.
Frame from the movie “the Little Princess”
- About the middle class and private school
- School: Orthodox or conventional?
- Refuse to learn the baby and focus on yourself – how to overcome fear of 1 September
- “Buy you a new portfolio with strazikami” – how to awaken the child’s desire to learn
Even if he loses the Olympics, but not lose interest
– Whether to give the child to a prestigious school?
– For my family where brought up as many as six students, the question “in what school to give the child” was and still is sick and relevant. For me personally, the private school – not a question of prestige, while it is clear that for many such schools – vanity fair. And for parents, because for kids it’s absolutely nothing. But there are two things that really work as an argument for private school, public school with profound studying of any subject and school “slant”.
The first is the personal characteristics of the child.
Every parent wants child to develop the maximum of their abilities. But to achieve the maximum possible in one case: if the child will help the adult, and to help individually.
In the mass school, of course, no one personality will not take into account. In the mass school, where classes are inflated, which often studying 25 people, just no resources to do so. Teachers do not have enough forces. Wrapped and tired, the teachers, the children generally “interfere with doing important work” to fill in the logs and to generate reports.
The parent also wants the child to have been realized and have achieved heights. Not heights in General, but personal that every child has their own. If the mentally retarded child finishes primary school at the secondary level, even in adolescence, this is a breakthrough, a real and an unqualified success.
And if a gifted child is engaged in mathematical Lyceum, albeit losing the Olympics, but thanks to the wise teachers will not lose interest in mathematics, continued with enthusiasm to solve problems of increased complexity is also a success.
Success may not be common place and the same for all height. Strap at everyone.
All my children are studying in special schools, because all attempts of our family to each of them developed in a secondary school, failed. Features, level of intelligence, creativity and skills in different areas all of my kids have different, if not to say diametrically opposed. My husband had someone to give to the school, someone in a private school, and someone in the school with advanced study of certain subjects.
– Yes, but if you give the child to the school with advanced study of chemistry or mathematics, but he does not have this ability, don’t we hurt him?
– I have the most mediocre memory, very bad. Working poor auditory canal. This is my personal characteristics. I absorb information visually. My parents sent me to language school with advanced study of Spanish. Over time, there is a second language, English. It was a disaster. I do a hard time with foreign languages. I can’t hear them, not feel (not to mention the memory issues), I find it hard to memorize words. Speaking everyday language, I am a pure naturalist, a mathematician. To study at a language school for me was torture. The fact that someone from classmates was easy: to memorize words, learn the expression, to copy, to repeat – for me it was daily hard labor, which lasted for ten years.
Ten years of daily effort in trying to remember and reproduce. And although I have not mastered Spanish, I’ve learned to work and to overcome yourself. This is the main success. I am grateful to parents that did not give me the district school near the house. Despite the lack of ability for languages, they ventured to give to the school, where not only took into account my personal characteristics, but also loaded so that I showed my maximum.
No matter whose name is school, important, what kind of people will surround
– Individual characteristics – it’s great, but what about the environment?
Is the second point, which plays a crucial role in choosing the school.
School age affects two age era. The first period lasts from 7 to 12 years. This is the era when the most important person in the social situation of development of the child becomes the teacher. The role of the teacher at this age is enormous.
We understand that in relatively elite schools claim, with tradition, with specialization in pay school or in high school to find a teacher that you trust, it is much easier. If you find in our school district the teachers with whom the child is calm, someone who will care, will provide security, including psychological, and most importantly, for the child will be an authority – it’s wonderful.
In elementary school generally need to be given, focusing on the teacher. If the person you like, close and clear, then the child will be well with him. No matter what school he works for.
In adolescence, the importance is not the teacher, and peers. From 7 th to 11-th class authority to become children who study nearby. Most often, secondary school, alas, becoming synonymous with “problem.” I live in Solntsevo. We have in mainstream schools close to home children from simple, often dysfunctional families. Surely this is a wonderful children they have, I hope, a great future, but in the class they broadcast the culture of the family from which you came. This culture for many children is traumatic.
I have repeatedly told a story about one of his sons. He punctually returned from school with bruises on her arms. It turned out that it bites the neighbor’s party. On the question, what makes at this time the teacher, he replied: “Turns away”. When I asked what you’re doing, it sounded humble: “Go, mommy, because if you sit in silence, he calms down faster”.
When I found out, I immediately wanted to take action. This did not allow my reasonable first-grader. “Mom, surely he had family problems – he said, – not from good life, people bite. And the teacher it might hurt”. For me this is the story that the environment in which man is a wolf, destroyed my own child. I had to get my son out of this school.
As a psychologist, I understand the conflict between children is normal, they are and will be in any school. But sometimes the environment and the environment in which escalation of the conflict inevitable.
Your child may be unable to cope with aimed at his aggression, lack of culture, the priority of other values, of which he was unaware.
In a different environment to blame for the conflict the child will come and ask for forgiveness, because “it was wrong and could not restrain themselves”. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would condemn a parent who wants the child collective, where children are able to reflect on their own actions and to find adequate solutions.
If we want that the child was comfortable, he was safe and no one has debunked something that was important to the family and our parent’s heart, if you want to be surrounded by close-minded views and people, if we do the important thing is who he spends his time, we choose a special school.
This can be a special school with advanced study of foreign languages, an Orthodox gymnasium or mathematical Lyceum. This is not a conversation about ambitions and prestige. This is a question about personal care and personal approach. This is a natural attempt of the parents to provide the child with a safe environment. Only. No matter whose name is school, important, what kind of people will surround my son or daughter with whom they constantly interact, with whom to grow up.
Are the family to pay for the transfer such a high price
– After that many will want to take the baby in his arms and send to the nearest special school. But not recklessly is because in the old school, he has friends, favorite teachers?
– The stress that a child experiences during the changing schools, the strength of feeling occupies the third place after the death of someone close or the divorce of their parents.
Repeatedly think, how appropriate, and whether the family is ready to pay such a high price that the child was among the other classmates. If parents understand that this will be child benefit, then we must act. To ignore the child’s affection for old friends and familiar conditions is impossible. We need to understand that changing even the worst schools on the best – always a huge stress.
Again, in elementary school is crucial the teacher. If a child with a teacher have a relationship, to transfer to another school because the current school doesn’t meet your high requirements, it is unreasonable and harmful.
Another thing – the teenager who tries to self-determination, for which the important question of career guidance. If he enters into a dialogue: “Mom, I want to be a programmer, I can help”, how could you not like his school, a transfer is reasonable.
Each new day confronts us with the choice. Or I use my parental authority alone, ignoring the needs and requests of the child because my opinion is the only correct one. Or consider the views of Chad, is not indifferent to his request, and only together we come to a decision.
Of course, the parent wants what’s best for the child, but may not always calculate the pros and cons. Here is one salvation: take a common decision in the dialogue.
Remember how he translated his thirteen-year-old son from school in private. In the district school, he almost did not go. Of nine months, was sick for seven. At school he was bored. He preferred to stay home and read books, including textbooks, but would not go to school.
I decided that at the private school he will be interesting. It will be possible to participate in math competitions, where he won’t push, take into account all its characteristics, and the lessons in it are like theatrical performances. All this “good” I tried to translate the child. In the old school he was in a tremendous amount of stress. All there seemed to him a terrible, dramatic and scary, although he is a hefty guy. New seemed at times worse than before.
The argument that reassured, was the promise: “If within the first half does not like it, I guarantee the return to the old school.” As soon as I promised him and only on him depends on where he goes to school, the son calmed down. It was hard for him at the new school, but it turned out that it was worth it. The school he attends and to return to the old plans.
Useful and secure is normally to choose for their child the best
– The ambitions of parents should not withdraw from the accounts. For many, school is status. If I am a top Manager of a large company, it is unlikely my child will not learn in an elite school.
– I have never met parents who choose a school on the principle of “prestigious – not prestigious”. In the end, not live in the nineteenth century to emphasize their status by such means. Today the school has nothing to do with a new step in the career ladder parents.
All sharp on the “elitism”, which us is very differently interpreted, still based on the principle benefits for a child and our financial capabilities.
Parents choose the school, evaluating them by two parameters. First, it is from the point of view of future your child will be helpful to learn it. Secondly, how safe and comfortable environment. It really is sensible and right.
It may seem that the attempt of some friends to put son in the best Moscow Matsalu or school, to pay which it is necessary to give the lion’s share of the salaries is meaningless and irrelevant. But, ironically, it is this form of care allows the parents of a child with a modest ability to stimulate to something bigger. It allows him to feel on the horse even in the absence of educational and cognitive activities.
I am convinced: the main thing – to decide these questions for each child individually. If stress because of the demands in a new place is so great it knocks the baby out of the rut, leads to neurosis, it is necessary to leave the venture. But, leaving the child in the swamp where he can go no need, you too, him use not bring.
One of my daughters with mental retardation. When we realized that she can’t learn in school, because it does not pull the program, we sent her to a correctional. But soon realized that our daughter is to be in the swamp. Daughter at that time, read, wrote, thought. The larger half of her class were non-verbal children. We could keep her in this school all twelve years. She finished her quietly sitting in the corner.
Of course, the teacher would be weaker children, and helped support first and foremost. And my daughter would feel wonderful, quietly smiling to the teacher, and occasionally the syllables reading “mom soap frame”. But we decided to increase the amount of stress your child. However, in such a situation to calculate the normal stress need sensibly. If given a daughter to a regular school, then the stress level would be so high that the child broke, broke.
We were looking for a compromise. It was important for us, on the one hand below her shook, demanded something, was waiting to she had for someone and stretch. On the other hand, that it was her. At the moment my fourteen-year-old child finished only four classes, but in a private school for healthy children. It was the best option and the Golden mean. Private school is not a special school, in which the word crooked scribbled and already an a student. This is not a school where a teenager must master the entire algebra course. At the private school my daughter has an individual program, it demands considering the features and capabilities of forces and level. She was allowed quietly to pass the program into primary school, regardless of age.
For children school is an important period of life. And this is not the only information they receive is the knowledge that I learn. Believe me, almost any parent would be enough education to give the child knowledge in the secondary school. But school is about environment, communication, peers, about the authorities (except my parents), which should be in the life of each of us. It’s okay if we choose for their children the best.