“Today I’m not going” – why children often don’t say their being bullied

Teachers and parents say to psychologists: “Do something”, and often do not believe that a child is something terrible. The child is silent and afraid, and then not stand up and takes a knife, as in the Moscow suburb of Zhulebino, threatening teachers and classmates. In the Smolensk region all ended even more tragic when the girl committed suicide, and as reported by the investigators, one of the reasons could be psychological pressure from classmates. The attempt to solve the problem after the tragedy turns into a search for the guilty: teacher, parents, psychologist, school, Internet. Is it possible the school life without bullying, how to help your child cope with bullying, and why trust in the family is the most important prevention, says Novokuznetsk psychologist, Gestalt therapist Olga Eremeeva.

Still from the film “Let me in”

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The teacher says, “Do something!”, while mothers still have to get through

– Olga, how do you think bullying in schools is a frequent occurrence?

Olga Eremeeva

– In the school system for bullying a lot of assumptions. It’s all built on the evaluation, and children will constantly compare who and what is the difference: who is more successful, and some less. You like everything or not? If teachers are to work for the humanistic objective that is enshrined in our schools is to develop child’s personality, individuality, to be mentors, advisors, as spelled out in the job descriptions of head teachers, the bullying may not be. However, under the current employment of teachers to develop class them almost once.

It is believed that educational work in the school affects the formation of the team, but in fact it turns out that all do one or two children, and the rest does not participate or offended that they were not asked to and did not allow to show itself. If we talk about communication in the classroom hours, I have not seen any where the children themselves would decide some moral issues. There are class hours when the class teacher tells what should be the form which braid her hair and who complain of the teacher.

– There are times when bullying is not, and its visibility is injected parents?

– Cases when the parents are exaggerating, too, but they are not as frequent. Lately I often see that the child is in need of help, and mom still must get through. Child’s lead only because his behavior has changed, decreased academic performance, and teachers say, “Do something!” I am often faced with parents who are busy and they are too busy, they hardly see their children and missing out. And there are those who have a child the center of attention, and any incident with it happening, they erect to the rank of something catastrophic. And actually paralyze the child, his activism, when a child says, “Mom, do not go to school!”

As usual the kids bullied each other?

– In different ways. Tease by last name, first name. For example, the name Sergey is a frequent object of ridicule. Growth, fullness or thinness, highlighting who and how dressed up (new or old, neat or messy), etc. are Often due to the brand of phone bullying experienced by boys. These are the little clues that the child responds to some funny for the company in a teasing way. It hurt, and he could not fail to notice, ignore it. The child “breaks out”, trying to respond to the actions of the offender bad words, begins to run after him, to cry.

This is the main purpose of bullying is emotional to get. As a child, if it happened, the emotion is difficult to stop. Children at the age peculiarities of the emotional sphere it is difficult to remain silent or to make a poker face. This is repeated one, two, three, accumulate emotions, then emotional breakdown occurs, which at first are afraid and in time subside. And then all over again. If a child in this situation will not grow spiritually, offenders again will be looking for that to hurt him.

Still from the film “Let me in”

Children say: “today I to school go”

– How to perceive the situation, if your child is being bullied? What questions to ask yourself?

– Children rarely say that they are being bullied. They are usually formulated differently, metaphorically: “today I’m not going”. It is therefore important that the parent set a note: “something’s happening to my baby” and tried to understand why this is so. Perhaps persecution is not, but the child doesn’t cope, he’s got something going on, and he really needs help.

The parent should say: “we Have to see what’s going on with my child that I know about it? I don’t know where can find out? What can I do to help him, to do no harm?”

However, the situation is always necessary to look wider than said child. I am not suggesting that we should not trust him. But we need to get as much information as possible to plan what to do next. I know the situation, when it required the intervention of the police, but the parents didn’t want anybody else to know, and they tried to handle it on their own. But it was at the expense of further injury to a child.

The situation can be solved in two ways: either due to the fact that the class changes or the child moves to another school and receive the necessary psychological support, and adapted there with another skill.

– What you need to do to parent, to neutralize this situation?

– First, it is necessary to notice. It so happens that parents for a long time do not know about. Now the relations between parents and children are built in such a way that between them there is some distance. Parents see the child is very small and have very few opportunities to talk formally and “heart to heart” – to find out what interested and he lives really are. Usually parents ask: “have you Eaten? The lessons are done?” or any other catchphrase, and all kind of talked. Because of this, it is very difficult to notice that something is wrong.

A parent begins to notice changes in the behavior of the child when there is already a lot of time and he is already in a depressed state, begins to snap, behave like something is wrong, that is, to show clearly that it is difficult. The child is aware that every day in school for him is torture, he did not want to go there. But to refuse to go to school, he still can’t.

Have to start doing parent to effectively understand the situation and solve the problem?

– The most important thing and the first thing he needs to do to protect the child, to remove it from those circumstances that are traumatic. Prior to a decision about what will be done, you can leave it at home. Contact should be kept with the class teacher, head teacher and Director. If there is a reaction of the class teacher and he can arrange assistance on your behalf (to talk to the class, with the instigators), connect a school psychologist.

– Teacher can do, or is required?

– It depends on whether it is written from the teacher’s official duties. When I worked as a school psychologist, my job description it was. I had to see these cases and to liaise with the class teacher, and the teacher had to tell me at the time that there is a conflict between the children. Social worker can also be connected to this situation.

But if the problem is not solved, it is necessary to continue to make it to the level of administration, etc. to attract the parents of the classmates of the child, but not that they solved this problem, and to affect children who are the participants of this situation. Because if the parents themselves are taken to solve these problems, the situation of violation of children’s rights when trying to protect a child, parent uchinyaet massacre of others.

There are teenagers who are very afraid to talk with parents

– Do you think teachers are ready to solve the problem of bullying? And in General if they perceive it as a problem or consider another indulgence of children, which will take place soon?

– This is a complex issue. I know: in every class there is a child who sooner or later turns out to be an outcast. But often these situations cannot really be described as harassment in the form in which they are described in the media. This little phenomenon that I think teachers see it too, and that’s exactly the case when it seems that children will understand themselves, do not interfere.

Photo: Olga Galkina / flickr.com

– Whether there is the possibility to miss the development of this situation when it escalates into harassment?

– Is. But I had a chance to chat with good teachers. They reacted correctly to what is happening. They spoke with parents, pupils, connected all those possible. When this is the case, children feel that the adults involved in the situation, and they become more restrained.

Home need to say to calm him?

– There are two issues here. First, it is necessary initially to create a relationship in which the child comes to parents with their problems. It is honest, trusting relationships when the child has no fear to come and tell that something is happening. Despite the fact that it is laid in infancy, affect your relationships at any age. Transfer them to a level where the parent tells the child that he will hear what he will come and will not criticize or oppress him, will remain on his side, whatever happens, is the task of parents.

But often we do not do it. Although such a relationship may be a chance that in case of trouble we will be able to learn about her and help in time.

Second, parents should develop the child personality, which is good and to commend themselves, their location, features, and which is able to build relationships with other people.

I believe that if there is a situation of persecution, it means the child’s personality, in his behavior there is a “blind spot”, which very much distinguishes it from the guys the reference group in which it is located.

And it is a signal that quality or behavior should be developed.

– How can I do that?

– How we build self-esteem? It’s not just words, this is the opportunity to experience his power (“I can do it myself”) that we give the child a space where he can try yourself, make mistakes and analyze them together with their parents. The second point – the child must understand that he lives in a world of people, and should not be stuck on himself. What you need to be able to cooperate with other people to realize that they are all different and not like what he is. That all people has its own characteristics and people are not similar to each other. It’s okay to be different.

Let’s say we raised a child with self-esteem, with a tolerant attitude towards others. Will it be a guarantee that the child will not become a victim of bullying?

It will be a prevention that it will not, because he will see who are close to him and how these people interact. The child will have good support at home, and he will less be influenced by these people: do not join those who poison, will be able to protect yourself if there are any attacks. Such a child will have built a clear system of psychological protection than those children who do not have support in the family. He will not have such weak points that you can get.

– What you say, it’s a job for the future. What to do if the child needs help here and now?

– Need to talk to him and try to learn all the details of the harassment. With whom, what the situation is, and to find out the problem is much wider. The most important thing – to react, and in any case not to dismiss it: “Oh, nonsense.” Be sure to listen. There are teenagers who are very frightened to talk to parents about what they are doing. And then, when it is impossible to endure, there is a failure, and only then the parents, the teachers know about it.

If you imagine that a parent listened to the child, did not attack him, he was guilty, and told him the algorithm for further action, the child understands that he is not one and all is under control.

– What would you advise to children to victims of bullying?

– Children I always say: your parents are those people that you have to go in any situation. Even if they get you derision and are saddened by what is happening, in any case, they will not turn away and will solve the problem. So if you’re scared to ask for help and admit that you still need to get over this fear.

Often children have to say about their rights: nobody has the right to force, to beat, to pick up their things and humiliate. If people do, then it is wrong and it should not be. A must to protect yourself.

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