Twisted love is how sincere feelings combined with violence

Why the love for spouse and children is incompatible with violence, but often combined with it, and where we draw the line beyond which begins the invalid – reflects Archpriest Igor Prekup.

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Archpriest Igor Prekup. Photo: Stanislav Moshkov/

In connection with horrific incident in a priest’s family, the network went a heated discussion of the topic of family violence. Very good interview gave Pravmiru father Andrei Lorgus, found very exact words to Express the horror and sorrow over the incident of trouble… And aroused against himself a wave of indignation. No he is a psychologist, no! And why? Because he allowed himself the following statement: “the peculiarity of the family of crimes that are hidden. Participants – victims and perpetrators – are sticking together, do not want and are afraid of publicity, hide the violence from the law, from people, from the Church. Why? Because all the parties love each other as I can. Love and at the same time cause each other pain.”

Honestly, I too was inspired by this generalization, because any number of examples where hiding the violence, not because of love, and for a variety of reasons. It’s a bit poppenreuth the author, but the reaction of some friends on FB struck me. Everything before and after said father Andrew, as if does not exist, all the headlines with the conclusion of love as the cause of the concealment of evil.

How dare he this perversion called “love”?!! He, therefore, justifies domestic violence!

And if don’t see that immediately after that father Andrew said: “the trouble is that if we are silent about the crime, we encourage. We encourage it also, if you do not accept and turn a blind eye to the situation leading to the crime.” Where is the violence? On the contrary, the mere utterance aloud by the cleric of the Russian Orthodox Church, the phrase “family violence” is almost tabooyoung officially sounds oppositional-defiant.

I can understand the outrage by saying that the participants of family violence, including victims, to hide what is happening, because they love each other. If we understand love as an uplifting sacred feeling, these words sound almost blasphemous. In fact, what can be the total love and whatever abominations?! For example, love and violence. Even think it’s disgusting… Not to mention the sexual violence that, in my opinion, nothing like that is blasphemous abuse of God’s design merge in one flesh. Is it even possible to imagine that the love is compatible with whatever moral pressure, humiliation, cunning manipulation, psychological or physical coercion? Love and the slap, love, and spanking, love and insult, love and cry, love and curses, love and humiliation?!!..

No, if something is compatible with this nightmare, not love.

And now throw me in Slippers, but I’ll tell you a terrible thing. Argue the statement of father Andrei Lorgus right. It is only in form too, in my opinion, generalizing. There, in my opinion, not enough specifying “often”, “often”, at least “generally”. The authors sometimes this sin: I write or give interviews with the expectation that the reader will interpret their texts in the context of their own personality and common sense articles and speeches, “default” rightly assuming that the author is not a supporter of domestic violence and knows that often there is no love there on the part of a victim and, as noted by one of the replying to him, just fear planted abuterol.

But not such a nightmare situation when husband and wife no feelings there, and that was not, and nothing but fear keeps the family from obvious decay, as if the feelings there, but at the same time… Or when children love, but from weakness to educate by precept and personal example, “tear up as a gray goat.”

So love it or not

Just to clarify only that violence violence strife. Well, you will agree that, for example, to take revenge on his wife, abused her, or hitting, is not the same as a slap to the son-the teenager, for example, for the insult done to the mother. Yes, I agree that in the second case, you should be able to explain, not to dissolve the hands, I agree. I do not about what is good, and that is equivalent to these actions? Meanwhile, both covered by the concept of “family violence”.

Not so easy is to capture where we draw the line beyond which begins to be incompatible with love and is invalid in any case. And crossing that line, people will inevitably deteriorate mentally.

To say that, before her cross, he has already lost the love, will be a great simplification. In fact the tragedy of many such families that there is. And understanding of husband and wife that any feelings between them is still there, confuses them, giving hope to rectify at the expense of internal resources. But this is unlikely. If they came to such a life, they need professional help because they are mentally crippled people. Both.

So love it or not, when they “cover each other, do not want and are afraid of publicity, hide the violence from the law, from people, from the Church”? The idea of father Andrew clearly sounds that he said that “all the members love each other as I can.” How can!

How can love sin-sick people? Right, just barely.

And I’ll ask opponents to father Andrew: and that violence is the only evil that is incompatible love? Or love is incompatible with sin? I wonder if those same people who are rightly outraged by the violence, claiming that about any love there can be no question whether to resent, for example, a combination of love with adultery? Of course, if it’s not about some vulgar affair on the side, and on the occasion when I met people like made for each other… And there is no strength to resist this feeling, but also the families of both, and to the second legal “parts” also some feelings there (it happens).

Is this love? Most likely, the answer will be positive, but then the counter question: and what is love if it is compatible with evil? Or adultery is not evil?..

Everything is much more complicated in life. Don’t remember whose is this statement: “With Apple love is part of the worm adultery.” It’s the same with any other sin, including violence: the sin-distorted love them mutilated, eaten, mixed with sewage, but… “so, here, love, Lyudka…” Deformed people deformirovanie and love.

Incongruous incompatibility

Here we are outraged, even allowing for the idea that love is compatible with violence (though in the first, though the second of the above options). Well, that outraged. Pure love, Holy, alien even the shadow of violence, coercion, rudeness, the infliction of pain, but… Did generations of our ancestors didn’t know what love is? But physical punishment (which, again, all included in the category of “family violence”) were in the order of things. How then to be with the thesis of the incompatibility of love and physical punishment? Maybe incompatible, but actually combined.

Let’s not forget that a large part of the children growing up in families, not sophisticated in the rhetoric. And there is a very small choice: or to explain means that is to accompany verbal non-verbal, and even restrict the latter, in moderation, without abuse and in time, or to allow the child to grow like a weed. What’s worse: if the parents in time the child will discourage, for example, torture animals, or exhausted the verbal arguments, helpless shrug, not daring to try “old-fashioned ways”? I’m not asking which is better. Which is worse?..

Here is an example.

Actor N, origin of the Pskov peasants, recalled that he came, the Soviet pioneer, once out of school after another brainwashing, and something blasphemous blurted out whether the icons in the house, whether about the Church or something on this topic. It was in the yard. When his father, who was busy on the farm (I think the fence mending). He calmly took the material at hand – long, not too thick but sturdy stick and punched between the shoulder blades, the teenager, saying: “to believe or not Believe is your business. But don’t blaspheme”.

You can certainly begin to speculate: but if he said the same to him tenderly, well, or strictly, but still no kinoprokata, you see, his son still would have repented tearfully, and became a believer-previousy. I do not know. In any case, the actor N I am confident that this session of the people’s NLP imprinted in him the simple truth, so concisely articulated by the father.

However, it is important to pay attention to the serious danger lurking in this component of folk pedagogy.

If a child is beaten, but the love, he comes to learn that love and violence compatible.

Weakens self-esteem, through which man is able to respond urgently to violence towards themselves – even physical, though the psychological.

Do not accustom children to pain and resentment

True that abusalama live only those who like it. I mean, sure, sometimes, but not always. In many cases, suffering from physical or/and psychological violence women want a normal attitude. But why did they choose those girls?

First, I assume that sometimes you just triggered a kind of model of family relations, read and learned in childhood. Let this model do not like, may not want to repeat the experience of parents in his life, but it “has its own, native”, and subconsciously desire to the man who is recognized as “own” (in this case, as a rule, there is no understanding, what it seems).

However, there is also the situation where the choice is made in favour of a person not prone to violence, but that in the process of development of relations is changing. For example, my friend who hated the child’s father for his hype, in the relationship with her husband, not located to command and yell, shows the inability to respond to comments made in a calm tone, as if needing periodic thrashing.

Second, even without this vicious predisposition, the effect of the above-mentioned habit of the compatibility of violence with love. I remember the tragic fate of one of my parishioners, only, perhaps, the lack of which was the inability to choose husbands. He was twice married, and one worse than the other. I am a long time could not understand how this woman could put up with rudeness and physical violence of her first husband (the second was psychological violence), why in the first bit level, not gone, why after the first slap is not troubled so that future relations become impossible, as understood not at once that it’s not love (Yes, I remember what was said just above), if such a man affords? And then, after listening to her stories about her childhood, seem to have realized.

Mom loved her very much. She fell into the hungry fainting, and fed her oranges and beef tongue, defended the daughter constantly and to all, a home was raised by means of which the preferred was patient, smart instruction well, and when it seemed to her that the child does not understand words… a belt or a hose from the washing machine was in the course strongly and violently. The girl in such cases is suffered in silence. No tears. Character – it is, of course great, but…

It is clear that good parents care first and foremost about ensuring that their children grew up good people, but, my dear, stay sometimes “bad” parents, and work to promote self-esteem of your children.

Please don’t accustom them to pain and resentment from the battering, violence, because they love you, but because for them the pain, the hurt, the beatings are quite compatible with the relations in which all this should not be!

Tell them how great they are, accustom to value the talents, abilities, and positive traits!

Not to bring up the contemptuous scoundrels, and that they from an emotional hunger not rush to embrace those who pay attention to their real or imaginary advantage (in General, just pay attention), a little bit of praise, and then admire something in them. The self-criticism (normal) can be cultivated only in the context of moderate, not low self-esteem.

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