“We were spoiled, but not really”

While they were little, people were ready to meet any of their whim, to distract from the memories of the attack. But the survivors became survivors children adults and adults take care of themselves. Than live those who came from hell, and what I think of his ruined wall 14 years later.

Inal

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“Why me? Why is my school?”

Inal Kanukov sits on a concrete slab in front of the gym and tries not to look at him, and covered with gravel on the ground. Before him is an empty window openings is the first Beslan school, in 14 years of grass, followed by the heavy memorial stone. Black letters on a red marble on the wall lists the names of all the 334 victims.

– How many of these people did you know?

– Many. Kanukova Angelica know. Kantemirova, you know, is my classmate. With Anzhelka, which is third from bottom, 91 birth, we at the same Desk sat.

To the school or the cemetery where his friends, Inal comes not often, only on days of mourning, because to be here for them, that is, for the survivors, it is the duty, right and anywhere they can these days, except at school. Inal, even when I was in St. Petersburg, beginning of September trying to hold in Beslan. He came for only one year, and all of the year inside ached and burned, as the fire. At any other time, here, about school, seriously. Here we have to think about how you live and why you live.

– Now it’s easier not to live. Easier not to think, to work. And there – oops – and time stops. No one wants to…

Once I was driving once again to study to Petersburg – I had serious problems at the University – and I one of my senior said – Inal says “big”, because in Ossetia so called grown men. – His son died at school, he told me: “You owe this University to finish because you are not only learning for yourself, you learn and for my son.” That’s me motivated. So here it happens. Come gain strength, to ask God, I guess.

While Inal chooses the correct words to talk about what still hurts, the school stops the machine. A couple, probably tourists, through North Ossetia, passing into Georgia, go to the gym. The woman give a short shorts – none of the locals dared to come here as don’t come in shorts to a temple or Holy place is revered among the Ossetians of the sanctuary.

– When people come here just to see you what?

– It is normal. I would have gone if passing through. Imagine the whole world talking about it, and I’m with you here, step. How not to go?

Sometimes I can’t believe, you know? Look in your school come. I mean, why in my school is it? Why me? This question was, but only initially.

Like, why here? Not to another town or something.

– But then you get used?

Nothing will be done just like that. When you start to understand it, then it becomes easier.

– What do you feel when you are here?

– The gym? It’s hell, in the truest sense of the word. Hell on earth. Only then was hell for three days, and there, they say, is forever, no end in sight.

– Do you think you and the guys who have gone through this, you differ from their peers?

– Yes, they are. Our life was divided into before and after, and now as if man neither wanted, no matter how he hid, that will not be erased from memory. All here – Inal taps with a finger at a temple When one on one with a people, then understand that you will not deceive yourself. Sometimes, their covers, you’re watching these videos, you start in “Vkontakte” in YouTube to watch documentaries, maybe something you haven’t seen. You’ve already seen everything, but still trying to find something.

In the autumn Inal was about in grade 7, and day was the same as it is now, when he was 26 years. Although it was September, but the first number, consider the summer, in thoughts more holidays, it seems like just yesterday played with the boys in football, and around everything was in bloom, and even the tops of the trees rustled green leaves. And exactly as it is now, as we speak, in the school yard, are now always empty, the boys chase the ball, and Inal lived in his hometown of Beslan without fear and dreamed of becoming a footballer.

– The truth is that everyone remembers their place there, where he sat?

– Yes, of course. Three days are given time to remember where you were sitting. I remember every step, as we were driven. I recently told someone: “Remember when you shot, who was there?” And someone says to me: “I was there, I’m with you was”. The entrance to the gym was there, too, Inal points somewhere to the side, but I don’t have time to follow the direction of the hand, because look at him, how calmly he talks like no muscle on the face, gives it emotion. – We get there we run, there is a small space, the hall was closed, so people crowded at the door. Action could not pass to her that the door burst open, and began to shoot in this small room, we were stunned.

And recently someone told me: “I’m with you was”.

And this line here it was, right where we sit. When the terrorists came, we ran around back, fired and shouted: “In the gym all!” Those who were with the side with the edge, they managed to escape, and we were standing in the middle. I did not understand what was happening. Didn’t understand who these people are.

– Your parents probably were here all three days, near the school?

– Not about school, no one was here. They have it and scared that no one knows. Even going to the Loo in those classes, I look out the window and no one is around, and you think, damn, do people not know about it? They [the terrorists] said, “You are not wanted, look, there’s nobody there”. Psychologically it broke.

Like in nature no one needs you. Like even at home no one knows what’s going on. Connection, not with anyone. Only when he ran out, we realized how serious it is, until the helicopters flew, and the whole army were here, and people million people.

– There, inside, helped, where force took to endure?

– I say simply, not really. We now have options in life: I want to learn, want to trade, want taksi. I mean it when I say that in Ossetia there are no jobs. There’s always something you can think of, and there was no one else.

No, fear, of course, all of it. But people never thought about it, – Inal repeats again and again “person,” as if talks about someone else. – He thought he was now released, and everything will be fine. And then there was so painful was that people were not afraid even of death. Think or die, or die already, but that some decision was too long.

I have in St. Petersburg asked when there blew up a plane: “what do you think, what is it? What is the attack at all?” I didn’t know how to explain what a terrorist attack.

The people who died there, you know, for them it was instantly. And we still have time to think, to reflect. Not from us, adults. And we, it turns out, now I do.

“The Pope? Oh, I’m not going”

On line Inal went together with own older sister, but all three days could not find her, even just to meet her gaze. The hostages were scattered around the gym, it so happened that Inal was sitting next to her albino Setevoy and her daughter Zarina, Bunny, affectionately spoken in Ossetia.

– Albina saved me. We took away the phones. Said, if we can find a phone from someone else, this man first kill and another 10-20 people sitting around it. We believed they do, because they already killed three people. Somewhere four hours later, when all the phones were broken and were confident that no one here there’s no connection, I find under my foot great Nokia as now I remember him.

– Not yours, right?

– No, not mine, don’t know how it got there. I told about the phone albino. She asked the rabbit to take his shirt off and wrapped it in a phone. We had to get rid of it. While one gunman turned away, she threw him forward into the gap, where they passed between hostages – corridor so they made them. The other noticed it. Ran, brought her, they put her on her knees, already reloaded the shutter. I thought Albina now because of me will die. But the Hare cried, “Mama!”. Apparently, something worked. Whatever animal it may be, it is not initially the animal was born. And he pushed her away, kicked butt, but never touched.

All three days I was with her, sleeping on his right leg, and her daughter on the left. She watched us, and watched. On the third day I saw my sister. We sat on the side, on the right, and the sister in the center, and she invited me over to join her. I didn’t want, on the contrary, her name to us, but Albina was told to do as she says. I walked into the center, and 15 minutes later there was an explosion. All who sat in the place and Albina with the Bunny, too, they died.

When I got out, immediately began to look for Albina, the parents said: “Where they find them”, and they deceived me, probably didn’t want to hurt even more. But then I saw the 40-day notice, – on local TV still advertise that relatives and namesakes who in South Ossetia the same thing and relatives are invited to the remembrance. – Then I do not speak at home with anyone. They deceived me, and I thought, Albina Bunny alive. I thought we will see each other again.

– How did you manage it? It helps that, as they say, along with the Beslan was the whole world?

– I’m one of the first probably flew from Beslan. 31 September was another month had passed, and we flew to Italy. The Pope, then it was John Paul II invited us. He wanted to see a boy and a girl, two someone though, because he knew that the group now can not collect. I didn’t want to go, to be honest. I say: “the Pope.” I said, “well, I’m not going”.

Then they realized that I love football, and Italy is famous for its football teams: “You want to be the team AC Milan saw you to meet with Juventus?” I said, “I’m flying. If football, I’m flying”. Mike Shevchenko and the ball, Juventus still have me lie.

Back in Italy, I felt that with Beslan, the whole world. In Turin it was a concert, we were invited, there were a lot of spectators. In one moment of time everything fell. I knew that something was happening, but didn’t believe that it’s because of us, and then on the big screens began to show the fragments of the attack. When all these thousands of people rose up, that’s when I felt that I was not alone. Yes, it helps.

At the age of 12 you were aware of?

– Yes, of course. 12 I was?

– If you now 26.

– January 6, my birthday. 12.

– I don’t know how to count.

– Also I am not a mathematician.

– You’re an economist.

– I’m not a mathematician and not an economist. I miraculously graduated from the University.

– At least diploma do you have?

Grandfather showed him, and all free.

And with him, with mom, with family you’re talking about the terrorist attack?

– Grandfather died four months ago. He was a journalist and wrote the book “the Story of Beslan”, but we haven’t talked about it.

– But with her sister? She, it turns out saved you.

– No. Never.

Why?

Such as to say, intimate affair. The correct expression?

Personal, Yes.

Personal. Anyone. It is inside each of you lives. There are people who can talk about it, and I probably can’t. Today is the first time.

After those events it was hard to stay in the city?

At that time our every whim was fulfilled in a jiffy. If it was hard, I would say that I want to live there, somewhere poked, and I’m pretty sure I’d have been taken there. Just then we lived and thought. Only now, in adulthood, the person begins to understand how it was that serious. Need a person to think, how to live a good life.

– How?

– To believe. You have to believe in God.

– Remember back to a normal life, began to go again to school?

– We have not had a normal life. We constantly up and down twitching. Consider, in seventh grade I moved, and before the 10th we did not study properly. Could one trip to come and a week to go to another.

You needed it then, or was it unnecessary?

We didn’t realize we need it or not. We are well, where we carry, we have something new look. We’re a small, fun we had. As if distracted, the feeling.

As my friend says, people have had no control, could go with lessons if you want. With him already not to swear, right? Spoiled us. But it was not.

– The city has changed, it has changed after those events?

– Yes, of course, for the worse.

Is there?

– To understand this, you have to live here.

– Try to explain, please.

– Do not explain.

I heard many say that Beslan ruined material issues.

– About them and speech. People thought it would be different. The first two or three years thought it would be different, and then it started this.

– Why in this case did not remain in St. Petersburg?

– My small homeland here, so, probably – tells Inal, and thinking a bit, adds: Yes, in fact there does not work out, so he returned home. But here, too, is not obtained.

– How do you see your future?

– Want to be an astronaut!.. I don’t know. I still do not see myself. Everyone tells me I did well with tourism. Don’t know whether they’re lying to me.

– Now forgotten act of terrorism, less about that say and write.

– Well, forgotten.

And here, in Ossetia?

– Of course. We have not forgotten, and to me personally.

– Yes?

Yes. If not forgotten, I’d be the perfect person.

In childhood, before the attack, a favorite place of Inal in the city were wrestling hall in the culture House, because the boys there trained and actually taught people to be a good athlete and a real man Totraz Archegov; and another Park with a large Ferris wheel. Now there is neither the room nor the Ferris wheel. The world was ready to give all suffered Beslan, but it was enough only for a medical centre, two new schools and a cemetery, and even a temple in the name of martyrs in the yard of the destroyed school not completed.

On the outskirts of the city, when we left behind a school and Church, and a one-story brick houses with roofs, covered with slate, and rails, which are now slowly, chewing grass, cows, and after six will fly the train “Vladikavkaz-Moscow”, is the school “sports Betting”. Inal adds:

– Want something about the attack to ask? Go. Half of those now standing there, was at school.

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