“Listen mother, who never wants me to marry a loved one? Or anyway to marry him, and she then ends up in the hospital with a pressure…” “Pravmir” publishes answers to questions of young people about relationships with their parents. Meets Metropolitan of Limassol Athanasius.
- “If I tell father, he’ll kill me” – really teenagers so bad
- Yesterday was angel, today has turned into a tyrant – but the problem is not the child, and parents
- If universities taught “forgetting their own children” – no mother learned
- Until morning, the boy prayed under the bed, so his parents reconciled
Whatever it was, he is your father
Sometimes, as much as audacious as it may sound, God Himself allows us to fall, to hurt, to hurt, to experience pain; sometimes He even allows sin to our heart softened and became more merciful, more merciful toward other people when they are suffering, or sin.
One Holy man really wanted to understand why God allowed the denial of Peter. And the truth is: it God was not sorry for him, the first of the apostles? Surely He couldn’t somehow keep him from renunciation?
And the Holy had the answer. The fact that the Apostle Peter had such strong faith and such a hot nature that if at the time he did not stumble, renouncing Christ, then, being a fervent and zealous person, would not be able to understand other people. Being strict and categorical – primarily in relation to himself, Peter would not know mercy, do not understand that others are not like him, the chief Apostle, and ordinary people with their weaknesses.
And God has departed from Peter. God hath his fall, and thus showed him that is a man – so that over time, Peter began to understand and truly strengthen others.
Therefore, if the family problems, the need for good, by his example, making every possible effort to help parents, but first and foremost to protect ourselves, through prayer and hope in God.
And another thing: try not to make this mistake – one to justify, and the other to blame. It’s our parents and one another, and the father and mother. And if the father has some mental problems – whatever it was, he is your father. It is impossible to renounce. If a child rejects a parent, it will be worse not only second but also first. Happens the distortion of the inner world. After all any child needs is not to lose touch with their parents – and not only with parents, because the child’s soul peculiar harmony. And when this harmony is disturbed, begin unpleasant consequences: diseases, complexes, loneliness. It is therefore very important to maintain inner balance and harmony.
Being a parent is a big responsibility and sacrifice. Yes, the parent sacrifices themselves for the sake of the child and dying for him every day, every hour. Sad when parents do not understand – do not understand the need of self-denial for the sake of the children, and start talking about their rights to wait from the child of gratitude, or to be offended.
It’s a real tragedy when parents hear from son or daughter some unpleasant words, begin to resent and swear in response. Of course, how dare he say that to me? And begin the claim – to God, to others.
Take your plugs back in and go!
Once to the well-known Athonite elder (I think it was elder paisios) came the father of a little girl and began to tell that to his daughter, pupil of Junior classes, the senior boys showed what is called an unhealthy interest. Anything terrible did not happen, but was an attempt – so to speak. And now this man was sitting at the elder and complained:
– Geronda, can you imagine what he did to my daughter!
What did he do with your daughter?
– He wanted to do so-and-so?
– He did something?
– No, but I tried!
– Well, he wanted. But the Lord has saved your girl, and nothing happened!
– Yes, but could happen! The child is now traumatized for life!
– Son, Yes, it happened, but what to do now? Why do you always talk about it, instead of being happy that it wasn’t more terrible?
But isn’t it awful that poor child…
Awful, Yes. Really horrible. I’m not saying that it is not terrible.
But why did God allow this, since it’s awful?
– Why do you think only about what He made, and do not think about the fact that He did not allow more?
In General, the conversation lasted half an hour. And then you know what this person said?
Two years I prayed every day of the Holy unmercenaries Cosmas and Damian, lit candles before the icon, so they were protecting my daughter. Two years! Why didn’t God protect her? I have so many candles set!
And then the elder said to him:
– Take your plugs back in and go! Go-go get two pounds of candles and let’s end this conversation, because with your candles you just complain instead of thanking God for the fact that something worse happens. Jumped at the chance, and sit there.
People unwittingly used to always be dissatisfied with something, instead of seeing God’s blessings. And if it happened, if in the habit of not thanking God, always to be dissatisfied, – then cease to thank not only God, but the spouse and parents – all. And in the end only one complaining, and the situation is getting worse and worse.
Oh, those mothers with blood pressure.
– If parents wish I did something, and I don’t want – how can I be?
– Indeed, very often the parents (and here, in Cyprus, the majority) want too much from children. With them, the poor, at the time of their parents also has looked, so they try their best: only child out of the school after school – and they are already waiting for him, one in the car, and the music. Comes with music is immediately driven to swimming, with swimming – somewhere else… Torture of children. They live in constant stress because of children too stress to drive.
I have previously told you. Parents have very high standards for their children, they suppress them, do not give freely to breathe. Well until a small child: he walks and walks from one circle to another. And well, when, becoming older, he continues to do so – realizing that this is good for him. And if not?
If the child with the correct parents, a good relationship, if not disturbed inner balance, if he respects, loves father and mother, you will be able to deny them. There are times when it is even necessary.
And though parents grieve such denial, disagreement with their opinion, the child will be able to do that is good and right.
Give a simple example.
A young man and a girl love each other, want to get married. But the girl’s mother was a lady waiting for her daughter to the Prince on a white horse, can not accept the fact that her little girl will get some kind of “type” begins to repair a thousand obstacles. As a result, young people come to us, the clergy, for advice.
– Father, what do I do? Listen to mother, who never wants me to marry a loved one? Or anyway to marry him, and she then ends up in the hospital with a pressure…
Oh, those mothers with blood pressure. Did you know that many of them go to the hospital when they need to, and the pressure they have increased “need”…
What can I say? And that’s what.
You need to listen to anything you say mom. All she wants to say – let him speak. Listen to her seriously, carefully, and then properly think over her words. And not just once, but several. But if it becomes clear that her arguments are not convincing, or because she does not know everything; or because he thinks you deserve something else; or because he wants to see you wife someone else will have to say firmly: “No, dear mother, do not be”.
You must do as your conscience dictates, the day I became an adult. Because there is such a thing as boundaries, and respect for parents does not imply suppression of his personality. It is impossible that a father or mother deprived of liberty her child, suppressed his identity. Since God gave man freedom, He respects this freedom gives you the right even to repudiate It, despite the fact that and then have to pay. Yes, even such a right you have. And parents should imitate our heavenly Father, recognizing the child’s right sometimes not listen to what we say to him.
If you’re calm, level-headed people here and to wait, to be patient. Give it time – a year, two, three. If you keep a good relationship with their parents, it helps them view change in the right direction. Time will pass and they will understand you.
But the advice of parents should be treated very seriously
I purposely gave an example of a “extreme” situation. In most cases the advice of parents should be taken very seriously – because no matter what we do, in the world there is no man who would have loved us just as they are. The exception here is only the saints. Love the spiritual above the carnal. But parents need to give love, much love.
I know that many parents have unhealthy ideas and prejudices. But whatever it was, deep down we have always to justify – after all, they are driven by love. And what man does is very important. Matter of malice he says that, or the other, or opposite from love. Someone can us to praise and to please, but does it not because he loves (although his actions to us is very nice), and some bad, evil reasons. And another person, and abuses and offends us, and always argue with us – but we all forgive him because we feel his love. Therefore, parents should be condoned.
Unfortunately, there are times when God’s will meets the will of the parent. And here it is impossible to recede there is no place for compromise. God is the absolute truth, He is above all. Everything else fades into the background.
And very often the love of children to their parents (or Vice versa – parent love) leads to mutual tragedy for the rest of my life. While temporary differences and enmity (especially if we are talking about the will of God) often have beneficial effects. Parents may scold the child, to force him or even threatening, forcing to resist the will of God, but the time will come and God will prevail in their hearts.
Translation Yelizaveta Terentyeva for the portal “Orthodoxy and the world”