Green hair and piercings, tattoos and sex, drugs, alcohol, zacepilo, police record, computer addiction, shooting classmates, suicides. Any odd, inappropriate, deviant behavior of adolescents condemned. These children are called hard, their parents – are to blame. To understand the causes of difficult growing up tried the psychologist Inna beekeeper (all stories generalize teen practice of a psychologist, that sort of coincidence by chance).
- Teenagers in the Church
- Teenagers. The most difficult subject of love
- Troubled Teens
- These crazy Teens
- Why today’s teenagers are “prickly”?
The first story: sex in 12 years
These children are studying in good schools, go to courses and clubs. With cognitive activity they are all fine. Seemingly successful and intelligent, great companions. But once it turns out (I’ve heard these stories from people of all ages: from teenagers and from adults when reminiscing their childhood traumas), at twelve had his first sexual experience.
Even by today’s standards is super early. Twelve years is not the age when sexuality is well-formed, even growing up and becomes obvious. Even sadder, when not due to financial need or compelling circumstances, and because of the rigid internal protest, adolescents can begin to engage in prostitution.
What is the reason?
Usually it turns out that these children are faced with emotional contact. They are looking for but can not find adequate support in adults. No, it’s not bad parents that “something is wrong and not doing something with your kids”.
As a rule, parents of such children are seriously invested in quality education: looking for the best school, strong teachers, did not skimp on Tutors and additional classes. Children are taught that they are waiting for one of the achievements, results, success.
But the trouble is that at this time the children needed a different form of care: in a warm nest, where will accept you, and any failure will be too.
Quite often, early sexual experience occurs in those who are in elementary school grass. One had a relationship with the first teacher. For some reason the child did not like it. She supported him, and boggabilla and extruded.
Early sexual experience is a strange way to search for human closeness and warmth. Experience utter failure, traumatic, according to most interlocutors. Sex and warm intimate relationships – and this is the same or different stories? Alas, the child really does not understand and tries. This negative experience falls on unformed values and grows in man.
What are the consequences?
As a rule, such children are (seemingly) starting to hate myself for this experience. They have a negative attitude to your body personality. Begin to destroy themselves in different ways. Self-destruction is systematic. Some begin to use alcohol and drugs, others cut hands. Children try to do something with hatred.
However, cuts his hands today, every third teenager. Not to suicide, and to not feel emotional pain. When really sick hands you don’t notice what really hurts the soul.
Are parents not to blame?
Not rabid to blame the parents in connivance. But not the last role is played by the readiness of adults to career and formal the picture when “looks all right, learns well from school not expelled, well, nice”. There were a number of cases where the cause of early sexual relationships were hard (over-strict) parents. They resorted to physical punishment, but rather helplessness, of despair, of not knowing how to behave.
The cases that I have encountered in practice, and come to me extremely difficult children, did not originate in families where parents systematically beat children. This usually occurred in families where the emotional life of children of parents are just not concerned.
The teenager needs to support intimacy, warmth. Unfortunately, adults do not take this into account, forget, miss. And then the child lives in an draft, is experiencing a monstrous spiritual deficit and heat-seeking where to find him should not be.
The second story: just sitting at home, locked the door
The child stops going to school. Exactly. House sat down, the door to the room locked, entrenched. Blackmail with these children is not working, not afraid of their threats to the parents, saying, “leave in the second year”, “graduate”, “from school’s out, become a janitor,” not afraid of even the Commission on Affairs of minors. Child not afraid of nothing and nothing works. No one comes into contact for weeks or even months.
What is the reason?
At some point in the fifth or sixth grade, children have an serious fracture associated with learning and adapting to new requirements.
Was elementary school teacher. Only one. Her requirements were clear and understandable. She pulled the children to contact, gave adequate job, monitor their implementation. The kid knew what was expected of him.
And now it is time for high school. Instead of one teacher I’ve got several new. Each with their own rules, requests and expectations. All at once something from the child. In the emotional characteristics of the adolescent may not be able to adapt, to change quickly to adapt to new conditions, and the requirements of adults are insufficiently clear. In the journal appear in threes and twos. Parents are scurrying around, pressed, pressed on the conscience, but structurally do not decide anything in essence did not penetrate.
More often the reason is the difficulty in training. They always creep out in the time when children move from primary to secondary school, when turning from concrete to abstract concepts. Specific examples of the child the material was learned, generalizations – not anymore.
A teenager in literally falls off. Parents can start to accuse him of laziness, that always plays on the computer and therefore not learning. But, most of all, he’s not lazy or malicious. He really does not understand “not cut” in the material. One is running the student and puts his hands, because the forces to fight alone no.
First comes to school, then systematically cuts class, finally, if there is a sharp conflict in the family, locked in the room with the words: “everything’s not going anywhere”.
Often found in children with attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity. These children may miss part of the instructions of teachers. Heard something, something- no, did something, left something. In the classroom, they “vain folk” speak with their feet, something always dropping, I look around at my classmates, whispering with neighbors. Teachers is literally freaking out, they start these children extruding. As a result, adolescents are falling apart at school, stigmatizing them as rascals and hooligans, parents systematically receive complaints about disrupted lessons. There is reverse cycle. Now pressed parents of a child in a state of confusion.
A child with ADHD you can talk: “what are you doing?! do something with yourself!” But ADHD is not bad parenting, it is particularly physiology which is necessary to be able to do. Words will not help, because it is chairbound ask to get up and run a marathon.
In my practice there was a case when after the sixth class the child deteriorated study. All in twos and all in protest. Eventually, he locked himself in the room. Were, since birth the child had a hearing problem that was aggravated, but no one suspected this.
Alas, our society is terribly uneducated. We all know the word “lazy”, but few people realize that “laziness” can be a real physiological cause.
What to do?
Often neglected too much simultaneously and cannot solve the problem. Parents need to accept that you have to look for alternative ways. A lot of them.
You can skip a year in school and to put a teenager on Tutors, who pass the whole program in high school. You can go to a simplified method of teaching in the evening school. You can send to work. Most importantly, stop trying to fit such a child in a conventional school learning process. Easy to take and simply will not return.
In my practice there was a case when a mother of a teenager who refuses to go to school, after waiting two or three months, broke down and said, “Well you sitting there behind the door? Let’s go to work.” The guy organized the work forces associated with the workflow. He was happy because he was right, quickly got the result, most importantly, all the requirements were clear. Work has become for Teens path to new possibilities. Alas, few parents, particularly ambitious, ready to make this step, to stop fighting in school.
Remember, in dealing with adolescents it is important to back up his area of success. Take care to find a place where your child will be comfortable, where he can feel successful. Stop fighting in school. The main task of parents is to recognize the problem, if it exists, and help the child to cope with it. Even more important – to raise a happy person, independent, well-adapted to life.
The third story: I started to hang around
A child falls into an evil state. In a rather rigid form sends far and for a long time mommy and daddy. Situation can walk to the fights, and physical abuse on both sides. Not just is accompanied by the systematic absences of the school, and actively seeking fellow sufferers. In fact, the child begins to wander.
No matter how worked law enforcement or social services, street teams always are. There’s always a party with substance use, to which you can join. This soapery jumping on trains, and other unpleasant teenage company who amuse each other in different ways – most importantly, on the street.
What is the reason?
A child who is all bad, which can not deal with itself, with problems at home and school, often falls into a situational depression. He’s looking for a place where won’t feel what is happening, the environment in which it is possible to forget about everything at least for a while. Sometimes in such companies to save the children with bipolar affective disorder, as well as in the border States, that is, those who are bad everywhere and with everyone.
How to help?
Cases are rare, and such children are noticeably smaller than the others. It is important to remember, depression is a condition which eats people from the inside and does not allow to calm down. Depression is impossible to remove any psychological methods and the organization of the super-healthy environment. No matter how hard the adults to put the child in a healthy environment will not work. Often have to resort to medical assistance.
Fourth story: slender to the point of absurdity
Anorexia – a life-threatening condition. The desire to look slim reductio ad absurdum is an unpleasant illness of adolescents, and a big pain in adults. It happens in girls. It is extremely difficult to treat.
What is the reason?
Usually, anorexia is a consequence of the most powerful makeovers. These children want to achieve good results, not only academically but in all spheres of life without exception. It’s not just girls-grades and super grades. In his view, they have to be perfect, the bad can feel that good and has achieved some success. They always think that they are good enough. To convince these adolescents in reverse is not possible.
In the stories with anorexia always has a strong hatred of myself, rooted in childhood. Such children are often caught in a situation when no one wanted to chat. In them no flaw, rather the environment was unsuitable and the child feel it is inappropriate.
Often the cause of such injuries are unexpected transfers, the abrupt change of the school where “getting the wrong people”, family matters – heavy divorce of parents, death of loved ones. Adults are not the child, they are confused and don’t know how and in what form to tell us about what is happening, and prefer to remain silent. A child in need of emotional support, concludes that divorce, death, distress that occurred in the family, he is guilty. He behaved badly, he did not eat porridge, he got an f…
The child gets the feeling of “I’m not good enough, I’m letting everyone down”. Anorexia becomes a way to get rid of your nasty body that belongs to a bad person.
What to do?
In the case of anorexia, and revealed it only in the later stages of necessary medical assistance and deep psychotherapeutic work. Anorexia is always a difficult situation. Parents should have time to grab the moment when the teenager has just started food refusal or zamorochinsky on the weight loss.
Story five: breaking away from religion
A child from a traditional family where the worship of certain religious traditions (Orthodox, Islamic), indulges in all serious.
Why is happening?
Religious traditions for the modern teenager are often narrow. Met surges and acute symptoms in children from Muslim and Orthodox families. This family is trying to follow in the culture of customs, but does it locally. For example, sending the child to a regular public school. His friends are all allowed, teenage Muslim – no. Not only that, to a teenager a lot of bans, he doesn’t have one of the fraternities, which would allow to understand why they chose this way of life. The child feels at school is inappropriate at home parents pushing bans that do not correspond to reality around.
However, whatever respect we may apply to schools, to adhere to certain cultural niches, it is worth considering how they fit the child, and the way the school is working with children.
Sometimes, in the Orthodox schools, the adults impose on the children the concept of sin, and this word is called the most innocent entertainment or misconduct. In force age peculiarities (often this applies to elementary school) children are not ready is a concept to perceive.
Repeatedly encountered situations which related to the confession. Adults inspire children: “If in confession, saying little, then don’t confess their sins. Go think on” or “talk a Lot! Here, look how sinful you”!
As a result, children are not only imbued with the essence of the sacrament, do not learn to be in contact with God. All their being is focused to give a necessary and sufficient number of transgressions the priest that was at the time.
But the constant stream of ideas “you’re bad” once yielding results and at first a small child and then the teenager says to himself: “OK. I can’t meet your high standards, I go.”
What to do?
Values, which translates the family, it is necessary to reinforce the social niche in which is immersed the family. The child, in addition to the mosque, an Orthodox Church must have a proper environment. Only then the value will germinate in the child, becomes his own.
It is important that the child feels is appropriate, otherwise it starts to look for a community where he pleased. But teenage mind becausee. So, the teenager will try to meet the requirements of the group, which he joined.
Sixth story: the sorrows of young Werther
Suicide is always a difficult subject. To some extent an accident. However, the Internet and mass media are playing not the last role in a situation with suicides. As soon as information on this method of problem solving became available, cases have become frequent. Every time appear in the media loud story with details, there is the effect of Werther, described by the American scientists in the 70-ies of XX century. He was named on the novel by Goethe “the sorrows of young Werther”, which describes the dramatic experiences of Werther, who have solved their problems by jumping from the bridge. When the book was translated and published in Russia, in St. Petersburg there was a boom of suicides.
Alas, we are dependent on information that is in the media. If earlier it was Newspapers and books, now easy access to the Internet.
In the network there are groups in which teenagers discuss why they want to settle scores with life. Complain to each other. Next to them are the people who tell us: “I had the same thing, but life is sacred, and I did so.” Most of the content of such websites filled with information about helping the desperate. Help peer more effective than attempts to catch adult harmful information. And when there are proposals to block all sites with the word “suicide”, I understand that it is not right to the end.
Why is happening?
Alas, the adults never know the real life of your teen. Externally, the child looks vigorous and healthy. But what happens underneath that wrapper, what is the real picture of teenage life?
Parents do everything – find a good school in which the child is successful, send to study abroad, to travel, create a beautiful party space… But looking good never means that emotionally the child all is well.
Often the teenager deeply lonely. At some point he becomes trapped in his own loneliness when he is sorely lacking emotional support. Most importantly, he does not know and afraid to ask for.
Suicide as an impulsive act – got into a fight, went and did – the case is rare and exceptional. Typically, suicide – thought-out thing. This means that while the teenager could not find a way out, didn’t know where to turn for help, how to resolve the issue.
Teens are very dependent people. They depend on the parents. If they think that the parents did can not be explained, they embark on a desperate things. Desperate things can be associated with the experience of unrequited love, when a man just can’t bear the pain here and now.
What to do?
Ideally, each teenager must be accompanied by an adult, not a parent. Many teenagers of deadlock extended is adults who suddenly believed.
You know the story about a very successful person with ADHD. In adolescence kept saying, “School can’t finish, you fool, you’re the janitor.” High school was a teacher who believe in him. The teacher seemed interested in talking with this guy, he’s not pushing him away. The teenager stuck, he had the desire to try for a beloved teacher.
When not close to a teacher, save the peers who some time “wiping snot”. And at this point the task of the adult to notice that the child very actively communicates with friends. Often this happens not because he is lazy, not because he wants to Dodge school, and because he is emotionally bad.
Alas, in schools today is not possible to “get stuck in the adult”, “warm up on a significant adult” because it is in the past is gone, the tradition to sit and drink tea with the teacher after class. No one remains to talk about what is important to you, just to make a joke. There are more places where you can come to sit and socialize with their peers.
In my childhood, this place was the district library with cute aunties-library. It came all the color correction classes. But not in order to learn, and because there was good, there the children saw the personalities, there are children of different ages interacted with each other. It was the vertical structure of the self. No psychological work is not additionally required. All of these children came into the world.
Alas, the majority of Teens are thrown. They have nowhere to come, nowhere to cling.
Parents have little control, and the children always have another life
Often parents are frightened that you do not understand a teenager, I don’t know how to respond to his antics, don’t know where the horror, the horror, have horror. But the line between normative adolescent experimentation and that is the threat still exists.
From the point of view of psychology as a science, adolescence is the age of experiment, which will be a test not only of psychoactive substances (tobacco, alcohol, drugs). The sample does not mean that “the child went on a slant and it should be sent to a rehabilitation center.” Then, the end of the sample depends on the company, in which he will get.
Of course, parents should pay attention to what is happening, keeping in mind that the minimum sample – normative. They meet the challenge of adolescence, as well as search their own image, experimenting with clothes, body. All this is not that other, as attempt to identify the young man a place that he occupies in the world. The experiment – the establishment of identity. The process can gently, and maybe tougher, depends on how relevant it feels to the child in a particular group, community, coterie. Any sign of what went wrong in the communication, a signal to parents that the contact is lined up incorrectly.
Alas, there are no statistics. No one considers how much and why teenagers are affected. But when it hurts, when no more strength to endure, the children find a way to come to counseling. Psychological centers are rarely “easy cases from the street.” Usually come by themselves (if the teen is intelligent enough), on the recommendations, on the advice of a counselor at the camp, classmate or older friend if he heard the name of the party.
Sometimes older teenagers, knowing that the younger “full treshak”, please help. And never parents are not aware of. Parents only think that they know everything about his child and can control him in everything. In fact, parents have very little control over children. In children, there is always another, greater life, beyond the attention of adults.
Yes, and Smoking is the main occupation of teenagers in garages – have no one. Not only that, near the school and on the yards to find the smokers so also “vkontaktnoy” profiles the polls say: the attitude towards Smoking is negative. Or even sharply negative. Alternatives? Listening to music — Yes, played in “bunker” – also Yes, talking on the network.
Bored? Hopeless? But no one confesses out loud. But, say, one of my classmates Denis: news feed more than half filled with sayings-pictures from the public “Friends in touch”. “Just write down what I miss, believe me, will appreciate”. “Loneliness – destiny strong.” And a lot of pictures with motorcycles, SUVs, “black boomers from the nineties”.
Learned the severity
Denis and Kate is dedicated to