Yesterday was angel, today has turned into a tyrant – but the problem is not the child, and parents

Why in adolescence, the child rejects everything that relies on people – Church, school, government, family, and begins to think that evil is everywhere? Only if adolescence does “blame” and who is the real problem, says the Metropolitan of Limassol Athanasius.

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The problem is not the child, and parents

The Metropolitan Of Limassol Athanasius

I remember one boy I was advised to spend more time at home. In response he told me:

– Where is the house, father? About what kind of house are you talking about? Do I even have a house?

Comes to the fact that before you start a conversation with a teenager about obedience to parents, inadvertently pose the question: with his parents if he lives? Don’t know what their relationship Begin to talk with your child about the house, family and then see his parents, and I understand that in his place you would not be able to live with them.

Very often parents come to me with complaints of children.

– Father, I have such a difficult child! He has such a problem…

– Well, bring him, we’ll talk.

Kid comes in ninety percent of cases it turns out that the problem is not the child, and the parents who brought him in.

Give a simple example.

In our Archdiocese there is a social service of “Intercession”, where assistance is provided to drug addicts. And that’s in addition to the groups, where they undergo therapy young people who have groups for their parents, with whom psychologists work. We did it because the parents are also in need of serious support because they will re-adopt their children.

So, in parent groups at all of our psychologists is a “burnout”. They just can not stand this work. A couple of months – and the specialist comes in and asks: “Please, you better give me fifty drug addicts only take away parents! I just can’t. We don’t understand each other.”

Unfortunately, we adults sometimes are so stubborn and steadfast in their own prejudices, instead of trying to help his children, actually destroy them.

Suicide and monasticism was approximately the same

I once professed in the monastery of St. Heracleides (Nicosia). It was late evening when I approached the nun and said,

– Father, there is one young girl. It has been two hours sitting in the corner crying and tells us nothing. Later, the monastery will be closed soon… How about it?

I asked him to bring the girl to me, and when it came, was careful to ask where she’s from, who her parents are, how she got here. The girl was from Nicosia, from a wealthy family. Her school was seven kilometers from the monastery. And here she was walking those seven miles, because I was afraid to go home, as poorly written test.

A girl said to me:

– I wanted to kill myself. But then decided to become a nun!

I was thinking about it. It seems that suicide and monasticism was approximately the same. Indeed, many today think so.

I asked the name of her parents and asked for their number.

“I understand,” I said to the girl, ‘ if you don’t tell who your parents are, we’ll have to call the police. You can’t stay in the monastery, you can not become a nun monasticism do not accept this reason, nor at that age. So give me the parents phone.

I called them. It was wealthy, very decent people who love their daughter, but completely wrong with her seeking. Think about it: the girl was afraid of them so did not dare to come home with a deuce for a test! Did not dare, because the good mother said to her: “Another deuce – and don’t come home!”

Parents came for her, we talked.

– We wish your daughter only the best! they said.

Of course, you want good, but is good – no not good, if not kind.

Is it not the communion, and the war

The biggest problem is not how to be teenagers, but what about us parents. How can we be, if the child has problems.

Because this applies to us priests. I go to schools, talk with children, and they often ask me very tough questions. Specifically.

– Why are you priests, go to the “Mercedes”? Why spend the Church’s money and do nothing? Why constantly argue?

In General, ask anything.

I specifically asked other priests not to go with me. Because they are poor, they begin to resent – as, indeed, parents: “how can you talk to your master?” Hurt them very similar questions.

– Fathers, I tell them. – You did not react. You need to give the person the opportunity to say what he thinks.

The pinnacle of the art of communication – to be able to listen to everything. And when people talk, and then he will listen to what you tell him. At least two words. Unfortunately, in our country is still not developed in this art. Just a tragedy.

We love slogans and for any reason, begin to wave the flag, indicating their national, social, political or civil position. We like these slogans, this propaganda, but it is rare to meet people who really understand and can explain what they say.

Moreover. We don’t understand (although in our tradition there is such) that the real art of communication – not to speak and to listen. Do not put the goal is to strangle the source of his oratorical skill, throwing arguments in the style “it is one word, and I’m ten.” Is it not the communion, and war. It is more important to listen than to talk.

Imagine: a man comes and says, “I committed murder”

When I began to serve and to practice on mount Athos, elder paisios told me:

– Confessing, you’re going to listen to a thousand words. And the answer will have only one thing to say. It is not necessary to say much. Confession – not that you have said and others have said. You – listen.

St. Nicodemus of the Holy mount in his book, addressed to the clergy, writes: “it is important, father, to give the person an opportunity to say what he wants and how he wants. And it is very important not to show neither surprise nor disgust, not to watch the clock – because it destroys your fellowship.” Imagine: a man comes and says, “I committed murder”, and you start to groan and gasp from fright and disgust…

Will do so and people won’t say anything more. This is the art of communication – and we parents must make it clear to our children that they are ready to listen to them at any time, without anger, surprise and panic, no matter what they said. And when they say (as much as you want and as you want), then we can quietly, peacefully to bring their arguments – but without the lecturing tone, immediately calling back.

And if the consistent answers to all the arguments and statements explaining why you do not want the child to do so-and in ninety five percent goal will be achieved. I say to you: the most reactive and aggressive students were the first to make contact. They come to me, we talk – this is great guys! They just test us, it is interesting to see how we will respond – will in response be offended, to get angry and behave aggressively towards them.

Yesterday I was an angel, and became a tyrant

Puberty, the time of the so-called puberty, is a very important age. During this period, parents can expect these unpleasant surprises, it is even worse than teenagers themselves – after all, when faced with inadequate behavior of the child, the parent often does not understand how to be and what to do.

However, you should not consider each age separately – childhood, adolescence, etc. the Person begins to form from the moment of conception – the existence of the genetic code is scientifically proven. There’s even a science of prenatal psychology, or psychology of the embryo, analyzing the characteristics of the child, which is still in the womb.

We can say that there is a child within its own parents before its birth. We all know what an important role plays heredity: one child carries the many traits inherited from parents and grandparents. And if you watch a child, knowing his family, it is easy to see how much he takes from his ancestors.

Therefore, you should not characterize a person by one period of puberty. And do not wonder that the boy, who recently, in the Junior classes, was a choir boy in high school turns into a tyrant with a difficult character. No transformation there is no. The child – the same as it was in the womb. He was born, grew up, reached puberty and will soon become young men. But this period is the most painful for parents, as Teens tend to want to get rid of their care and shaping their point of view.

Puberty – a time of searching, of doubt, of denial, of yearning for freedom. The child feels that he is constantly under pressure – parents, teachers, society. He begins to look for role models on the side and endeavor to join a variety of associations – from rock bands to sports clubs.

This age is difficult, but very beautiful and important because now the child has built a Foundation on which later was built the whole of life. During this period the young man is reviewing everything you previously took for granted – that is all he said parents, teachers, grandparents. And even if these things are true, true and not be questioned, the teenager exposes them anyway and purposely denies, ridicules, going to extremes, just to see our reaction, to test us, to test parents and everyone around.

The child begins to think that evil is everywhere

So, in the transition to adulthood the child is inclined to question all that was previously taken for granted – parents, teachers, Church, police state, i.e., any social institution.

And on the one hand, he is largely right. However, constant doubt is fraught with great danger: if you do not have time to form the right Foundation, you can easily walk to absolute negation, nihilism, and then nothing can touch the heart, after all, is denied.

Denied the Church, the school, the state, the family – that is all that tend to rely on the man. And when the need arises to help a teenager, as a “hook” it – it would be impossible due to the lack of “clues”. Here lies one of the main reasons why young people are at risk of violence, crime, drugs.

But the root of the problem – not so much in youth as in adults, that is, both biological and spiritual parents. Unfortunately, we are forced to admit its impotence and inability to properly communicate with our children.

We make tragic mistakes for which they paid – but first and foremost for them paying our children. Of course, every parent loves his child wishes him well and when he sees that the child is suffering, he begins to suffer. But even if he does not see or understand this, it is still very much responsible for the condition of the child.

If you look at the children and teenagers who take drugs, rebellion against parents and the system, it becomes clear that these young people are not bad or hard, but on the contrary, have great sensitivity, which does not allow them to tolerate confusion and especially the hypocrisy of adults.

Yes, they are often wrong. Often it is not so, as they think, but they see it, feel it and a picture of them creates the environment. Unfortunately, here, in addition to our responsibility, a greater role played by the media. The harm caused by them in this regard are enormous. Why? Because they consistently demonstrate and show evil so that the child begins to think that this evil is everywhere.

Stream evil destroys the foundations that should reinforce

Take, for example, us priests. Young people are now very is bad for the Church. Why? Because, it should happen any misunderstanding, then TV, radio, Newspapers, Internet are starting to discuss it a hundred times. And not a single good word about the Church. Agree? Not a word about the problems facing the youth of today, no word on how the Church helps them to overcome these problems, a word about the thousands of other good deeds…

Whatever villains nor were the priests, because we have a good thing! How can a priest be a man so bad – it had no good features? A television show some shortcomings. And here then the child looks at the priest and thinking, “Oh, this is it! A hypocrite, a liar and a cheat…” that’s All, nothing else to talk about.

Or any teacher will do somewhere wrong act, and it begins: on television, on the Internet to discuss, discuss, speak out… After that the teenager has teachers there can be no trust. The same is true of all social institutions, politics.

Before every election settled the debate, and that politicians are beginning to insult, humiliate each other, and the young man looks at it and thinks: “How can they believe? They swear, call each other thieves, liars, traitors – we do not need such leaders!”

Or there is a news about a father who raped his child – is that not injure children’s hearing? From television children learn such, which in itself would never have in the head…

All this endless stream of evil leads to the fact that a teenager’s crumbling foundations, which, on the contrary, should be strengthened. And when one day he is going to need help and it’ll need some kind of positive example, he just doesn’t understand: “And you what?”

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