“You have it lying on the lawn, it is indecent” – why my mother’s words, we bombed three days

Why the main claims of the past we met the mother, what the offense is different from the toxic parenting and the need to protect children from the “wrong rules” other relatives – says psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Photo by Evgeny Razdobarin “the Spectrum”

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Not everyone who has wronged her child – toxic parent

– Recently, the popular term “toxic parenting”. Usually, it means the traumatic relationships between parents and children, including between grown children and aged parents. Where lies the border between normal and toxic relationships?

– Any close relationship can be toxic. These are not only relations between parents and children, but also relations within the group, at work with colleagues.

Relationship is always a balance. We get them intimacy, trust, sense of security, are able to be yourself, emotional support. Themselves invested in them. We can care about the other person, to be open or to demonstrate the vulnerability, we always share resources, consider the needs of each other. This is the meaning of any relationship.

But the more we consider the needs of each other, the more we lose freedom and independence, because associated with other people, their expectations, plans and feelings. We can no longer live without regard to loved ones. Everything has its price.

In any relationship someone offends someone and gets hurt, does not meet expectations or may not empathic to respond. Therefore, “good”: supply, cost-effective, functional relationships are those in which there are more pluses than minuses, supporting, developing, giving the rest more than the painful and limiting.

This balance, of course, do not count on a calculator, but we all feel it.

Not all parents who did something not quite right with children and somehow they hurt, are toxic. In a toxic relationship prevails bad, evil inflicted many times more than the sacrificed good, and even if there is care, love and support, it is so burdened with a large amount of humiliation and fear that people cannot evaluate the relationship as a resource. He perceives them as painful and depriving forces.

Toxic parents are those who, because of personal characteristics or serious traumatic experience uses his children can not take care of them, not sensitive to their needs, not loves them. It is not that these parents feel emotionally, there are different options, and how they behave. Often the reason for their toxicity is the combination of own troubled childhood to personality characteristics (reduced empathy, underdeveloped moral sense, psychopathy). Such families are, of course, but statistically it is still a private interest.

I think the phrase “toxic relationship” today is used very broadly. Many of those who use the term really was in such a relationship, or worked with clients who have suffered from parents. But many of those who called toxic parents, admits that he received from the parents ‘ warmth, attention, care. They use the term because they themselves still say resentment parents. The offense is absolutely real, but to let it overshadow all the good is unfair, not so much against parents, but to himself.

When a person begins to truly believe that it is not from nothing but violence and anger, is a blow to their own identity, because it turns out – this stuff made me. Who can it be useful? To understand their grievances – Yes, but hang on his childhood labels – why?

When you see a closed group in a social network, almost 30 thousand people, it seems that toxic parents is not such a rare case.

– Incorrect each parent who said her child offensive things or even beat, doing something else, so far the child has pain and hurt to remember to consider toxic. This does not mean that all relationships were prisurskii. We can say that toxic parents, who are destroying the child, gave the promise: “Not live without”. Who used a child, not caring about it, telling: “I don’t care, you’re my thing, will do to you what you want”. But not every parent who spanks a child, stomps his feet, yells and says hurtful things, it gives this message. Conversely, it may be that no one beats you and yells, “my whole life dedicated,” but this concern is toxic, because in fact the child used.

For children of different rules – no problem

“We are without diapers and raise children”, “This hairstyle to your nose is not suitable, Why allow Kate the dresses for a walk to choose.” Cues from mom, devaluing our principles of upbringing and habits, commonly cause a sharp negative reaction. It is a sign of infantilism?

– Growing up, we make an important discovery: parents are individuals with their own perceptions, values. They are precious to us as parents. We love them, we care about their well-being, status, but if they think differently than we do, we open not collapse, do not believe that we rebuke. In the end, who knows people who think differently than we do.

If we are still sensitive to the replica mother of our nose, hair, work, marriage, the more likely this speaks to the fact that we have long been adults, did not happen psychological separation.

It is not just about frustration or irritation – all of us frustrating when loved ones are angry with us, but “falls” into negative emotions like us over 5 years and we are accountable.

“You have it lying on the lawn! It is indecent,” says your mother. She thinks she’s so accustomed to. Some days some customs, in other – other. You and your mom in any case are from different generations. Agree, the problem is not that the mother doesn’t think like you. The problem is, why it is the replica for you – a powerful trigger. Why she said, “How can you afford to choose the dress”, and you have three days the mood is spoiled? This reaction is a sign of lack of psychological separation.

It is clear that it is not always so simple. The older generation can do things that create us serious problems. For example, mother-in-law (mother-in-law) are dissatisfied with the marriage of his son or daughter and allows herself to tell the child bad things about his father or mother. Now that’s a bad thing. For the sake of their personal goals and interests of the child harmed.

– What is the harm?

It is important to distinguish. From what grandma just grumbled at her mother, with the child happens nothing. It would be good that the older generation understood that it is not necessary to do so that every child will be safer when all the adults in the family “blowing the same tune”. Not in the sense that everybody always is told, and prohibit the same, and that all adults do not doubt each other as caring, loving child people.

The child is calm enough to perceive that adults are different different different allowed and not allowed. What can my mother, my grandmother is impossible. Dad can eat ice cream before dinner, and mom – not. Children – being adaptive. For them, different rules – generally not a problem. Over time, after a short period of disorientation, they remember how one works, and just move from one mode of “I’m with dad” to “mom” or “I was with my grandmother, nanny.” And all it will be good, though in different ways.

For a child is bad and scary, if relevant adults begin to doubt each other as caring loved ones, give moral evaluation of the relationship of the adult to the child. “Yes you are your father does not need” “Yes your mother does not care about you, Grandmother, to feed you this food, not thinking about healthy eating is ruining your health”. Talking bad about mom, dad, other loved ones, who “not caring and want to harm” the people in favor of their desire to “be right”, “to have power” is detrimental to the child. It can be done and grandmothers, and moms and dads – anyone. This creates the child’s soul loyalties – a condition which can deeply injure. Children’s psyche can’t handle it. On the consequences of the conflict of loyalties is akin to acute forms of violence, although no one physically never touched, just the background was “dad – a moral monster”, “your mom (grandma) you can’t trust children.”

The child needs to trust their adults. This is his basic need, essential for normal development. Is that his favorite adults want to harm him, the child is not able to realize. Occurs painful internal conflict. The child begins to avoid all relationships.

Often to me on lectures and meetings see couples who are trying to use psychologist in their wars. “And tell him he’s wrong, says and does.” says the wife. “No, tell her she doesn’t behave with the son,” – he retorts. Trying to explain to people that no matter who comes and how that does and says what the rules sets. Children are adaptive. They learn how to behave with anyone. Importantly, the background sounds of the doubt in each other, to avoid the constant statements of “You’re not a caring adult”. This is what child desorientiert absolutely.

It is important to believe that everyone who loves our child and dear to him, gives him something very valuable, irreplaceable, and even if it does something wrong, how would we, the child it is necessary and important. Of course, it happens that the person is unhealthy, inadequate, but in these cases it’s just not necessary to leave the children.

Capt from the film “Bury me behind a plinth”

If the child has decided that he is the parent of your parents

The generation of the current thirty-forty is generally a lot of problems in relationships with parents. You wrote in your articles, books, talked in lectures about the trauma of generations. Do you have an understanding of what the feature generation forty years, what is the reason for the complexity of their relationship with their parents?

– A feature of this generation is that it is a widespread phenomenon of parentification, “adoption parents”. After reaching a certain age, children were forced to change with the parents of their emotional roles, maintaining social. In other words, they carried unusual for their age the burden of responsibility for the emotional state of their parents, who could not find other sources of support.

The current seventy year old people often by not enough parental attention, acceptance, because their own parents were wounded by war or repression, were maimed, lost spouses, been extremely tired, it was a bit over worked and led a hard life, suffered, died.

During the long period of their adult life were in a state of complete mobilization and operation on the brink of survival. Our mothers and grandmothers grew up, but their children’s need for love, peace, acceptance, warmth, care and were not satisfied. Their problems were never engaged, and do not particularly know about them.

Adults being physically, emotionally and psychologically they remain under-loved children. When they had children of their own, their loved, raised, cared for (buying clothes, food), but on a deep emotional level, passionately waiting for the love, care, comfort from children.

Because the child in the relationship with the parent nowhere to go, it’s a very close relationship, it inevitably responds to the feelings of an adult to show him the need. Especially if you understand that mom is unhappy without this. Enough to hug her, to tell her something nice and sweet, to please your successes, free from homework, as she begins to feel clearly better.

The child sits on it. It forms in itself gipersalivacia small adult small parent. The child is emotionally and psychologically adopts their own parents, while maintaining their social role. He is still forced to obey adults. Thus in difficult times, he nurses them emotionally, and they did not. He’s taking it in stride, giving the older generation an opportunity to hysteria, to panic or to get angry.

As a result, the child grows the parent of their own parents. And this parent’s position is stored and is transported for life, for the respect of their children as to the children and to their parents, like children.

– Growing up, we are revising their attitude to many things and people. Isn’t it?

– You can stop being a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, neighbor, student, employee, grow up and stop being a baby, but you can’t stop being a parent. If you have a child, you parent forever, even if the child is gone, even if it did not. Parenthood is a permanent relationship.

If a child is internally, emotionally, and seriously decides that he parent his parents, he can’t get out of these relationships, even as a grown man, even with his family and children. Normal functioning in their new family, these adults continue to babysit the parents always choose their interests, to focus on their condition, waiting for their emotional evaluation. They can not just emotions, but in the literal sense of the words: “Son, you did me good, my Daughter, you saved me.”

Obviously, this is hard and this just should not be. Normal kids don’t have so much to think about parents. Of course, we must help their parents to help them provide medical treatment, buy food, pay slips. Great if we want and can chat to mutual satisfaction.

But children should not devote themselves to the service of the emotional state of the parents. They should raise their children and deal with their condition.

For people with parenthetically it is very difficult to accept. Because they are psychologically in this pair – not children.

Why do we often make claims mothers

Looking back at the past, the claims we often demanded of mothers. Why they become the object of accusations?

– As we have said, compassionate support is what we are most valuable in the relationship. Imagine you shared something that touched you or impressed with a work colleague. The something answered, but you obviously he doesn’t care about your feelings, discoveries and experiences. Unpleasant, but not awful, in the end, he has his own life.

Another thing, if you told me something important about yourself husband or wife, and that, for example, continues to sit. Or meets a silly joke, or starts to lecture instead of sympathy. Agree that the latter situation will be experienced much more painful than the first. Psychologists call this “empathic failure”.

The child needed comfort, and it bellowed and charged. The child needed attention, and the parent was tired and stressed, not like he cares. Baby, I shared, and laughed at him. This is an empathic failure. It is particularly painful experience from loved ones first and foremost from my mother.

Way of life in the Soviet families assumed that mainly the woman has had children, besides the fact that you cared about life and work. The Pope many children generally perceived as quite distant. Accordingly, in children, a close relationship developed with their mothers. That is why the main complaint for the grievance we make primarily mothers.

I know people whose fathers had a close relationship, and the more claims they make for fathers even if the mother is doing not very good things. But the offense is not on it – it is “this” and dad – why didn’t you protect not help? We have always demonstrated more of the claims of those from whom more was waiting. Those who are more important to us.

Photo: unsplash

– What role do parent-child relationships between forty years and their parents is the fact that the majority of this generation was raised either by grandparents or a garden, school, in pioneer camps?

– Major role is played by the sense of abandonment and abandonment that many experienced back then. No, it’s not that parents didn’t love their children. They might even really love, but life in the Soviet Union often did not offer choice, “gave Birth to? Ahead for work and child up and hand over to the nursery”. But if the teenager can somehow understand that mommy has to work and nothing else, then a small child will think: “Just put in a garden, camp, grandma’s, so I don’t need it.”

In addition, there is a second factor. Returning from work, parents were often exhausted, including life, standing in queues, transport, heavy climate, and the overall discomfort of the disorder of life that those one and a half hours of free time that was left for the children was to comment: “Lessons did you wash your hands?”

If in this state, any parent to give a break, to catch my breath, and then ask: “do your child your love?”, in response we heard: “Yes! Of course!” But the manifestation of this love is often reduced to “half wash – made lessons – how much can you say.” Children is heard as “I’m not, I don’t like parents”.

“Son lives with us and don’t leave”

Today, parenting has changed? It is the other?

– Of course. Children today are much more the center of attention adults than it was in 70-80 years of the twentieth century. There was no such child-centrism. Today’s parents are much greater reflection on the topic of education. They care about not only whether he had had dressed the child, but as he develops, what he’s doing, how to build communication with him, what are his experiences.

It is also a consequence of parentification?

– Partly Yes. They carry the usual parental role and because hypersubtlety, too included in the child’s life, think too much about the children. To describe this condition, I often use the term “parent neurosis.” A fairly common phenomenon, which has its consequences.

What, for example?

– If earlier the complaint was that “parents he won’t leave me alone,” “what are they all up in my life”, “they even have the keys to our apartment made them”, “they just have to deal with”, now the new trend. A lot of complaints about grown children: “Why son lives with us and not moving out?”

People in relationships, like puzzles, adjusted life to each other. If one has some function hyperacuity, then the other, with whom he lives, with high probability, these functions will fall out. The smaller the family, the stronger it manifests itself.

If the family consists of 10 people, all of each other negate. If the mother lives with the child alone and she hyperfunctional, all that she is doing well, the child is not doing at all. Not because it’s bad, but because not given cases to show themselves. In the end, mom already took care of it.

But one day a mother (and she, too, evolves, changes, elaborates the problems with the therapist) wants the child where-that moved out of her house, and he doesn’t need it, and hard.

He doesn’t understand that mom had changed that she had no previous needs, for example, to a son or a daughter were all the time with her, make her feel needed. She wants freedom, a new relationship, wants to keep the son, and to spend money on myself, Yes, maybe even walk around the house without clothes in the end is right. But the son says to her, “not going Anywhere, I’m good here. Going to live here always!”

Cohabitation is not only a psychological problem

In Italy, in order, if the son lives with his parents up to thirty years. No one from the house does not drive. Why do we have this problem?

– Yes, Italians also hypersubtlety and philoprogenitive. But do not forget about the economic component of any relationship. In the same rural Greece and Italy, if the son leaves the family, the parents are obliged to allocate him a share in the farm, the store, in the family business. It is always difficult and fraught with conflict, not to mention the fact that there is always a risk of losing this share. It is much better to leave the child in the family, in the family business together with his share to the whole structure remained stable. Parents easier to communicate to children the whole thing at once when they come out on a holiday. There are unspoken rules and the exchange of freedom for comfort.

The child is in some sense “belongs” to the parents. He can’t just say: “I do Not want to engage in your hotel and want to go to College to be a programmer”. Of course, if he will have a strong desire and pronounced ability, then parents will allow and even help. Don’t live in the middle ages. But if no such desire is not, then it is expected that the child will still continue the work of parents. To this prospect was to him an incentive, he receives many blessings, love, living as Christ’s bosom, paying at the same time their separation and individuation.

Photo: Anna Radchenko

Want to say that in our hyperopic other historical cultural grounds?

In our hyperopic loud sounds and even the notorious housing issue. As was the housing shortage, was not able to freely dispose of, nor market rent. In such a situation to separate from parents is tedious and expensive. And because we had privatization with the obligatory share of children. It was reasonable that children are not left without a roof over their head. But when they rise, it has consequences.

Parents your whole life in this apartment lived all by himself and did not want to move anywhere, and redeem the child share just can’t. Maybe it is better to continue to support him and take care of it to remain as it is? In other words, cohabitation and delayed separation is not only a psychological problem.

The fact that in Russia today, the man whose wife works, are often forced to live in a Studio Granny flat with two children and with grandma is not a question of family psychology.

But we hate to ask ourselves the questions: “Why we do things? Why our salary is not even allowed to rent a house, not what to buy? Why people life propavshie should in his old age to impair its own conditions?”

Because these questions ask unpleasant, and it is unclear to whom, and most importantly, they require action on our part, it is much easier to talk about heartless idlers parents or children. It’s called psychologicial reality, and doing it can be nice to pass more than one night.

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