“You’re lucky – you still may be children”: 5 phrases you can’t say grieving parents

My life changed when my husband and I learned that waiting for the triplets. Soon followed by the first comments. When we reported this news, we usually answered: “Triplets? What do you think? Three kids at once? Glad it’s not me!” I thought it couldn’t get worse. But I still do not know what will face when two of my children will die.

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23 Jun 2013 I gave birth to triplets on 4 months early, within two months died two of my children. Before that I knew little about the loss of a child, this was uncharted territory. Like most other people, I didn’t know how to respond and what to say if a friend’s child died. But 5 years later, I realized that sometimes it is better to remain silent. I know what people want, and understand what they mean, but these sentences sting of grieving parents. Below are 5 things never to say to your loved ones who lost a child.

“Everything happens for a reason”

Words that distorts the parents who have lost children. Sometimes there is no reasons why some things happen in life. Parent should not outlive their child. I don’t know why my body was unable to carry the pregnancy or why I went into labor at 22 weeks.

This phrase often is paired with another: “God only gives us what we can handle.” I remember talking to my Rabbi on the eve of my son’s death and asked her: “Why me?” Her answer is what I live with every day. She replied, “God only gives us what we can handle. It helps us to cope with what he gave us.”

They are in a better place

I’m sorry, what? This phrase is not reassuring, after it I felt at the dump. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Children should be in the loving arms of their parents. Think of all the grieving mothers and fathers would agree with me that we are ready to give everything again to keep our kids.

At least one survived, you were lucky

So, one of the survivors compensate for the loss of two? I like to think that I am a positive person, but even 5 years later my heart still aches for Parker and Abby. And in the hardest, darkest days of grief it was hard for me to believe that “lucky me”. Yes, I have a wonderful child, she is the light of my life. But Peyton needs to play with his brother and sister in our house and not just waving their pictures and send kisses to heaven.

You are young, you can have more children

No matter whether our ticking biological clock. Many couples have no idea what anyone else goes through families to have children. Some can’t have children of their own, others are faced with years of infertility or miscarriages. And for people like me, new attempts to have children can be so complex that it’s frightening to think about. I came close to death after the birth of my children, this is enough to traumatize me for life.

I don’t know how you do it. I can’t imagine losing two children

Sometimes I don’t know how I’m doing. But we learn to live with it. We learn of “new normality” in difficult moments and rejoice that you made it through the day. This review is a heavy reminder of our grief and of children, who are now in heaven.

What can we say to the bereaved parent? There are no words that could ease the pain, but you can show that you are close. This is more than enough.

For me the best thing a person can do next is to talk about my angels. Call Parker and Abby by name and ask about them. Although they’ve been with us in so little time, they left a huge imprint in this world. I like to talk about my angels and to hear someone else calls them by name. This is enough to wipe off the mountain and warm up for a few days.


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